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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick

Little known fact about hoop ear rings.

A long forgotten entrepreneur started market them as items from which to hang your keys, lest onr forget them. The constant jangling was hoped to serve as an aural reminder as to where the darn things were. Alas, the western world was not yet ready for the elongated Ubangi earlobe look.

But today....?


9,341 posted on 06/10/2016 1:34:04 PM PDT by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07; NicknamedBob
something involving April’s teenaged daughter

Hope it's not as serious as when the assorted constabularies (County Sheriffs and NY Staties) surrounded the across-the-road-and-to-the-east neighbor's house because he threatened to shoot his wife.. ;-)

9,342 posted on 06/10/2016 1:36:16 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

There’s no sign of weapons, just a lot of people hanging around talking with a couple of Deputy Sheriffs. I heard (because they were on my side of the street) one of the deputies telling some people that “She’s intimidated by her stepfather,” which seems entirely reasonable since my girls have always said, “He’s mean.”

Which could all mean nothing but his expecting her not to be a total screwup, but who knows. I consider myself fortunate that none of my teenagers has ever tried the law enforcement gambit to get his/her way.


9,343 posted on 06/10/2016 1:39:18 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: Covenantor

Maybe people had fewer keys then. I’d be in traction before there was time for my earlobe to pull down!


9,344 posted on 06/10/2016 1:40:19 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: Tax-chick

Ohnoes! You don’t have AAA? They unlocked my car door for nothing. Which is why I have them, because I don’t want to pay for the stupidity I exhibit at times. ;o]

Maybe the Law Enforcement Event will prove to be newsworthy. We have them too frequently, here.

Oh. And the latest twist? One of the peeps is trying to get me to agree to be the secretary for the resident council. I don’t know the first thing about secretarying. I understand why she asked me, but that doesn’t mean I appreciate the request. CFIDS is far too unpredictable for me to be anything but relapsing or remissioning. (I like making up my own words!)


9,345 posted on 06/10/2016 1:47:12 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Monkey Face

I do have AAA, but my card was in my purse locked in the car, with the rest of my useful attributes (other than Tom and my debit card).


9,346 posted on 06/10/2016 1:49:32 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: Monkey Face

Besides, I’m sure a locksmith being paid by me up front was much faster (15 min) that whoever AAA would have called.


9,347 posted on 06/10/2016 1:50:06 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: NoCmpromiz

*groan*

Thanks. I needed that... I think. ;o]


9,348 posted on 06/10/2016 1:56:50 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Monkey Face

Pat already knew the answer, but it was new to me.


9,349 posted on 06/10/2016 2:02:13 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh. But AAA should have your name and phone numbers on file and can look up your membership that way. I don’t think I’ve ever had to wait more than 30 minutes, no matter where I pull a stupid trick. And that’s more often than I like to admit, but I always off it onto CFIDS... ;o]

I was afraid I was going to have another knock-down, drag-out with the company I ordered Chuck’s clothes from, but I just checked my email a few minutes ago, and there was a confirmation email from them. Gloriosky! It even had an order number so at least I may be able to track it.


9,350 posted on 06/10/2016 2:03:46 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Tax-chick; NoCmpromiz

I should have known what was coming, considering who it was from — *haha*


9,351 posted on 06/10/2016 2:05:04 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Monkey Face

I’m glad it went well this time.

I’m going to search for a few more garage sale items.


9,352 posted on 06/10/2016 2:05:26 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: Tax-chick

I’m glad it wasn’t any more painful than $75.

And with that, I’ll be heading for the blanket show.

See all y’all tomorrow!


9,353 posted on 06/10/2016 2:16:02 PM PDT by Monkey Face (I'm not much on seizing the day. I just kinda poke it with a stick. :o]))
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To: Monkey Face

Hope you have a good night!


9,354 posted on 06/10/2016 2:16:55 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: Tax-chick
Have been analyzing how that would be achievable on my Hyundai....
It is possible. Just. Requiring a deliberate act by the driver.
Launching the keys back into the car as the door closes having selected lock on the key-fob with as It swings shut.

$75 to unlock....where did he drive from, Oregon?

9,355 posted on 06/10/2016 3:32:06 PM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
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To: moose07

Matthews - just up the road.

I could have waited for a Sheriff’s department officer to come in for a snack (said the employees), but we had other things to do with the day.


9,356 posted on 06/10/2016 4:06:08 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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Lake district.

9,357 posted on 06/10/2016 9:44:25 PM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
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To: Covenantor

9,358 posted on 06/10/2016 9:46:48 PM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
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To: moose07; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

9,359 posted on 06/11/2016 2:36:13 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is a dangerous place whose inhabitation always ends in death."~Theodore Dalrymple)
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To: moose07

LOL!


9,360 posted on 06/11/2016 3:07:18 AM PDT by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
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