The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[SoftballMominVA]

Gingers **shudder**

[SoftballMominVA]

No undercurrent there huh?

[csvset]

Now that’s my kind of gal. (post 75)

[csvset]

“Mad Men” -

MadMen

August 16th, the start of Season 3.

[Caipirabob]

The only inaccuracy I see is that we all wear cowboy hats when handling firearms around the Christmas tree.

[ichabod1]

I don’t see that ad as being that bizarre. In fact, I think I remember it. It might have been from the year that I got a bb gun and my brother got a powerful pump pellet gun.

[ctdonath2]

That one IS in Maxim, GQ and every other men’s magazine today.

[Caipirabob]

Here's a classic that belongs here! ; )

Where's my cool drink, woman?!? *sound of glass breaking*

[combat_boots]

Many of us grew up in such households. Even this old coot.

[csvset]

mini-Igloos and ice on hand

Nothing like ice for severed or partially severed limbs.

I sliced the tip of my finger and deemed that it would take stitches to close. So I emersed the damaged digit in a mug of ice water.

The first doc, (a young gal), frowned at this, dumped the water out of proceeded to try to jab the injured digit with a needle.

That didn't go over well.

A different doc came over, told her to get lost. He produced another cup of icy water to numb the digit.

Once it was numb, he stitched it up.

[Verbosus]

I seriously laughed out loud at that one.

Thanks!

[Cheburashka]

Guess it was a pretty happy time for the guys - especially with the women barefoot and pregnant...

---

Kind of a wash. You don't have all those shoes cluttering up the closet, but all the kids around....

[Cheburashka]

The Finish Air Force used the swastika in their roundel from 1918 to after WWII. In the Finnish colors of blue and white of course.

The United States 45th National Guard Division used the swastika on its shoulder patch during the 20’s and 30’s.

[Cheburashka]

Wow. It surprises me that Finland would have the swastika. Wonder why?

---

They used it as their air force roundel from 1918, long before the Nazis started using it.

[Darksheare]

I wonder what would happen if we gave a bear my coffee?

[AUJenn]

Looking forward to it! Best show on TV, I think.

Love the authentic details, great story lines and characters.

[Eaker]

Don’t do it, you’re still a young man!

[Mr. Silverback]

Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.

Not only not creepy, but the subject of the best Christmas movie ever.

[Little Ray]

It was a in a different direction though, I think.

[Cheburashka]

I'm not going to post the Nazi flag on Free Republic, so I give you the urls.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2f/Flag_of_Germany_1933.svg

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/54/Finland_roundel_WW2_border.svg