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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: null and void

1500

(It doesn’t rhyme, so sue meeee...)


1,501 posted on 01/03/2016 11:09:33 AM PST by null and void (Not quite parallel, more like skew...)
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To: Monkey Face

Darn you!!!!


1,502 posted on 01/03/2016 11:09:54 AM PST by null and void (Not quite parallel, more like skew...)
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To: NicknamedBob

Yep, I do, too!

It’s just such a fun-looking toy!


1,503 posted on 01/03/2016 11:10:35 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Tax-chick

I went and got four more quarters. I need to turn in the rest of my change and get four more quarters. :o]

I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I’ve been getting dizzy when I move, today. That’s not good at all. I’ve been doing fine since the epidurals and the gabapentin and the morphine. Now, it’s almost like none of that happened.

When I got back from the store, I put the clean sheets on the bed. At least the morphine lets me do that with relatively little lower back pain, now.

I found some frozen soup vegetables, so I can make soup any time now. I will have to buy a slice of ham and another can of chicken, and more stock, but I’m good to go. I’ve got plenty of spices and herbs to add it, so the sky’s the limit on soups!


1,504 posted on 01/03/2016 11:19:27 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: null and void

:o])

It was just BEGGING to be stolen!

<3


1,505 posted on 01/03/2016 11:20:56 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

It’s going to be an interesting election campaign, has been already.


1,506 posted on 01/03/2016 11:26:12 AM PST by SunkenCiv (Here's to the day the forensics people scrape what's left of Putin off the ceiling of his limo.)
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To: SunkenCiv

If Trump has done nothing else, he has stated the obvious that many people are afraid to talk about. I gotta give him credit for that! He’s finding that dirty laundry and hanging it on the line and that’s a good thing! Let’s hope he digs up the White Water, Vince Foster and Bengazi events and shows people he isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade.

I won’t vote for him unless he is the lesser of two evils, but I gotta admire his intestinal fortitude.


1,507 posted on 01/03/2016 11:40:59 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

Good job! I finished my batch of mixed-vegetable at lunch today. Maybe I’ll make more next week.


1,508 posted on 01/03/2016 12:39:24 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: SunkenCiv; Tax-chick; NicknamedBob; Monkey Face

I bet! I’m following Metal Detectives, @DetectingDigsUK on Twitter. I’d love to spend a day detecting with them!


1,509 posted on 01/03/2016 12:40:04 PM PST by fanfan ("If Muslim kids were asked to go to church on Sunday and take Holy Communion there would be war.")
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To: Tax-chick

I just ate lunch, and my stomach is feeling a little queasy. I hope it doesn’t last too long.

I just wrote a letter to my grandson on a mission, Slamdunk, and was surprised that I was able to write 1-1/2 pages. It’s been so long since I’ve had a missionary to write to, I’ve almost forgotten what it was like.

In my first letter to him, I promised to write every Sunday, and I really don’t want to break that promise. I also told him I would send him a Walmart gift card whenever I could. The Rules are that they can’t have cash or electronics, so I’m hoping the gift cards will help him with his food buying.

My son is still having that “empty nest” feeling because Slamdunk is his only child. He seems to think I don’t know about things like that! :o])

My kids have been gone for 30 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever adjusted to that. :o[


1,510 posted on 01/03/2016 12:55:43 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: fanfan

I’d like to get a metal detector, but I don’t have the money for it. I think that would be a fun hobby. :o]


1,511 posted on 01/03/2016 12:57:09 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

Someday I will experience having fewer children at home, I’m sure. Perhaps the Student Prince will graduate ...


1,512 posted on 01/03/2016 2:13:31 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick; NicknamedBob; SunkenCiv; null and void; No compromise

First, you need the metal detector.
Then you need the batteries, earphones, a small shovel, a few hand trowels, some small towels, a package of hand wipes, a flashlight, some plastic bags for finds, more plastic bags (for garbage), warm clothes, drink holders, a pee bottle, and a copy of the Magna Carta.


1,513 posted on 01/03/2016 2:46:18 PM PST by fanfan ("If Muslim kids were asked to go to church on Sunday and take Holy Communion there would be war.")
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To: Tax-chick

I suspect my “empty nest syndrome” won’t even hold a candle to yours. I only have two kids...

Perhaps the Student Prince will find a hard-working Princess who will be willing to have him underfoot forever. We can only hope...


1,514 posted on 01/03/2016 2:55:33 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: fanfan

Pretty much everything after “metal detector” is currently available. Funny how that works...


1,515 posted on 01/03/2016 2:56:35 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

If a hobby is important enough, the peripheral expenses seem minimal. Till they bankrupt you, lol.


1,516 posted on 01/03/2016 3:08:45 PM PST by fanfan ("If Muslim kids were asked to go to church on Sunday and take Holy Communion there would be war.")
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Here's a little Hope and Change..
1,517 posted on 01/03/2016 3:48:41 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

"Monday? You can't be series!"

1,518 posted on 01/04/2016 2:16:19 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

That’s what I’m sayin’: You can’t be series!

Laundry day. I’m still a little dizzy, and my neck woke me up. I don’t recall how my head was lying on my pillow, but my neck is very stiff and sore.

NOT looking forward to washing!


1,519 posted on 01/04/2016 4:16:50 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

47 degrees, SE @ 5, 47%, wind chill 45.

Some Mondays are more Mondayer than others. — Ziggy


1,520 posted on 01/04/2016 4:26:25 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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