Pentagon Scraps 'Lightsaber' Weapons Program After Gross Misconduct, Numerous Injuries

http://www.duffelblog.com ^ | 11/15/13 | Taylor Merrick

[Rebelbase]

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — A top secret weapons development program has been scrapped after countless allegations of misconduct and numerous injuries were sustained by soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan, The Duffel Blog has learned.

Dubbed “The Lightsaber,” the weapon (nomenclature MR2D2) was a near perfect imitation of those carried by Jedi Knights in the iconic Star Wars movies.

“Even with having the most professional military in the world,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little, “we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they’ve dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey.”

While the original intent behind the program was to provide a new, stealthy device for entry into suspected insurgent hideouts, the program quickly descended into chaos when infantry and special operations units were given lightsabers to test on the battlefield.

Less than 30 minutes after being issued the new weapon, one soldier severed his hand reenacting the infamous “Star Wars kid” YouTube video. Another had his confiscated for sketching sexually explicit images on the side of concrete bunkers and two Marines were arrested for poking lightsaber peep holes into female showers.

“What were they thinking?” said Capt. John Douglas. “My infantry company is now at 50 percent strength. Every single one of my soldiers took a brain dump. Even my first sergeant, who’s a huge Star Wars and 2Pac fan, wanted me to brand his arm with ‘Jedi 4 life.’”

While most incidents have not been officially reported as officers scramble to salvage their careers, rumors have circulated to the most egregious uses by service members.

One special forces soldier was caught trimming his beard, a group of soldiers held a lightsaber jousting tournament using donkeys and a Marine was flown to Germany for surgery after joking to a female, “is that a lightsaber in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?”

Despite being carried on numerous missions, the lightsaber was never once used for its intended purpose. Allegations of detainee abuse have surfaced after special forces raided a suspected IED bomb makers house and threatened to ‘Dooku his ass.’

The test program — which was supposed to last three months — was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.

“Dude,” said Jones. “Do you think I could block a bullet?”

[Rebelbase]

The author served as an infantryman in Afghanistan.

[Rebelbase]

[jsanders2001]

I guess Yoda will have to show them how it’s done

[null and void]

Show them how it is done, I will, eerm...

[mkmensinger]

Controlled by the dark side they were.

[USNBandit]

I remember one time when my squadron CO handed out a box of Bench Made push button auto knives. Within minutes we had a pool going for who the first person would be to cut themselves. Everybody voted for the same guy so we shifted to a time to bleeding format. 10 minutes later said individual walked in looking for a bandaid, to find the pool written up on the white board.

[a fool in paradise]

Then there's that whole repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell thing...

[SkyDancer]

I’ve always wondered how the length of the light would just stop maybe three feet. OTOH, got caught thinking the story was true until near the end. Funny.

[KarlInOhio]

Could be worse. Imagine a bunch of ravers pumped up on ecstacy dancing with these instead of glow sticks.

[bigbob]

May the farts be with you!

[RandallFlagg]

I wonder if they used my idea.

All known matter is surrounded by a kind of cloud of electrons. Electrons are electrically neutral. This is why my fingers are able to push down on these keys as I type: Like charges repel each other.

What if, through some collossal blunder of physics, the atoms of my fingers were surrounded by a cloud of positively charged electrons (Called Positrons)? My fingers would then pass through the keyboard, causing a shearing effect that would seperate the matter at the atomic level, and damaging the keyboard and my fingers.

If a controllable beam of positrons were to be emitted in a preset area and stream, it would pass through all known forms of matter. In fact, the only thing that would halt such a shearing effect would be another beam of positrons.

We are already able to make electrons pretty much do what we want (stunguns, Tesla Coils, etc.). How difficult would it be to do the same with positrons?

As a lifesaving tool, it would effortlessly cut through steel, concrete and anything else the user wished. As a weapon, it would bore holes through armor thicker than anything currently known. Anything made of atoms would be influenced by a positron beam.

That's the theory. Putting it in a package the size of a chrome flashlight, however.....

Blast from the past.

[LucianOfSamasota]

These aren’t the marines you’re looking for...

[ImJustAnotherOkie]

The only thing more devastating to morale would be lie detector glasses.

I guess the Air Force poked holes in the Men’s showers?

[RandallFlagg]

I’ve always wondered how the length of the light would just stop maybe three feet.

It would be an arc, not a straight beam. Coming out of the emitter in a loop, and back.

[Antihero101607]

The govt. pulls the plug on the creating one of the baddest ass fictional weapons of all time, but they give massive grants for the study of urine as it hits a toilet?

[KitJ]

Hokey religions and ancient magic are no match for a good blaster at your side!

(Han Shot First!)

[KC_Lion]

It is not as Clumsy or Random as a Blaster.

An elegant weapon from a more...civilized age.

[Rebelbase]

#17 and #18, Well done, both of you!

[sportutegrl]

After I had bought one of those new ceramic kitchen knives, it didn't take long before three family members, (myself included) had cut themselves.

When I told my mother about it, she asked, "so it's sharp?"

"Like a piece of glass" I replied.