The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Mr. Silverback]

John Wayne spanked his wife or pre-marriage romantic interest in at least a couple of movies made around the same time as these ads. Donovan's Reef (a really fun film if you don't let the spanking scene bother you) leaps to mind.

[21twelve]

My old boss and I were looking at a job site with a client - another older gentlemen that he was friends with, and a young female engineer that worked for him.

Whenever the older guy would say something, the young gal would correct him, or say something about “or we may do it this way, etc.” The older gentleman just let it slide off his back and ignored it.

After 3 or 4 times though, my old boss could not ignore it.

“Young lady - that is no way to talk to your boss in front of others! If you have a disagreement with his approach you can discuss it privately. If I hear one more comment out of you I’ll bend you over my knee and give you a spanking like you deserve. Now, lets take a look at this other part of the site.”

I was in shock - but the two older guys turned to walk to the other part of the site. I don’t recall what the younger gal was doing, probably keeping her head down and staring at the ground like I was! (We got the job too - and no lawsuits!)

[Mr. Silverback]

LOL!

You know what? You make the obnoxious whippersnapper a guy and the story still works. :-)

[Red in Blue PA]

And the photo shows only guns, no ammo.

[meyer]

What exactly is wrong with spanking a wife when she’s done something wrong? It used to be commonly understood that women were child like.

The trick is marrying a woman that enjoys it...

[Caipirabob]

And the photo shows only guns, no ammo.

That would be true today - lol!

[Marysecretary]

Yes, I can understand that but did they continue using it after 2nd WW?

[Marysecretary]

Well, if truth be told, if more women did this now, their marriages might be happier. We go our own ways nowadays and that’s not healthy for a marriage. I wouldn’t go so far as a ribbon in my hair, LOL. Lots of this is silly but some of it has merit. And you bet I’d complain if he went out nights without me.

[Bokababe]

You’ve got one totally sick sense of humor — and I love it! Keep the weirdness coming!

[Marysecretary]

I’d also like to see an ad with what MEN should do...

[Darksheare]

I had the chance to experiment with this today.
I was going to give a pair of Syrian Bears my coffee.
But I was talked out of it.

[Bokababe]

Looks like someone confused "having a wife" with "owning a dog".

[Cheburashka]

Yes, I can understand that but did they continue using it after 2nd WW?

---

No. They must have come to the realization that the symbol was tainted, and nobody cared that they had been using it since before Hitler joined the Nazi Party.

Here is a display of current Air Force roundels, including Finland's.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_aircraft_insignia

[ozarkgirl]

Was just looking through the latest posts, don't even know what article you posted to!

Just wanted to chime in and say there are some men here on FR who believe everything in that article! Fortunately they are few and far between.

Looks like someone confused "having a wife" with "owning a dog".

I treat my dog better than that.

[Marysecretary]

Thank you. That’s a relief.

[19th LA Inf]

There was an ad for Thompson submachine guns that ran in the Saturday Evening Post, or some major magazine, showing a cowboy on the porch of the ranch house hosing down the rustlers by the corral with a Tommygun. This was before there was any federal restriction on possession of one.

[ctdonath2]

And some of us are learning the value of such arrangements the hard way.

[Bokababe]

"Just wanted to chime in and say there are some men here on FR who believe everything in that article! Fortunately they are few and far between."

Oh, absolutely. But I suppose that it shouldn't be a surprise that you'd find a few throwbacks on a Conservative website.

I recall a really nice old guy that I worked with when I was in college many years ago. He was in his late 60's, decorated WWII Vet, an an Emmy winning writer, and happily married. I was about 19 years old and single at the time. He said to me, "Any man who doesn't see his wife as a full partner and an equal in the marriage, isn't worth crap. And don't you ever forget that!" I didn't forget, and finally got a husband whose a real gem of a man. But I unfortunately kissed a lot of frogs first before I realized "what you see is what you get" -- there is no magical "transformation".

Slightly off the subject, if you haven't seen it, there is a really funny movie about "men and women" that I saw last week called, "the Ugly Truth". Went to see it on a girls night out, and we absolutely howled with laughter! And Gerard Butler is just perfect in the role.

[Bean Counter]

[Red in Blue PA]

LOL! Touche!