The ***OFFICIAL*** Weekend Singles' Thread -- Dear Abby/Dolly (June 2-4, 2006)

DollyCali & all the SUPER singles at FR | June 2, 2006 | Dear Abby/Dolly

[DollyCali]

Welcome
to
Counseling

Dear Abby/Dolly will be a 3-4 times a year part of our Weekend singles Thread. Questions will come from YOU. Answers will come from Me… and you on the thread. Please kick in with your thoughts, disagreements, and personal stories. We can learn from each other.. And now.. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Whew.. There are a boat load of questions & “situations” here which I will try to address.

Good mental health involves being comfortable in one’s skin (even if it is less than perfect, ugly, repulsive, fat, skinny, deformed). Take a look at drop dead BEAUTIFUL models & actresses who just think the very same thing you do. Also take a look at some very unattractive people in life who are successful & very happily married. .

Low self esteem can be very complex. The REAL you.. is what real attraction SHOULD be about. Everything you mentioned you don’t like, COULD be changed and improved upon perhaps. (I wouldn’t recommend MAJOR efforts here initially). I would recommend changing how you look at these things. Easier said than done. There are self esteem support groups that are free & beneficial if you REALLY make a goal of working at it.

Unfortunately our society & media & advertising has sold us a bill of goods about what “attractive” is.. We all unfortunately buy into it. Playboy. - People - Cosmo magazines do well don’t they? A magazine featuring below average or UGLY people would NOT do as well. .

A person who will reject you for these things will NOT be a good partner. Sometimes that is the beauty of the NOW Internet. It often affords people, weeks, months and longer to get acquainted & know, like & yes, LOVE the person.. before seeing the body, hair, face etc.. Youth & maturity don’t always go hand in hand. So many first relationships & marriages fail because people are attracted for the wrong reasons! Think of all the high school cheerleaders & football players along the way. .

I am guilty of being attracted to attractive also.. I truly don’t know of anyone who has a goal to find the homeliest partner possible do you? But men I have cared deeply about(yes even loved) and truly respected are usually NOT the lookers in life. Men & women both who are overly attractive sometimes have different baggage. It is a toss up. .

Now what can you do along the way (in addition to the support group)? EXERCISE & EAT PROPERLY.. that might help get your body slimmer, firmer, shapelier. Swimming & heavy duty hiking are two ways to accomplish this but have the ADDED dimension that they give you “process time”. When one works out (I call it play) you kick in a set of chemicals that help you look at things more objectively. You also work off stress & tensions in life. .

Have your hair analyzed by a pro. If $$ are limited go to the nearest beauty college(much reduced rates),They use advanced students but ALWAYS under the guidance of long term pros. Some flattering cutting & highlights will give you a lift. .

SMILE.. I have found that often when I see someone with a BIG smile, I forget what they look like.. I remember them as happy-- not ugly/pretty. Don’t notice their skin color or race even at much. Know what I mean? .

Sometimes folks with low self esteem, tend to scowl & be dour in presentation. Talk about UGLY! Keep in mind that your self image will be self fulfilling in the persona you imagine.. The energy will be transferred. Confidence glows (and too much stinks BTW) .

Now the last point for discussion here is the toughest & only you can reflect & perhaps fix. Are YOU on purpose NOT doing all you can in a self sabotage effort (subconscious of course). ? Fear of intimacy will manifest itself in many ways. Outward hostility, indifference toward people who “come on “ to you & the physical” letting one self “go” (gain weight, let hair become unkempt, poor hygiene, crummy dress). This is a very common situation is married couples. To avoid sexual contact they do this. Men in early stages of prostate problems have a fear of intimacy not wanting to be embarrassed if they can’t perform & some women are playing back “old tapes” from before they can even consciously recall.. about All MEN are animals.. just want one thing!”.. It happens very subtly. The bottom line is that all this is NOT done consciously.

See previous question/answer in part. . I guess I would ask the reason for considering doing this? Again is it to fit a mold/image of beauty/youth? To attract someone special you have your eye on? Robert Redford & many other stars have said “NO” to these things.. but look at Elizabeth Taylor.. does she look 74? Are you just not happy again – IN YOUR SKIN?

