Posted on 02/09/2019 5:15:32 PM PST by blueunicorn6
We decided (by “We” I mean my wife) that we should celebrate our Son’s big achievement. He got out of bed before noon. No. He graduated. I know. We were all kind of surprised.
We needed an appropriate reward, but Miss Oregon was already taken, so we thought a trip would be nice. Yeah. A good trip. A trip to the big luau. That’s right.
Seattle.
Turns out the whole city was booked up. They were having a coffee stirrers convention or something.
You know, I applied for one of those, what do they call them, bannisters, job. You know....stirring coffee. The wife wanted me to do something since I’m retired. I was happy serving as a policy advisor to the President, but she wanted me to do something that paid.
Well, you don’t just apply for a bannisters job and they give it to you. You have to try out. Like it’s a bowling team or something. They lined the four of us up at a table and the head coffee stirrer puts a cup of coffee and some cream in front of the First Lady and tells her to make some coffee art or something. She pours in some cream and swishes this straw around and violin! She made a mountain range.
Now, I’m no Vincent Da Vichy, so I was getting a little worried.
He puts the stuff in front of the next lady, and she makes a cat’s face.
I’m really sweating now.
The third lady is swishing that straw around for like five minutes and what does she come up with? The Hadron Particle Collider.
I know I’m going to have to be at the top of my game.
The head stirrer puts a cup of coffe and some cream in front of me and says,
“You look like you’re a little older. Delight me.”
I said,
“Delight you? Right here in front of these fine ladies? Usually, a guy will buy me a drink before he wants me to delight him.”
I guess head coffee stirrers don’t have much of a sense of humor.
So, I put the old grey manor into overdrive.
I took the straw and swished it around in the coffee for two or three minutes and then pushed the cup towards him.
“What is that supposed to be?” he asked me.
“I call that Night Coffee”, I said.
It was obvious he wasn’t impressed.
I poured in some cream.
“And what is this?” He inquired.
“I think that looks like your bath water.”
I didn’t get the job.
I was probably too good of an artist.
But I digress.
The travel agent recommended we go to Hawaii, instead.
Yep! The old Sammich Islands. Named after the Earl of Bread or something.
Usually, I’m a little hesitant about visiting a foreign nation, but I thought “Hey! Why not? The worst they could do is throw me in a big old cooking pot and eat me.”
And that’s just the TSA. Who knew what the natives might do?
We wanted the whole Hawaii experience, so I booked some seats on that special Hawaiian airline, The Haole Express.
I got some of those Extra Comfort Seats for us. That meant they had a bottom. They were still only like a foot wide. My behind is just a teeny bit wider than that these days. Oh, when I was a teenager I had a behind that would make the girls swoon. But I stopped eating beans for breakfast and that pretty much kept the girls from falling over.
This native fellow comes down the aisle and asks,
“Would you like a Mai Tai?”
I’m in the spirit so I figure I’ll reply in his native tongue.
“No, a thank you. I a don’t a wear a tie.”
He shakes his head and walks by.
I’d heard they had free booze on this flight when you get close to Hongalulu or whatever their quaint capital is, so I call him back.
“What about the free drink?” I ask.
“You told me you didn’t want a Mai Tai.”
“”What are you, a haberdasher? Doing a little moonlighting to make some extra money? Well here’s a quarter and bring me a real drink. Something fruity and colorful....like a Coors Light.”
To be continued.....
I know some of you don’t like the personal postings. You feel like it’s wasting your time. Well, not all of us can be scientists or brain surgeons or coffee stirring bannisters, so get over it, or something.
It makes me giggle, too.
That or the fruity, colorful Coors Lights I’ve been drinking are making me giggle.
And I’m not even in an airplane!
The Dude Abides...
A+humble, as we call him at times... ;-)
I saw your movie!
I’ve had to be tied to a horse, too.
High praise, indeed!
I like yours, too.
Nobody solves mysteries like you!
A hard boiled detective who secretly has a heart of gold.
I like a good gumsock or soft shoe tale.
violin!
Another delightful essay by our resident M.C. Escher of wordsmithing
I still think you should let your son try for Miss Oregon. He will be a hit and guaranteed at least second place, and most likely would win outright, unless he has competition from another transgender in the competition.
Man, he was in a fight with the sailor guy the other day and the insults were flying like monkeys in the Wizard of Australia.
I wrote a bunch of them down.
I didn’t understand some of them.
The Navy Guy was really using some nautical language.....really nautical.
Humblegunner hung right in there.
It was like Ali versus Frasier with Eddy as the referee.
Oh.
I see now.
I was thinking about the girl, Miss Oregon, but you were thinking that I wanted him to enter a beauty pageant.
I get it.
No.....no......
He’s a handsome lad. Takes after his father.
As a matter of fact, he could probably be in that male dancing group The Chippedbeefontoasts.
Great post! Thanks for the smiles! :-)
You stumped the chump with that reference.
I had to look it up.
Seems he was famous for “tassleation”.
I guess he invented those little ball things held by string to curtains.
I’m no curtain artist, but thanks.
MORE! MORE! MORE! Please!
(You make my donation to FR worthwhile.)
Thanks, bagster.
That gesture comes from Hawaii.
It means “Get Me Another Beer, Can’t You See My Hand Is Empty!”
I picked up a lot of their culture.
LOL
Good job.
Next Rodney Dangerfield.
This was so stupid. I was searching for that article on winter wheat. Had to read your entire screed to figure out that the keyword “agriculture” probably referred to your bean joke.
OMG - LOL out loud!
(Just teasing - I liked it.)
Well, nobody could write like you, Mark.
I was a bit surprised to see how you came up with that name, “Mark Twain”.
I read that on the old paddlewheels, there was a guy who had to measure how deep the water was.
He’d throw a line with a weight on it over the side and then look at how far up the water went on the line. Then he would call out,
“Whose great idea was this to try and look to see how wet a rope is?”
And, somehow, you got your name from that.
Another history mystery.
I have written several articles about Winter Wheat.
My best was, at least I think so,
“Winter Wheat: A Tricky Name Or Do You Have To Put Skis On The Tractor?”
I almost won an academy award or something with it.
Thank you!
I see that you are a Packer fan.
I always remember what Coach Lombardi used to say,
“Winning isn’t every.....somebody wake Hornung up! That guy could sleep through a war.”
I saw my first Packer at age 13, Milwaukee County Stadium.
Coach Lombardy also said: “Second place is the first loser.”
Thanks Judy.
Do you live by Denver?
I went there one time.
Motown City!
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