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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity
| 12/10/2015
| ArGee
Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee
Raqqa, Syria
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.
"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."
An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.
Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."
According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.
"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."
So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."
TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: moose07
Upstate NY is more Democrat than flyover America but less so than the People’s Republic of New York City, Warren Wilhelm (aka Bill de Blasio), Mayor.
Coxsackie is pretty near Albany so it might be in a Democrat epicenter.
I speak of an epicenter, because we all know Democrats actually reside in a very hot place below the surface of the earth.
6,041
posted on
03/31/2016 1:16:24 PM PDT
by
ArGee
("Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet." – General James Mattis)
To: Covenantor
Sounds perfect, if you could also walk to the library and the gym.
6,042
posted on
03/31/2016 1:20:16 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: moose07
The older parts of Duke U. are fancy on the inside.
6,043
posted on
03/31/2016 1:20:53 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick
And it’s filled with devils.
Blue Devils, that is.
6,044
posted on
03/31/2016 1:32:49 PM PDT
by
ArGee
("Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet." – General James Mattis)
To: ArGee
Althought the North Carolinians with Tar on their Heels are doing better in hoops this year.
How can anyone play hoops with tar on their heels?
Maybe it’s easier. Whatever. Since I have white man’s disease I don’t play hoops.
6,045
posted on
03/31/2016 1:34:01 PM PDT
by
ArGee
("Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet." – General James Mattis)
To: no-to-illegals
Here is the current Undead Thread. Say hey!
6,046
posted on
03/31/2016 2:18:36 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick; no-to-illegals
*gasp*
n-t-I is Back??? YAY!!!
6,047
posted on
03/31/2016 2:24:43 PM PDT
by
Monkey Face
("You the Bomb! No, YOU the Bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in the Middle East.)
To: Monkey Face; no-to-illegals
Just dropping by, he said. We crossed paths on another thread.
6,048
posted on
03/31/2016 2:29:02 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick
Ah. OK. I’m sorry I missed him.
6,049
posted on
03/31/2016 3:03:08 PM PDT
by
Monkey Face
("You the Bomb! No, YOU the Bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in the Middle East.)
To: Tax-chick
And with that, I’m off to bed.
My back is giving me fits today, for some reason.
6,050
posted on
03/31/2016 3:05:18 PM PDT
by
Monkey Face
("You the Bomb! No, YOU the Bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in the Middle East.)
To: Monkey Face
Hope you have a good night!
6,051
posted on
03/31/2016 3:10:26 PM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...
6,052
posted on
04/01/2016 2:49:10 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick
Yes. That is exactly what kitties think.
I for one, welcome my kitty overlords.
6,053
posted on
04/01/2016 3:28:51 AM PDT
by
Gefn
(I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
To: Gefn
We could do worse than serve cats.
Jake was out last night, which was fine until it started raining. He’s nearly dry now and has gone to bed.
6,054
posted on
04/01/2016 3:57:59 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Gefn; Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07; Darksheare
I for one, welcome my kitty overlords.
"So this is how you welcome your new Overlords? Hardly regal. Prepare to die Hooman!"
6,055
posted on
04/01/2016 4:06:10 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Covenantor
Maybe that wheelbarrow was full of meat!
6,056
posted on
04/01/2016 4:07:06 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; Gefn; moose07; Darksheare
Today's special is our Cup of Tranquility.
Enjoy
6,057
posted on
04/01/2016 4:14:55 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Covenantor
Now that March is over, I’ve given up my concern about getting whitecaps on my cup of coffee in the morning breezes.
6,058
posted on
04/01/2016 4:28:16 AM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: NicknamedBob
morning Bob,
ahhh....surfs up! Kowabunga the net is up and running...catch a wave.
6,059
posted on
04/01/2016 4:34:08 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07; Darksheare; Covenantor
“We could do worse than serve cats”
Serve cats! Wait- they have the cookbook ? Cats are Kanamits?
6,060
posted on
04/01/2016 4:42:01 AM PDT
by
Gefn
(I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
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