Posted on 03/17/2009 11:39:26 AM PDT by llevrok
Father Ryan has just given one of his best sermons ever. It's a beautiful Irish Spring day, with the sun out and birds singing. After the Mass, Father is on the steps of the church, enjoying God's Spring wealth, when he hears an argument coming from the shrubbery to the side of the church.
As he goes around side, he see two leprechauns fighting it out:
L1: "T'was! (shouts the first) L2: T'was NOT!!! (replies the other) L1: T'was SO! L2: T'was NOT!!!!
Back and forth they go with a punch or two being thrown.
Not wanting to have this beautiful Sunday spoiled, Father breaks up the two.
Father: Boys! Boys! What's all the kafuffle on this most glorious of God's days???? L1: Father? Is there such a thing as a leprechaun nun? Father: Well, lads, I am sorry to say there t'isn't. Is that what you two have been fighting about? L1: Yes, Father. Seen Michael? I told you that you were makin' love to a penguin!!! L2: T'was NOT L1" T'was so!!!!
And on they go......
This stunning Irish blond walks into a casino and proceeds to the roulette wheel.
She takes out some money and places it on the table. She says to the dealers, “I usually have more luck gambling when I am naked” and then takes off all her clothes and puts them on the table.
The wheel is spun and in glee the blond shouts, “I won I won” whereby she takes her winnings and her clothes and off she goes.
The first dealer looks at the seconds and says, “what number was hit?” The second dealer looks back and says, “weren’t you watching?”
Moral of the story:
Not all Irish are drunks
Not all bonds are stupid
But men will be men
The Irish guy replies, "I have a brother in London and another in New York. I pretend that they are here with me."
One day, the Irish guy walks in and orders two pints. The bartender, sensing something is wrong, pours two pints and says, "these two are on the house, I'm sorry for your loss."
The Irish guy looks at the bartender sideways and says, "what do you mean? I gave up alcohol for Lent."
“The Brothel”
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
“Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
“What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Irish Cemetery:
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from
the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led
past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it
says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from
Dublin."
Irish queer: A man who prefers women to whisky.
As in Barry?
LMAO! An Irsih guy giving up alcohol for lent. LMAO!!! Best joke on the thread! Close the phones, we have a winner. ROFL! An Irish guy giving up alcohol! Muahahaha!
Paddy Murphy at his favorite pub when in walks Rev.Sullivan.
They nod, exchange hellos, and Paddy invites him to sit.
The Rev. knowing what true a Green and White Tim, Paddy is, takes a seat somewhat apprehensively.
“Reverend, I got to tell you, I been thinking.”
“And what’s that Paddy me, boy?”
“I been thinking that if I knew I only had a week to live, I’d convert. I’d become a Proddysent.”
The Rev. is taken back, and somewhat please to see Paddy come to his senses.
“Well that’s wonderful, Paddy, bless you. But can you tell me why?”
Paddy finishes his drink, looks him in the eye,”I figure if I had only a week to live it’s better one of you should die than one of us.”
Or two guys names Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
here’s my favorite:
Brenda O’Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ye.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me...”
“Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
“How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda......no.”
“No?”
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
My Fav.sent to me by another Freeper:)
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air
And maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
But he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
As soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
To his wife standing over him, shouting,
“SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
“What makes you say that?”
“The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again.”
Guy says, "Well, I'm powerfully thirsty. I want a bottle of Guinness." Poof, a bottle of Guinness appears in the man's hand. He immediately chugs it down, then watches in amazement as the bottle fills up again.
"It's a magic bottle, master," the genie says proudly. "It will never be empty. Now, what are your other two wishes?"
Guy looks at the bottle and says, "Right, I'll have two more of these."
Paddy had been in the pub all day long, when he finally decided he should head home. He tried three times to stand, but each time his legs gave out on him and he fell to the floor. Finally he gave up, and spent the entire evening crawling down the sidewalk to his house, pulling himself along with his elbows. He managed to get his key in the lock, and then proceeded to crawl up the stairs to his bedroom, his head spinning the entire time. He drug himself up to the side of the bed and fell down next to his wife to sleep it off.
The next afternoon the phone woke him up.
“That was the bartender down at the pub,” his wife told him. “He said you left your wheelchair down there again last night.”
It’s not “Patty”, it’s “Paddy”.
As in “Paddy Wagon”.
Now, back to the jokes.
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
I was way too slow. :(
I happen to know the colleen was a ginger! (I was told later on by someone else, o’ course.)
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