An unofficial weekend (substitute) thread - Feb 9-11 (the dark side?)

A recent "Valentine's" discussion thread turned to flame wars and ended when someone complained to the management. That end is unfortunate because the thread might have provoked some worthwhile discussion. I can't quote the exact question, but the general thought was:

For those who aren't in a meaningful relationship on this Valentine's Day, what are you doing to prepare for that relationship when it comes?

I'm a lonely single, and I realize that the week around Valentine's Day can leave many of us with feelings a little more raw than usual. I realize that for many of us, the first thought is that we're doing nothing to prepare for a relationship because there's no point in preparing for something that is a lost cause. Regardless of whether one believes that a relationship is still a possibility, the question is interesting. For those who don't believe that they will find a relationship, the question changes to:

As you've come to believe that you won't find a long-term romantic relationship, what changes have you made to reflect this new strategy on life?

An example of an answer to the second question might be something like:

I always believed that I would get married and have children, so I always bought cars with four doors and a full back seat. I didn't want to be forced into buying a new car two years into a marriage because a baby was on the way and I needed a vehicle with a back seat. When I realized that I would never marry or have a family, I traded the sedan for a sports car. Maybe the sports car will bring more female attention, but those women are too shallow for the kind of relationship that I envision.

I think intelligent people could have a good discussion around either question. Even those who have largely given up might have some interesting thoughts on what they used to do to prepare for a future relationship or what they would advise young people to do to prepare. I'd like to throw these questions open for discussion.

In hopes of avoiding another flame war, I'd ask that people observe a few courtesies.

As I said previously, this week is not a fun time for some of us. We're a little more defensive than usual. I've often referred to Valentine's Day as "National rub my face in my failures day." For some of us who've reached our late 30's and 40's with little hope of success, retreating into grim jokes about life, romance, or anything else is a helpful release. This thread may not be a "sunshine and flowers" thread, and if a darker discussion is a problem for you, please consider visiting one of the many "happy talk" threads about Valentine's Day.

If your religious beliefs tell you that being single is a great thing, that's fine. I'm happy for you, and I'm happy that we live in a country where you can hold and express those beliefs. As for me, I hate being single. I hate it with all of my heart and all of my mind and all of my being. I hate everyone who ever gave me advice or advocated ideas that led me towards the mistakes that caused me to be single. If you want to express your "single is wonderful even on Valentine's Day" views, that's fine, but I'd really rather see a thread focused around the "how to prepare" or "how to change life strategies" questions. If you believe that being single is wonderful, please respect others' right to express different feelings even if they don't make you feel all sunny and happy.

We may have some bad feelings and express them in hard words, but there's no point in having a "men are horrible/women are horrible" kind of thread. I'm alone because I've failed to build a relationship right now and so are you. My failures are not entirely my fault, and neither are yours. The problem isn't "all men" or "all women." Sometimes, we can find interesting truth in generalizations, but broad accusations rarely produce anything of value.

If you need to vent, vent, but I would like people to steer somewhat towards thoughts around these two questions.

There's nothing in the basic questions that requires anyone to assume that happiness depends on another person. I spoke about my own dislike of singleness in large part because I want this thread to be a place where people who hate being single can express that feeling. I realize that putting these thoughts around the questions can lead to that assumption, but I'd like the discussion to be able to go either way. Yes, I hate being single and will always hate being single. That fact doesn't have to be the focus of the thread.

If you're still willing to bite on these questions, what do you think about the questions themselves? You've been happily monogamous for 21+ years. What did you do before meeting your spouse to prepare yourself for this relationship? What do you wish you had done? What did you do that you wish you hadn't done?

I don't what to raise the hypothetical of your being without your spouse, but can you shift to some other singleness hypothetical? If you were single and came to realize that you weren't likely to find someone, how would that change your strategies?

As an example of the second question, I'll give one of my own changes in strategy. Since realizing that I'm not likely to find someone, I've begun thinking about trying to buy land where I can retire. True bargain land isn't a bad use of money anytime, but I'd like to consider more than just price. If I still believed that I would marry someday, I'd probably hold off on these kinds of purchases. I'd rather have the money available to make this kind of big financial decision an "our" decision with my spouse instead of a "my" decision. However, if I don't believe that I'll find someone, the best path forward may be to look for the land now and buy something if I like it. If I thought that two people would live there someday, I should consider the other person. If I'll be there alone, there's no need to consider another person's desires.

