Posted on 02/15/2019 11:05:02 AM PST by sodpoodle
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“I’m so old I’m having trouble recalling the details of my very first date. About the only thing I can remember is that I took her for a picnic on Everest Hill.”
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Jenny Joseph
There is always money for butter... and cheese... and olives and tea.
Everything else is optional.
Today I was in a store named “Sunglasses Only”. A young lady walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”...
I was in the fifth grade at a Catholic grammer school with a Nun as a teacher. Sort of the same situation on a form sent home for a day trip planned for our class. Who to notify in an emergency...I said “ a doctor”...I think that was the fifth time the back of my head met Sister Marie’s right palm that year.
Wow. May I steal?
When you are young you can go skinny dipping.
When you are old - everything changes. No more skinny dipping. It’s now known as Chunky Dunking.
[ Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?” ]
LOL
The only person who wants to live to be a hundred is a person who’s ninety-nine.
Another one: People ask me “what brought you here?” I answer “my car” or “my plane”
As one of the people who have to deal with seniors all of the time, please stop doing that. Its not funny.
When I am asked a question, entering an establishment, I usually respond with a take on their specialty. Restaurant: “How may we help you?” Me: “Do you have any food?” Store (e.g. sunglass shop): “What can we do for you?” Me: “Do you have any sunglasses?” It usually causes them to pause for a moment.
True story.
My father in law passed away. 15 years ago. He had pre-paid and pre-arranged his funeral.
But the funeral director still tried to upsell us. He tried to convince us to buy a better (more expensive) casket. We said no. Said no several times.
He then said; “But this one comes with a lifetime guarantee”.
My poor wife. She knew what was coming. I said...
REALLY? A lifetime guarantee? WHOSE Lifetime?? As you see, Mr. Jones (not his real name) is dead. I’m pretty sure HE will not be making any claims any more. And me? Well, pardner, I can tell you that at no time in 10-20 years from now will I dig up the casket to ascertain if the product is still functioning as guaranteed.”
The poor guy. He was speechless. I was gonna go on, but my wife held me back.
You should see the nuns’ reactions when you fill in the field marked “Sex” with “Yes, please.”
When I was 18 I was working in an antique store when an elderly lady entered and asked me, “Do you sell antiques”?
My answer was, “Why yes, Ma’am. It’s an antique store, Ma’am.”
“Occasionally”......at 10 was a reach..LoL
In the steak restaurant:
“How would you like that cooked?”
Me:
“A lot better than raw”
or
“I’d LOVE it cooked!”
Save money with a direct burial!
LOL!
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