Posted on 02/28/2019 10:02:25 AM PST by sodpoodle
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead,” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes real skill.”
Found this reference - sorry for oversight:
02/23/2019 from DailyJokes
lol - cute.
As told to me by a nice Jewish neighbour years ago:
A Jewish grandmother was walking along the beach with her little grandson. A huge wave came in and took the little boy out to sea. She could not see him, let alone help him. She prayed and prayed for God to please save her grandson. Lo and behold, the next big wave brought the little boy back, unharmed.
Oh, thank you God, she said. But, ummm, he WAS wearing a hat.
The punch line I heard was “Fly is still alive. But can no longer reproduce.”
That’s hilarious
LOL - good one!!!
Years ago it was said Israel wouldn’t go to war - but if they did - it would last a long time - and they would lose. That was said a week before the 6 Day War started.
Can any of you Freepers name the TV show I stole this joke from?
The Ed Sullivan Show, possibly.
The Joan Rivers show?
Welcome Back Kotter.
Try this one then:
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue
They took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.
A Rabbi, a Priest and an Imam walk into a bar, and the bartender says “get the hell out of here!”.
Joe Smith, a very prosperous and generous businessman in town dies. There’s a huge funeral, attended by the local priest, minister and rabbi.
At one point during the graveside service, the 3 of them approach the casket together. The priest says, “you know, it might not matter much to Joe now, but I did owe him $100”...whereupon he takes out his wallet and places 5 $20 bills into the casket.
The minister says, “I must admit that I also owed Joe $100”...whereupon he takes out his wallet and places 5 $20 bills into the casket.
The rabbi says, “OK, boys, while we’re on the topic, I also owed Joe $100”...whereupon he writes a check for $300 and takes the $200 of cash out of the casket.
Morty was walking along the beach one day, when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. “Oy! Let me shine it up.”
Lo and behold, a genie popped out. “Thank you for releasing me after centuries of imprisonment! I will repay your kindness with one wish, any wish!”
Morty thought for a moment, then took a crumpled piece of paper out of his wallet. He unfolded what appeared to be an old map. “Look here, Genie, this is a map of the Holy Land. Do you see little Israel here, surrounded by all her enemies in the world? That is my wish, for you to bring peace at least to Eretz Yisrael.”
The genie frowned and took a look. “You know, sir, that is a very, very difficult wish.” He sighed. “I’m not sure I could make that one happen. Is there anything else your heart might desire?”
“Well, you know, Genie, I’ve been married to my wife for 20 years, and I’d always wished she would give me a bj. Yes, that will be my wish, ok Genie?”
Without hesitation, the Genie asked, “Let me see that map again.”
As a Jew I love Jewish jokes but not yours. Found it offensive.
Another good one, better understood if you know the Jewish Foundation and how seriously they fundraise (though their charity and generosity is world class).
An older Jewish couple went on a cruise. Suddenly a monster storm overtook the ship and destroyed it. Passengers were thrown into lifeboats or clung to boards. Our couple drifted for a day or two, then landed on an uninhabited island. They found fresh water and mangoes and were grateful to be alive, but the woman was desolate at never seeing the family again. “How will we ever get off this island!?” she wailed.
The husband just smiled at her. “Before we left, I pledged $100,000 to the Jewish Federation. They’ll find us.”
I lived there, and spent the happiest years of my life there. I knew Jerusalem, Bethlehem, Haifa, and the Galil like the back of my hand. Want a good falafel shop on Jaffo street or Ben Yehuda? I’ll tell you where. Then the Intifada started, and everything changed. Have you ever had Israeli soldiers banging on your door late at night in Bethlehem, being utterly helpless with your wife and children cowering beside you? With no one to help as the Muslim radicals had butchered any police who dared stay by their posts? But let me tell you that those Israeli soldiers who entered our home in search of terrorists treated us with utmost respect, and politely excused themselves when it became obvious that we were not in any way involved with the terrorists. This is why I have the utmost respect for the Israeli army (IDF).
Groucho Marx?
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