Bill

I like your post, WFTR, thanks. To answer the first question, I am nurturing my own happy life, regardless of whether or not a partner is in the cards, and learning to be of service to others in healthy ways. Although I made a lot of financial/emotional mistakes in my 20's, so far my 30's have been awesome because I paid off my debt (at 29), bought a house (31), develop my professional skills and career, maintained my long-term friendships, became willing to work on painful family relationships, and - learned how to eat very healthy, exercise every day and seek God's will rather than running with my own impulses (which my 20's revealed were not beneficial). So if I do meet someone special, it would be sprinkles on my already sweet life; my happiness is not dependent on another person.

I would like to find a partner to share this life with, but cannot let Valentine's (or holidays or events, etc.) become a downer. I worked at a radio station for a few years and very bitter, wounded people would call in on Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's, Christmas (I'd work the odd shifts, usually late-nite) and it was evident that hanging on to resentments is disastrous to attitude, health and attracting friends or a mate. [my $0.02]

Thanks for your reply and for some good thoughts.

Often "experts" are biggest idiots of all, but one area where they seem to be getting things right is discussion of the need to avoid debt. I didn't want to lead things in that direction too quickly or in a contrived way, but I am glad to see that comment in the early responses. Learning that one must produce more than he/she consumes is one of those basic facts of life that everyone is learning too late these days. Younger people, both adults and minors, today are more technologically advanced than at any time in history, but we seem to have lost this basic wisdom.

For me, fitness has been a problem. When I believed that I would someday find someone, taking good care of myself was pretty easy. As I look at a life alone, I'm less inclined to turn down that unhealthy snack that will make me feel good. I agree that fitness is a good step in preparation either for being single or finding the right partner. If we're making lists, exercise and a reasonable diet should be on both lists.

The family relationships issue is interesting as well. My family has pretty much been down to two generations for several years. Only one great-aunt of my grandparents' generation is still alive, and she's always been too far away to remain in contact. My folks are still alive, but no one of my generation has had any kids yet. (That may change soon, but for now, let's assume that there won't be any little ones.) As I've realized that I'm not likely to be a father, I've thought a bit about trying to build relationships with more distant cousins who might have kids. In part, there are a few family pieces that I wouldn't mind passing down someday to a family member. I'm not good at that kind of relationship-building, but I think it could be a worthwhile part of finding a path forward for people who aren't likely to find a partner.

Bill

You're welcome, Bill. Finances are a big issue in a lot of relationships; I know my own debt was very oppressive and I realized it not only damaged me (my credit report was fugly) but would effect my relationships down the road. I had a lot of shame about it personally and also knew that it would be a turn-off if the tables were turned and I met some cool dude but then found out he was loaded down with debt...

For me, fitness is primarily about my own mental health, secondary for physical health. When I exercise regularly, I feel better not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. It really helps having a young herding dog that MUST be exercised daily (if I want my shoes and throw-pillows to survive!) but it also helps knowing that I have a better mental/emotional perspective when my physical self is in shape. That spirals upward into continued good choices, because I stay aware that the snacks are not my friend (and will not provide the type of comfort I crave). I am grateful to say that I'm waaaaay healthier at 34 than I was at 24, and I hope to be able to say the same at 44, maybe even 54 and 64...

I think it would be good to build relationships w/your distant cousins, nieces and nephews. Not just because you don't have your own kids (yet), but so you don't deprive them of their awesome cousin (= you!), uncle (again, you!) *and* potential date for their hottie single friends that would never get to meet you otherwise. Forgive me if that's obnoxiously optomistic...

Seriously, how do you know you're not happy being single unless you've been married before?

I know that I'm capable of evaluating situations and making judgments about whether they would be an improvement. I think most people have this capability, and I'll give both general and personal examples.

A person can be obese for his/her entire life. He may have never been fit before, but he can still evaluate how he feels, evaluate what medical science has found, evaluate how others have felt, and decide that he'd be better off losing some weight. I'm not saying that weight loss will make his life perfect. The world has plenty of miserable people with great bodies and plenty of happy people who are seriously overweight. The man would still be more likely to be happier if he lost weight.

A person can come from a family where no one has ever had a college degree or a so-called professional job. Just because that person has never been in that situation before doesn't mean that he can't evaluate his current life, evaluate his likely life with a college degree and professional job, and decide that he'd be better off pursuing a professional career path. Again, the world has plenty of miserable people at the tops of their professions and plenty of happy people in humble jobs. That fact doesn't change the fact that any individual can rightly conclude that a degree and better job would make things better.