This is a very personal & important question. For some folks correcting a “hideous” nose, getting those Dumbo ears flat, or taking care of some major “flaw” as they perceive it, removing scars from burning… and it can be a major improvement not only physically, but emotionally & mentally. It. makes all the difference in the way as to how they perceive themselves & thus the image they project.

Again you will project what your self image is. Very few people will like or be attracted to a person who does not like themselves. I don’t fault folks who can afford the procedures & aren’t compulsive regarding the appearance.

I have a family member who gets cosmetic procedures done several times a year. She is fanatic about youth. Her husband is VERY handsome & I think she is really afraid of losing him. She isn’t the smartest cookie in the jar & so I suppose she feels this is essential. I think the money would be better spent taking some enrichment classes at a junior college.. but that is just ME.

Fidelity is a choice. It is a harder choice for some than others. There are reasons why people can & cannot easily be faithful. OLD TAPES is one consideration. Children whose parents had infidelity in the past might NOT like that fact.. but they will often adopt that subconscious value. .. ala.. well, dad is /was a good guy, even though. Etc.

A moral grounding & religious set of values will determine how one will adjust. The Judeo-Christian Ethic of Monogamy profoundly affects & guides many in life.. BUT, alas ones who REJECT God & Religion will not have that value structure as boundaries. .

The definition of what you think “happy” is. You may have again (old tapes) seen your parents or other adults in less than happy “committed” situations & again subconsciously said.. woe, not for me. .

A committed relationship / for better or for worse is VERY hard work. If one is selfish along the way..IT WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT. .

A Happy Couple & Being Selfish do NOT GO TOGETHER.

Maturity & learning what you REALLY want is important. If sharing life & its goals & dreams with a partner is appealing to a person, they will have an easier time.. Having Children & growing old with a loving partner is an ideal that is hard to accomplish for the self centered individual. If your parents made you think the world revolved around you, you will expect your partner to be the same. You must get LOTS of attention & need & demand it. .

Very few women will do this after the intial “flurry of courtship” & thus men will see more women to give them the emotional & mental strokes they need. Normally early in a relationship on will have the other party be the “center”. In time that changes.. that is often the time the man realizes “gee, I just can’t be happy with just this ONE woman” .

Get it?. .

The playboy, non-committed, take & don’t reciprocate mentality is presented as attractive but basically the people I have known & read about are quite lonely. They are busy & social but that does not mean they are NOT lonely. .

You can be in a room or party with dozens of people & be very alone and yes VERY lonely. .

My suggestion is for you to deeply analyze your core values. .The fact that you are questioning indicates a good thing. This is what Mid-Life is all about. Most people just ooze into adult hood adopting the religious, social, ethical & moral values of their family/parents. That MAY or may NOT be good. Midlife is when you examine all of this & either except it as your own, modify it Or reject it totally. What you then CHOSE is the new you & you are now authentic. You may in fact draw back to most of values of the family of origin. A crisis doesn’t always happen. Ideally this will happen in your mid 30s. Some go to their grave never doing this.. they are always a bit “stirred up in their soul” and aren’t sure why. Part of them feels guilty to question the family values & structure.. (mom’s guilt 101?) .

I think you need to restate your question.. Why do I choose women who are deceitful? Or gossip? .

Many women could write the same question, no doubt. .

I basically don’t think women lie anymore than I think men do. Some do, some don’t. People lie basically for different reasons.. one reason is..when they have low self esteem & they try to portray that they are “better”, have done more, know important people.. etc. .

People often lie for attention.. they become victims, have pity parties, .

Again being comfortable with who you are & in your skin as I like to say. .

Try to find people with good self esteem.. DON’T get involved romantically too quickly with someone before you know them well. Men & women both make the mistake of going hot & heavy in the physical relationship (love those hormones) before they know very much about the person. .

Some will lie to cover up something embarrassing from their past. . On a first meeting or date we normally don’t sit down & put the worse possible foot forward & drag out all the dirty laundry. As you get acquainted you then often don’t want to muddy the water.. Ah, the sins of omission in relationships huh?

