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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity
| 12/10/2015
| ArGee
Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee
Raqqa, Syria
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.
"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."
An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.
Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."
According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.
"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."
So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."
TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: moose07
8,021
posted on
05/11/2016 3:10:01 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick
8,022
posted on
05/11/2016 3:11:42 PM PDT
by
moose07
(DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
To: MUDDOG
You keep saying the nicest things. Most of the other Undeaders have learned not to encourage me.
8,023
posted on
05/11/2016 3:26:33 PM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: NicknamedBob
We didn’t think you needed encouragement, Bob.
8,024
posted on
05/11/2016 6:46:59 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick
True. I do bubble over with words at the slightest provocation.
8,025
posted on
05/11/2016 7:20:06 PM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: moose07
I understand London has installed a cameljockey as mayor. The fleas won’t be too far behind.
8,026
posted on
05/12/2016 1:07:31 AM PDT
by
NoCmpromiz
(John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
To: NoCmpromiz; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...
8,027
posted on
05/12/2016 3:50:53 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick; Gefn; Monkey Face; SandyInSeattle
8,028
posted on
05/12/2016 3:52:05 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; Gefn; moose07
8,029
posted on
05/12/2016 4:07:47 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Covenantor
8,030
posted on
05/12/2016 4:19:56 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Covenantor
Oh, to have that frog on the lily pad! What a fun piece for my collection that would be!
8,031
posted on
05/12/2016 4:25:11 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: NoCmpromiz; moose07; ArGee; Covenantor; Tax-chick; NicknamedBob; All
I opened the Dell box this morning, and found a piece of paper with this on it:
Fan replaced
Main Logic Board Replaced
Heatsink replaced
They should have just taken off the case and put a whole new computer inside of it.
It’s probably too much to ask that this is the last time it has to go to the shop...
8,032
posted on
05/12/2016 4:29:08 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: Tax-chick
Grumpy cat sure nailed that one!!!
8,033
posted on
05/12/2016 4:30:07 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: Tax-chick
8,034
posted on
05/12/2016 4:32:14 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: Monkey Face
Good morning. I much prefer to start the day with a kitten ... so much nicer than a sullen teenager wallowing in bed, moaning.
It’s going to be hot here today. I have to go to Walmart.
8,035
posted on
05/12/2016 4:56:10 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Monkey Face; moose07
1914 Alfa
8,036
posted on
05/12/2016 5:09:46 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Covenantor
8,037
posted on
05/12/2016 5:12:59 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Covenantor; Monkey Face
For some reason, I just have an urge to paint that car orange.
8,038
posted on
05/12/2016 5:17:35 AM PDT
by
moose07
(DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
To: Covenantor
The wings are too stubby. The ailerons have no control mechanism, and it doesn’t even have a rudder.
It’ll never fly.
8,039
posted on
05/12/2016 5:22:20 AM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: Covenantor; moose07
Oh. My. Gosh.
What a beauty!
Yes, Moosie, the urge to get orange paint in strong...
8,040
posted on
05/12/2016 5:30:03 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
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