In my own life, I've found that I'm right much more often than I'm wrong when evaluating changes.

I earned my first master's degree in late 1988 and started my first engineering job in early 1989. For much of my career, I wanted to work as an engineer in a chemical plant or refinery. I had never worked as an engineer in a plant before. I'd visited plants as part of my work as an engineer. I'd been in a plant for a couple of months at a time as an intern/co-op student, but I'd never been in a plant day to day for any long period. Still, I believed that I'd like that work better than I liked being in corporate engineering headquarters, being a consultant, or being an academic.

I didn't get my opportunity until 2002, but when I did get the opportunity, I discovered that I was right. I really do like working in the plant better than working anywhere else in my career. Is it exactly what I expected? No. Is it pretty close? Well yes, it's really fairly close to what I expected and wanted. I learned what I could, made a value judgment, and was right.

As another example, I keep reptiles as pets. I've been interested in reptiles for as long as I can remember. I've wanted them as pets since I was a little kid, but I really didn't know what keeping them entailed. I've begun researching them at various times over the past fifteen years or so. In 2002, I researched pretty heavily and then backed off. In 2005, I researched heavily again and then bought some.

After having them for about a year and a half, I've found that I like them very much. Have things been exactly as I envisioned as I did my research? No, there have been differences. I think that those who write about keeping these animals could explain some things a little more clearly. However, the reality that I'm experiencing is quite close to idea I formed in my head as I read about them. Based on my reading, I've talked myself into considering some species and told myself that I certainly don't want to mess with others. However, they've been the joy that I hoped they'd be.

I know that marriage is bigger than and different from changing one's physical makeup, from changing one's career, or from owning a pet. A relationship would be different in ways that I probably can't imagine, but I see no reason to doubt that I can look at evidence and make good evaluations. I can know that being married would have made me happier than being single has because I can look at the evidence and make good evaluations.

Why wouldn't you trust your judgment enough that your choices would actually delight a lady somewhere down the road?

I realize that everyone is different and that what I like may be very different from what a lady might like. I live in Louisiana where we have no real winter. We'll get a few days in the 20's and maybe a day in the teens every few years. We even get a few snowflakes every few years. I grew up where there were four real seasons. I can remember snow staying in the yard for a month or so at a time back when I was young. I think I'd like to retire to a place where I had four seasons again. Some women around here may never be able to accept that much winter. My dream retirement home might delight her in the summer but be miserable for her after six weeks of snow. If I were in that situation, I would sell the place and look for something else rather than leave her miserable, but selling land after I'd invested myself into that land mentally and emotionally would be tough. That's why I'd be more inclined to wait if I still believed that marriage were likely.

In a way, this question isn't fair to all personalities. It is easier for 'people' people to meet other people. Persons who are bookish or timid don't meet other people as easily. Guess which kind I am?

You are obviously a people person, so you maybe can't imagine looking into the future and seeing a long sting of lonely years ahead. Maybe there would never be a reason for you to prepare for the rest of your life lived alone. For others, that possibility is real. If the question just doesn't apply, then it doesn't apply. I'm not trying to be pushy with it.

Bill

To answer your later questions, I'd have to say making plans with friends and hanging out with my dog and two cats are how I handle the holidays, Valentine's day, etc. I've spent depressing, bummer holidays alone in the past and basically learned that I had to anticipate and make plans so that I'm not alone and super-lonely. While I can't say I "hate" being single, I also become painfully aware of it sometimes but have learned that I don't have to isolate and be bummed (hanging out with my own bummed-out self has never proven to enhance the loneliness!); I can make plans with friends or babysit or invite other single friends over, etc.

I actually didn't think to ask about strategies for dealing with the holidays as a single person without a current prospect, but the question is worthwhile. Your answer is good as well.

I've not had much luck making big plans, and I've often had better success going the other direction. I tell myself that the day isn't going to be special; I'm going to hurt a little bit because I'm spending the day alone; I can't expect to make the most of that day of my life. Lowering my expectations this way sometimes makes me better prepared for whatever I encounter, and if I'm prepared, I can sometimes still find something worthwhile. Even if I do little more than take a walk and watch a few hours of a "Law and Order Marathon," I've done better than if I'd just sat in bed staring at the four walls.

Bill

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