Too funny!!!!! Thanks for sharing
that is really funny!
My father’s favorite joke was: “Did you hear about the thrifty tomcat? Every night he put a little in the kitty.”
My favorite joke is: “Mama, Mama, why am I going around in circles? Shut up, kid, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”
A sick, sick joke.
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and
accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.
“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.
“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.
Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'”
I’d get banned for posting the whole joke so here’s the punchline:
“With gums like that, who would?”
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "OK. Involuntary Muscle contractions. Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his buddies."
Just because this hit my inbox while I was reading yours...
Theater seats -
An old man lay sprawled
across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this,
he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man just groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m
going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old
disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied............”The balcony.”
Good one. When I lived in Texas many years ago, Aggie jokes were all the rage. My two favorites:
Did you hear about the Aggie who almost one the Indianapolis 500? He lost because he had to stop three times - once for gas and twice for directions.
Did you hear about the Aggie who tried to beat the railroad crossing? He was killed when he hit the 32nd car.
Poor Aggies.
How many dead people are buried in Forest Lawn cemetery?
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He sat up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Three couples sought to join a church, an elderly pair, a middle aged couple and two young newly weds.
The pastor told all three couples that, in order to join the church, they would have to abstain from sex for a month. They should all meet with him in a month and report on their experience.
A month later, in the pastors office, the elderly couple said they managed fine and were ready to join up. The middle aged couple said it was a difficult month but with prayer and determination they made it. The pastor welcomed them in and asked the young couple how they did.
The young man said they made it about two weeks and then lost it. “What happened?” asked the pastor,
“Well, she bent over to pick up a can of soup and I lost it, I tore off her pants and just drilled her”
The pastor, a bit taken aback by the language, explained that they couldn’t join his church.
“That’s okay” said the young man, “We can’t go back to Safeway either”
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your
wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You Bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom ....
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more
outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
Paddy stands up and says ....
“I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that
arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
All I can say regarding the best jokes of our time is that the left wing media by way of Yahoo Answers et al have managed to delete all previous references to “KENYA THEY GOT EM ALL OVER THE PLACE” as the punchline of The Parrot Joke and replaced it simply with CHICAGO. Now THERE’s Soros-funded “web optimization” in action!
It’s times like these when FR needs a “like” button. Thanks for a good laugh.
They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."
Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
