A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "OK. Involuntary Muscle contractions. Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his buddies."
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire marketing department and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!"
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said Bob.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."