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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: null and void

Potassium pills for your leg cramps. :o]


4,821 posted on 03/07/2016 7:28:31 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Have a banana,
have a whole bunch,
it doesn’t matter
what you had for lunch...


4,822 posted on 03/07/2016 7:44:59 AM PST by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: null and void

Bananas have potassium, so does orange juice, but if you take potassium pills every day, you won’t have the leg cramps. Just sayin’


4,823 posted on 03/07/2016 7:58:49 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

I took potassium and magnesium (IIRC)


4,824 posted on 03/07/2016 8:00:26 AM PST by morphing libertarian
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To: morphing libertarian; Monkey Face

I’m on diuretics and need to verify that potassium pills are OK.

I recall one of them explicitly advising avoiding lite salt (Half NaCl, half KCL)


4,825 posted on 03/07/2016 8:05:48 AM PST by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: morphing libertarian

I take those every day. Most people don’t know they need magnesium.

Maybe if I started earlier, I could live forever! ;o]


4,826 posted on 03/07/2016 8:09:06 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: null and void

Interesting. Well, you’re the expert on your own body, so you are also the expert on taking care of it. :o])


4,827 posted on 03/07/2016 8:10:33 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Windy!

I went to yoga. It was okay. I’ve been waking up feeling as if I’ve been beaten all night because Jake is feeling clingy.


4,828 posted on 03/07/2016 8:30:20 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: null and void

If you’re on HCTZ and have leg cramps constantly, have your Dr do blood test for Potassium levels. Compare K levels with previous blood tests. HCTZ prevents K uptake, over time, leading to hypokalemia, potentially a very serious condition. Check it out ASAP.


4,829 posted on 03/07/2016 8:36:22 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor

Will do. I have a Drs appointment Wednesday.


4,830 posted on 03/07/2016 8:40:54 AM PST by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: null and void

I hope no one comes here and takes what we recommend without talking to their doctor or doing some research.

When I go low carb diet I get cramps in my calves after about 5 days.


4,831 posted on 03/07/2016 8:54:07 AM PST by morphing libertarian
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To: Tax-chick

Mt Charleston has a new, thick blanket of white this morning. The wind was blowing here, too, and when I went up to the laundry room, I thought I would freeze.

I just had some coffee and some Oreos, (too many!) and now I want to lie down and take a nap. And maybe I need to do it quickly. Before I’m out of the mood! LOL!

I really need a hair trim...


4,832 posted on 03/07/2016 9:22:30 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: morphing libertarian

I take yellow mustard for cramps.


4,833 posted on 03/07/2016 9:23:38 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Monkey Face

Jamie had recovered from the shock and will come over to cut my hair tomorrow afternoon. I was prepared to give her a little longer, but I’m glad I don’t have to!


4,834 posted on 03/07/2016 9:24:17 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: morphing libertarian

Let us hope that most FReepers are as intelligent as they sound. That means, they won’t run out and try everything they read about without doing some research.


4,835 posted on 03/07/2016 9:24:22 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Tax-chick

Good for Jamie!

Give her a hug for me, please!


4,836 posted on 03/07/2016 9:29:06 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

I will.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with the Cub Scouts. If there were more of them, I could teach them to dance the Ormenlange and sing in Old Norse.


4,837 posted on 03/07/2016 9:31:21 AM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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To: Tax-chick

I am so depressed...


4,838 posted on 03/07/2016 11:12:12 AM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Tax-chick

I went to use my umbrella yesterday, and it wouldn’t open. For the last 20 years, when I needed an umbrella, I bought “Raines” brand and really like them. This umbrella is a Totes, and I have often bought Totes brands, knowing they are guaranteed.

I got an email today from them, that if I send the umbrella back with $5, they will replace the umbrella with the same model or a comparable model. Wonderful! Now all I have to do is get the money together to send it back. Haha.

My grandson sent an email, (addressed to absolutely everyone he knows!) and he sounds so pumped up about his mission! What a great kid!! His feelings are so contagious!

Tomorrow, I will mop the kitchen floor and hope it looks better when I’m done. In the meantime, I’m really wishing I had a nice stereo with some heavy bass... Now I’m all depressed again. At least with a loud stereo, I could clean house to the beat! :o]


4,839 posted on 03/07/2016 12:39:34 PM PST by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

I’m sorry. I wish I could send you Elen to play Megadeth for you.


4,840 posted on 03/07/2016 12:55:33 PM PST by Tax-chick (There is nothing new under the sun.)
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