We all need to strive to be honest about who we are, our shortcomings & find people who will accept who we are. . I love reading FReeper Profiles. Some in their profile mention they have been in jail /prison. How refreshing. HONESTY that is embarrassing. It is very important that you share pertinent info on medical problems that will affect your life. Do you have AIDS, Herpes, diabetes, MS.. ??? None of these have to be relationship killers, but it is so good to early on find out if you are loved & accepted for the real you. Bad news as well as good news.

I have found two areas where men try to impress (and I am sure women do this also). They find out your interests etc & show you how good they are at the skill etc. I have a background in theology & also am a REAL outdoorsy person. It takes about 10 minutes in the woods to know if I am with someone who has been honest or not. I don’t reject the person if they are not a mountain goat.. but certain things cannot be fudged. Also getting into religious discussions.. well, wont belabor.. but DON’T pretend you are something you aren’t. Unless the person you are dealing with has the IQ of a slinky, they will find you out very quickly. .

In my experience people, men & women, who gossip are those needing attention. By giving you “juicy tidbits” they are in their minds vital & important in what they are stating. In some respects they will gossip(some truth some maybe not) to make themselves look good/better. By telling all the bad things about John Doe, don’t I look better to you???? People who gossip or tell “tall tales” often have parents who are the same. It is hard work to overcome this.

Even though this is directed at understanding the other person, take it to heart & examine if this might apply to you? Tall tales & Gossip are not good couple strengthening material. .

. Well, I am not sure I saw a question there but maybe a statement & sigh????

So I will share some misc. thoughts on the topic. So many share the struggle with parents.

Part of this maybe means they did their job well? Give em roots BUT give em wings etc? . Part of their mentality MIGHT just be to keep you crazy so you don’t desire to live with them until you are 40?

Okay, now to look a bit more deeply & seriously.

There are two sad situations.(1) Kids(of any age..- kids can be 60 & parents 80) who strongly dislike each other – don’t speak, have heated regular disagreements… and the second scenario,,,(2) kids/parents who can’t cut the umbilical cord. Mommy’s boy? Parents NEEDING kids to be their best friends. Bad boundaries make for bad parenting. Period.

Good mental health in the parents will HELP insure good mental health on the part of the kids. If the parents are paddling with just one oar in the lake. Chances are the kids might also.

Needy dependent parents will raise kids that are the same. Selfish parents will raise kids that often feel rejected. Parents who feel they “missed out on life” because of you will often reflect it in their relation to you. Were you born out of wedlock, were you the last child (when they thought they were done 10 years prior), were they very poor ? Was their marriage rocky? Is dad not married to your mom? Not good reasons for rejecting a child, but reasons.

Just because they are your parents does NOT mean they are more mature, giving & nurturing than you are.

One thing you must look at carefully. Often children(again any age) with parents they don’t get along with.. Subconsciously are always trying to please them..(the co-dependent kicking in), When they try to be cordial & tell of the things they do to please them, they are again disappointed to be kicked in the face.

Some parents will never be pleased by what you do, who you marry, the amount of money you make, the clothes you wear, the way you cook – and alas, the air you breath. There simply is NO pleasing them..

Other parents can sire Jack the Ripper & you would think he is ready for sainthood. Taint fair for sure!

Once you leave the nest, you have the option to be with who fulfills your life. It may or may not include parents or any relative,. Some chose locales to live quite far away for that reason.

Part of the midlife process is the analyzing of parents & your relation to them. This is often when repressed events of child/sexual abuse manifest. What you need to understand is WHY you feel the way you do towards your parents. Many parents have a very difficult time letting go of their children. This is especially true of moms.. the nurturing instinct is strong on the X chromosome .(that is why so many get & bond tightly with dogs/cats when they are empty nesters). A parent who can develop healthy boundaries with their children is a gift.. a treasure. Being there when wanted but in general MYOB mentality.

Some fathers are very controlling & critical of their sons.. scars that can last a lifetime are the gifts from dad. Some mom’s are very jealous of their daughters & the relationship they have with their dads(and THEIR hubbys).. that can be a life long struggle.

It is important to realize that so much we do & experience is subconscious. I truly believe there are few if any parents who want to be BAD parents. We each enter parenthood with the “teaching” from our own parents.. (HORRORS). We swear we will never be like mom/dad or do or say the things they do.. but alas, one day you look in the mirror of life &: realize that mom &/or dad falls out of your mouth & life.

