Posted on 08/12/2009 12:49:25 PM PDT by Jewbacca
U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Hard to find some humor in all of the morass.
Hard to find some humor in all of the morass.
That's hilarious!
Mel
Woman to W.Churchill at a dinner:
“You, Sir, are drunk”
Churchill reply:
“Yes, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly”
Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....
CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.
Special “Bonus Money” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.
ATTENTION - ROADS CLOSED THIS WEEKEND
For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29 & I-90 will be closed this weekend Expect
long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic
disruptions in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha,
NE. A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so
that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore.
A Cowboy walked into a drug store in west Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses.
A young Barack Obama and Michele were laying in bed after their first date — which ended up with them making passionite love for hours.
As they were relaxing, Barack just had to scratch his balls, so he tried to hide it.
“Oh, don’t hide, Barack,” said Michele. “I love to see a man scratch his balls.”
Really?” exclaimed a suprised Barck. “You like to see me scratch my balls?”
“Yeah,” cooed Michele. “I really miss mine.”
Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama walk into a bar. Jimmy Carter asks the bartender for a glass of beer. The bartender says, “I’m not going to serve you, that was my daughter’s pet rabbit you killed with the oar, I lost my job when unemployment went over 10% and I had to become a bartender, I wasn’t able to sell my house because the interest rate was over 18%, finally I couldn’t have sex with my wife because she was so upset because our son was one of the hostages.”
Carter replied, “All I can say in my defense, at least Ronald Reagan was able to get elected handily.” Bartender hands Carter a beer.
Bill Clinton asks the bartender for a Margarita. The bartender says, “I’m not going to serve you. I had to look at and listen to your wife for 8 years, watch as you put this great nation through Hell with your impeachment when you should have resigned and I lost what left of my life savings when the tech bubble burst.”
Clinton replied, “That may be true but George W. Bush was able to restore some class and dignity to the office.” The bartender hands Clinton a Margarita.
Obama asks the bartender for a Shirley Temple. The bartender hands him Obama a Shirley Temple.
Carter and Clinton both pipe up, “Hey, he wasn’t even born in America! He’s taking this country down to financial ruin! He’s a Marxist, fer crying our loud.”
The bartender says, “Yup, I know. But I also bet every regular in this joint 1000 bucks the next President of the U.S.A. is going to be a dog and in the past 6 months alone he’s damn near guaranteed!”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “Hey, why the long face?”.
One day, with a sudden flash and the smell of sulfur, the Devil appeared in Senator Harry Reid’s office.
The Devil said, “I will give you money, power, the ability to impose your will on others, but you must give me your immortal soul and work for the domination of Evil over the world and the oppression on men.”
Senator Reid thought for a moment, then said, “Wait a minute! What’s the catch?@”
LOL
Very good
Former Senator Edwards related this story.
Back in the day, Edward’s prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and he always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day “little” sister called and asked Edwards to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered to him that she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome.
She told Edwards that she wanted him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. Well, he was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
He was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
Edwards opened the door, and headed straight towards his car. Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, Edward’s soon-to-be father-in-law hugged him and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”
And the moral of his story?
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A woman has terrible gas. Goes to the doctor and says doctor, doctor what can I do? He gives her a bottle of pills and tells he to come back the next day. Next day she comes back with the same problem and doctor gives more pills...this continues for a few more days and finally she comes back to his office and waits a few minutes. The doctor enters the room with a long pole with a hook on the end of it. The woman is alarmed and says doctor, doctor what are you going to do with that? He says, I’m going to open that window up there; it stinks like shit in here!
Clinto, Carter and Obama walk into a bar; the bartender says get the f*** out of here.
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’
The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’
Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.’
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Christian, a Jew and Barack Obama are in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Barack Obama says, “This joke isn’t going to work because there’s no Muslim in this boat.”
++++++++++++++++++++
What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common?
They both attract young people with mindless verses
Anagram:
President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish
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