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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Monkey Face

We cut out shapes from construction paper so the Cub Scouts can make artworks of them, while Pat regaled us with humorous anecdotes about trigonometric functions.


4,841 posted on 03/07/2016 12:56:17 PM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Tax-chick

Wellnow. Just about the time I was feeling sorry for me about not having a stereo, the maintenance man came and gave me one from an apartment where the resident passed away. The only thing is, I have to REALLY clean this puppy up because the guy was a chain smoker. And the one person in this place that I actively disliked from the beginning.

Karma is really strange, at times!

It would be nice to hear Elen play some Megadeth...talented bunch, your family!


4,842 posted on 03/07/2016 1:59:42 PM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Now that’s just bizarre. I hope you enjoy the stereo.


4,843 posted on 03/07/2016 2:12:13 PM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Tax-chick

Yessim. Bizarre isn’t quite the word, but it fits the occasion. I even told this man that I didn’t like him and I would appreciate it if he wouldn’t try to talk to me in the future. This was eight years ago or so.

However, now I will clean the components and hope that I can play LOTS of music! It has a 5-CD changer, and a cassette recorder/player as well as the AM/FM stuff. I will know more tomorrow, after I get it cleaned.

If it works like I want it to, I will enjoy it immensely!

Sometimes, the best of blessings come disguised in ugly packages!!! I’m sure he would roll over in his grave if he knew it was me, getting the stereo!


4,844 posted on 03/07/2016 2:41:20 PM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

I’m off to bed...

See all y’all when I get aroundtoit.


4,845 posted on 03/07/2016 3:24:17 PM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Have a good night! Maybe the next surprise will be word of an apartment in St. George.


4,846 posted on 03/07/2016 5:36:57 PM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; ArGee; NicknamedBob; null and void; All
From the littleknowntrivia department..

Remember the Ventures? The instrumental rock band from the 60's? (Of course if you're only 34 as I am, you will only have heard them on one of those oldies stations. ;-)

Their biggest hit was "Wipeout", but their first hit was "Walk Don't Run". Their original 17 year old drummer George Babbitt left after 8 months to join the Air Force.

He came back for a reunion to play "Walk Don't Run" with them again in March of 1998...

1998.March 1st.Walk Don't Run

4,847 posted on 03/07/2016 8:05:41 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

“Wipeout,” the surf-music classic? Why don’t I remember “The Ventures” as the performers?

DP and I (and Elen) just watched the finale of “Downton Abbey.” They wrapped up *almost* everything happily. I’m sure Mr. Molesley and Miss Baxter will be married in short order.

Then World War II, of course.


4,848 posted on 03/07/2016 8:07:37 PM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Tax-chick

Memory’s the second thing to go...


4,849 posted on 03/07/2016 8:14:33 PM PST by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: Tax-chick
The Ventures - Wipe Out

Well, you see it's like this.

The song was originally recorded by the Surfaris in 1962 as the 'B' side of 'Surfer Joe'.. Of course, the 'B' side instrumental became the hit and the 'A' side only got airplay because it happened to tag along.

So your memory isn't really faulty. The Surfaris had only limited success with anything else they released and disbanded in early 1966. The Ventures covered 'Wipe Out' in 1965 on their live album 'The Ventures On Stage' and continued to perform it afterwards..

So you probably remember it this way..

Surfaris Wipe Out

4,850 posted on 03/07/2016 9:10:56 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: Tax-chick

St George is at least a year away. It said so in the letter of acceptance.

I’m tired I don’t want to be up. I don’t want to take a shower, but I have to. My allergies kept me awake most of the night, and they are messing with me this morning and the sun isn’t even up.

*whine-whine-whine*


4,851 posted on 03/08/2016 4:57:26 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Tax-chick; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

4,852 posted on 03/08/2016 4:58:19 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Monkey Face

Morning! I’m running a little late today. I was going to go to Weight Watchers, but I’m hoping Sally’s doctor will call about changing her medication, and I need to go to Walmart, and Jamie’s coming after lunch to cut my hair, and we have to go to the library ...


4,853 posted on 03/08/2016 4:59:45 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; redhead

(Ping to 4847, redhead)

IIRC, my sister said the Ventures played in Alaska for a while, but I can’t attest to that. She can correct me if I’m wrong!I can just remember that time of my life and it wasn’t too bad.


4,854 posted on 03/08/2016 5:05:25 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Tax-chick

Yez, I duz need improvementz diz week.

I need to go to Walmart, but I can’t.

So I’ll stay home. And now, for my next trip, I’ll go take a shower. I don’t know where I’ll take it, but I’ll take it.


4,855 posted on 03/08/2016 5:09:04 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Just don’t take it outside.

Pat is lurking. I’d better let him do math before he busts a gasket.


4,856 posted on 03/08/2016 5:09:53 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Tax-chick

I’m lonely. Can I come and run around with you and your kids in that Great White Whale?

Shower time.


4,857 posted on 03/08/2016 5:10:30 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

next trip = next TRICK! GAH!


4,858 posted on 03/08/2016 5:11:28 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face
"I'd better let him do math before he busts a gasket."

Set him up on four-cusped hypocycloids. They're quite lovely.

4,859 posted on 03/08/2016 5:32:01 AM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: Tax-chick

I just ran out of cleaning pads for my Wet Jet, I’m out of coffee, and have only one TV dinner. I wonder how all that happened at once? Maybe my allergies are worse than I thought, and are affecting my brems.

I had to change the lower back procedure to a morning appointment and that set it back to the 19th of April. If it wasn’t such an important test, I wouldn’t have agreed to it at all.


4,860 posted on 03/08/2016 6:08:12 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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