For those with hostile & estranged parental relations, family get-togethers can be nightmares.. I always feel for those who are in these difficult situations.

But each situation is different & the best guideline is to be cordial, return hate with smiles, bad statements with warm ones. Disarm them. You won’t change them. You will NOT feel good about yourself or the situation by “telling them off”.

Sometimes permanent separations are necessary. Tragic but one cannot let their life & that of their spouse/kids be in turmoil over parents who are ornery. Respecting ones parents does NOT permit them to abuse you. Just be careful to make sure what is what.

This was a difficult question in many ways. One wants to love & bond with their parents. Some parents just make it doggone hard, don’t they?

YOUR TURN

[snugs]

The first one I think it is because we are brained washed by the media and then pressured by our peers to live life "to the full" so the idea of living on the edge and exposed to danger excites. And that unless we have experienced these sort of things we cannot possibly have lived or be complete person. Utter rubbish in my opinion

The above is another reason why many people believe unless they have had many partners and experiences they will be unable to settle down and be happy with one person because they will not have the relevant experience that they need to do so. Again IMHO this is ridiculous and very often the happiest people are those who met their partner early; grew together and have remained faithful to that partner. I also suspect that they have the most fulfilling and rewarding marriages in all respects despite the popular conception that unless you have experimented with multiple partners this cannot be possible.

And your second question I think is answered by the above, people including christians have been sucked into modern thinking and brained washed into wanting to conform.

[snugs]

God Bless you in caring for your grandmother I know it is hard both my paternal grandmother and my mother had the disease.

My mother nursed by grandmother at home and we did with my mother until it was impossible to keep her at home with dad's health and my job.

We found the best care home we could and visited her virtually daily.

Like you I have never married and now am a part time care giver to my father as well as working full time.

It can be hard at times but rewarding as well.

[DollyCali]

How did you get that pix of Proud Yank???

[Ladysmith]

OMG, that's hilarious!! LOL!!!

[Ladysmith]

Woohoo!! TOYS!!

[DollyCali]

My thoughts:

Question Number One why women chose brutes

One needs to look at the basic underlying (subconscious) draw for females & males

the draw for males is sexual & for a woman to give "good/attractive" offspring. For women it is to look for protector & provider (the gatherer/hunter in primitive cultures). This of course is modified by the wonderful liberal education our young people get in public schools. The mind & personality of each will modify the further qualifications.

Women pick brutes & bullies because they feel they will be protected by them. The don't imagine it will turn on them. These men are normally aggressive & women's mentality is that will carry through in work & provide them with a good income. Assertive people are often considered as successful for their "drive"

Women don't look for abusers -- in general. BUT some gals who were physically/sexually abused by their fathers or other other "close" men will find themselves drawn to this. The reasons I have read are varied & in my opinion inconclusive. the percentage of women who were abused who marry abusive men is very high (abuse can be emotional, mental, physical & or sexual & /or any combination)

Question #2

People are often in the "search" that I spoke about in defining midlife. When you do that you often question, challenge & go against your earlier upbringing(that is why the guy takes off with his 30 year younger secy & buys a red convertible)

Others like to pick & chose their religious boundaries.They do NOT like or go for absolutes.. They can generally be strong in their faith walk but socially be liberal. (to me that doesn't gel)

I have worked with a LOT of men who profess to be Christians but still think sex w/o marriage is acceptable; porn is okay (if it doesn't hurt anyone; and abortion might be okay.

These are situational ethics people

Commitment comes in degrees, unfortunately. It would be nice to think it is black & white for everyone. It should be . committed to God or committed to your life partner. but then again folks like to come in & pick & chose what or when they will honor the boundaries etc.

Others? add your ideas.

[trussell]

tv themes ~ under dog

[trussell]

[trussell]

[trussell]

[trussell]

[WFTR]

My kayaks are also pretty roomy for legs & hauling stuff.. Swifty & Otter

I think I'm over the weight limit for both of those boats. I'm looking at getting the Pungo 140.

[AFPhys]

Hoot Hoot... I was really looking for your answer to #136...

I'll chime in about 237, too... from the guy viewpoint:

I am convinced that the major line of reasoning about the morality issue for Christians is that they have convinced themselves that Satan is a construct, Hell is not that bad, and that even so, God is so "Good" that He will never condemn them to the fiery furnace.

