Posted on 06/04/2013 3:01:46 PM PDT by ladyjane
A friend of mine needs some advice. His mother-in-law is moving to his small hometown where he lives with his wife and children. She says she's moving there (from 300 miles away) because it's too expensive where she is and she wants to get to know her grandchildren better. In fact she's never really shown much interest in her grandchildren.
She currently lives close to her other children but has had difficulty getting along with her sons-in-law and their families and even with her own daughters. He's worried that it will be a repeat of the difficult situation she has had with them. She's definitely moving to his town and has picked out a house within a couple of miles of his house.
I told him they need to set some limits at the beginning, for example, no dropping by unannounced, no criticism of is wife to him, no criticism of him to his wife, especially in front of the children.
I wanted to tell him to consider moving and not leaving a forwarding address but I don't think he's in the mood for humor. He's really worried.
I'm turning to Freepers to ask them their advice on what kind of limits would be good to consider.
TaxChick - You seem to be able to deal with all sorts of problems. Any suggestions?
Skype.
razor wire, snapping turtles, lots and lots of cats to mess with her allergies.
Been there, Done that, Moved to save the marriage, worked for awhile then...
Seriously, set limits by example, for instance even with my own parents, I always call a day or so ahead of time before visiting. It’s polite, it tells them that you care about their privacy and if there is a scheduling conflict other plans can be made.
Get it and read it. It is very useful.
I’ve seen this exact situation on Dr. Phil. The mother in law would never take responsibility for her actions and blamed everyone else for all the problems that she herself caused. Your friend needs to set a hard line and never back down. I predict no good outcome.
Love her? It is possible it could work out nicely, too.
A tough situation. A lot depends on the relationship that your friend’s wife has with her mother. It would be a very very bad idea for him to get in the middle of any disagreements his wife and MIL may have. In the end they would both gang up together on him.
Honestly as hard as this may be, he should try to stay out of the day to day drama and interactions that go on between his wife and his MIL. One big exception to this would be regarding lending the lady money. Your friend and his wife need to negotiate between themselves the circumstances ( if any) under which they gift her cash, and friend needs to understand he will not see the money again.
Good Luck to all....
His MIL?
What does HIS wife say about the situation?
If he alienates one, will he also alienate the other?
Tax Chick is far more wise than me but I will give it my best shot. Okay... here goes. Your friend can’t tell anyone where or when they can move. That being said, I totally agree with some guidelines and limited expectations. Perhaps... this woman has turned over a new leaf and truly wants to get to know her grandkids. It may not be HOW the family totally expects a grandparent to act, but not all grandparents act the same way. I say this with an open heart. My kids don’t have any grandparents so my judgement may be a bit clouded here. They would have loved some contact vs none at all. I would suggest that the parents keep their conversations/fears out of the kid’s ears right now.
It all has to do with power. The parents can limit or extend visitation at any time. They can invite or not. They can also set the stage (so to speak) to open up a possible great relationship between this woman and her grandkids. I have known people who don’t necessarily get along great with a mother-in-law BUT the same woman was adored and worshipped by her grandkids. Again, a Grammy that quilts, bakes cookies and is a sweetheart to EVERYONE is somewhat fiction if you ask me. Good luck to your friends and again... they hold the power by simply saying no or restricting contact. Hugs, Mom
I have the same situation coming up with my mother-in-law. She has alienated herself with all of her family and when she retires she is going to move near us. I told her that if she spends more than 51% of her time at my house I will go and move into hers. She bought a duplex already and I fixed it up so she could rent it. I asked my wife if we could find someone to sign a ten year lease. Hopefully all goes will with your situation.
Get a pit bull?
Good suggestions.
I will definitely get the book, read it, and give it to him. Thank you.
Mother-in-law moving to town?
Only one possible course of action: blow your brains out.
LOL
I’m afraid you’re right. I’m not optimistic.
A friend of mine needs some advice. His mother-in-law
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What about his wife, the daughter of the lady moving? What is her opinion, feelings, etc. You are speaking of the son-in-law as your friend, what about your friendship with his wife. If she doesn’t have any problems with the pending situation then the husband best get acclimated or...
JMO....
I have lived next door to my daughter and her husband since they got married 19 years ago and it has been great. I have watched their two children grow up and I wouldn’t change a thing. My son also lives within a couple of miles and I have watched his children grow up also and helped when he got custody. So I say just enjoy it. I love my son-in-law as much as my own sons.
My MIL was threatening to move to Tucson for a while. One of the places she was looking at was within walking distance of where we live. Luckily my wife finds her mom almost as annoying as I do, so we had a united front that strong boundaries would be set and strictly enforced. She changed her mind eventually, but it’s the united front that would have made the situation survivable.
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