Come on, I am not claiming to be a good joke teller, but one can on solicit jokes without throwing one out there.
All I have is un-pc jokes, bad jokes, and dumb jokes. So here is one, the latest light bulb joke in Poland.
Pole#1 ‘how many Americans does it take to change a light bulb’
Pole#2 ‘One’ And they all start laughing
;-)
What comes next?
Socks!
With ten issues (tennis shoes,) you need socks.
Barack Hussein Obama...
Ta-Dum - not sure how good that one is to read, but it is a hit told in a southern drawl ;)
After a while the dog does not return and the men go looking for him. They see a bush shaking and the owner kicks it and out runs a poodle and it takes off down the street. His dog sheepishly comes out and the guy says.
I don't understand. I've sent you places before and you never did this? The dog looks at him and says...I never had the money before.
I Laid An Egg on Aunt Ruth's Head: Conquering English and It's Ruthless Ways
can order here:
click on "order online". This author is holding a book signing at this All Booked Up bookstore in Apex NC this Saturday - it will be a hoot!!!
Great and hilarious book to have beside you when posting on FR and you want to avoid the Grammar Police!
Obama
Hahahaha!
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6’ 2’’, and strong as an ox and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally became of age he applied to where he had dreamed of working, the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a week of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy says: “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an ‘attitude suitability test’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens,
Six lawyers,
Six meth dealers,
Six Muslim extremists,
And a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude,” says the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
I have a great knock-knock joke
OK, you start- say “Knock-Knock”
Two ducks were swimming in a pond.
One duck said, “Pass the salt, please.”
The other duck replied, “What do you think I am? A radio?”
Go to the official Friday Sillyness Thread!
"The Aristocrats !"
O just got this one in my email. It’s one of the only “clean” and unpolitical jokes I’ve recieved in quite a while:
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’
Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like...Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents.
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- ‘You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads::
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
A skeleton enters a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
Nancy Pelosi and her chauffeur are driving along a country road.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy .
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
"What happened to you?" asks Nancy .
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a great meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy .
"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."