Wrong'oh, moose breath. God has not changed from being the God of the Old Testament, and is still Just. That being the case, He must carry out the full measure of punishment for sin - the salvation provided by Jesus' death was not a "blank check" to continue to sin, and when we do so with impunity and total consciousness of that sin after supposedly accepting His gift, it belies that we have been really honest about asking forgiveness. The Good and Merciful and Perfectly Just God of Love sees the true intent in the depths of our teeny mind, and will not allow the unjustified to draw near to Him after this life.

People don't believe in the reality of this, and in general, consider their own sins to be "small" ones anyway - but they are not the proper Judge of that.

I strongly believe that many people are going to be enormously surprised when they find how much they have hurt God, but He surely has not hid that message from them.

Regardless, I am convinced that the major line of reasoning about the morality issue for Christians is that they have convinced themselves that Satan is a construct, Hell is not that bad, and that they will not end up there.

[AFPhys]

On another tack: but the same question -

The young have stopped honoring the wisdom of our elders. If one were to poll people about "sex without marriage" and their reasoning, I suspect that there would be a very high correlation of 'NO' with age. The older I've gotten, the more and more I appreciate the wisdom of "Thou shalt not commit adultery" for completely secular and psychological reasons. I certainly didn't understand it when I was younger, but at least I (mostly) accepted the restriction.

Nowadays, I would (hopefully) be very likely to exit situations of danger in that respect, though I certainly can find myself with improper thinking at times. Certainly, too, I'll never minimize how wrong it is when I am speaking with others and giving them advice, as I've been able to on occasion.

The entanglements sex without marriage leads to are just so devastating, but they are hard to appreciate when you are horny, and combined with breaking down our appreciation of the moral aspect of the restriction makes it tough for people to appreciate their elder's advice on this, including God's.

[AFPhys]

Ah! I thought that picture looked familiar!

That's me standing there over on Luna Island! I'm the one with the blue hat grabbing my daughter (she was 5 then) who was trying to scramble over the railing!

[DollyCali]

Wow! Look who is here! Been missing you around & about. Will try to email you late tonight or tomorrow.

and GOOD THOUGHTS BTW.

how is upper NY weather? Been rainy here. I am trying to get in my garden between rain today. A light drizzle is okay to work in but the heavy stuff .. well, you know

[DollyCali]

And how is she doing? I never heard back from you on the Gipper photos. am still willing to do a collage for her. I could send you the BIG file data wise & you could print it on glossy for her & frame it as a gift. Maybe even have it done at a photo shop

[DollyCali]

I'll look that one up later Bill. I like these two kayaks I have as they are each under 35# & can fit in my van easily. I love the squirrley white water ones. But they are not good to have your newbie friends try out, now are they? And oh, some of the sea kayaks are to die for.. but some of the costs are just out of the question for me at this point

[DollyCali]

Thanks for the great camouflage art Trussell! Nice to see you!

The one reminds me of Bev Dolittle's work (maybe it is hers) she is the artist of camouflage..

I have a list of "affordable"(well compared to the moan Lisa) artwork & hers is high on the list

http://www.bnr-art.com/doolitt/

[DollyCali]

My husband forgets to treat me like I am his girlfriend. Any suggestions?

Kate, I think men like to be told some things. We women are notorious for expecting men to be mind readers & being angry when they aren't. I am in this category also.

I think although women complain about lack of communication from men, they often don't communicate critical things.

Once a week, I feel it is nice to poor coffee, wine, whatever sit down for a "what's on your mind" discussion.

Don't nit pick . But the rest of the week we don't nag, pick at things. Save it for one session. It is NOT a fault finding session as much as "what can we do to addstrength our love & our marriage/relationship.

TELL HIM YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED IN A CERTAIN WAY & WHY. Try to put it in a positive .. NOT A "YOU DONT DO THIS, You NEVER do this..

"Joe, I love it when you treat me like when we first dated .. etc".

Men stop because they don't think it is important. Men & women both can easily take each other for granted. Men & women work from different perspectives & different experiences. What is good for one female is NOT good for another & vice versa w/men.

(AF, thanks for heads up, I MISSED THIS PING!)