Tell Your Old Jokes

No idea | Dunno

[Number57]

Me first...

[Number57]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?

[Number57]

lol...

[Choose Ye This Day]

Who says blondes are dumb? That's a good one.

[Number57]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Cobra64]

[Cobra64]

If y'all blink while looking at the picture from a distance, it's easier to read.

[Number57]

What does that say????

/thppbbth

[Smokin' Joe]

Jesus and the Democrat


A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.



The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to
give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."



The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's
about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once
more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of
beer. "On my bill," he said.



As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
out the door.



Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and
yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability. "

[Number57]

LMFAO... gotta save that one

[Smokin' Joe]

WHat is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance...

[Clemenza]

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this some kind of joke?"

[Clemenza]

You realize you are an alcoholic when you repeat yourself.

You realize you are an alcoholic when you repeat yourself.

[Number57]

WARNING... this joke may offend all of you. Don't highlight the text if you don't want to read it...

Start: Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied,
"Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

[TheLion]

A guy walks into a bar in a southern town during summer. It is full of flies. He says to the bartender "give me a few drinks and I'll get rid of every fly in the joint"....the bartender sets him up and after a few drinks, he gets up and walks to the door and says "send them out one at a time".

[BreitbartSentMe]

When is a door not a door???

When it's ajar.

---

Why does it take 6 women with PMS to change a lightbulb???

IT JUST DOES, DAMMIT!!!!!!

[Number57]

I've done that before

/rimshot

[Nateman]

Three boys see Hillary Clinton drowning and pull her to safety. As a reward she promises to give each of them something in return. The first boy says "I want a bike!" "
"Done!" says Hillary
The second boy asks for a portable cd player.
"OK" says Hillary.
The third boy asks for a powered wheel chair with a built in lap top computer.
"I can understand the laptop" says Hillary "but you are in good health , why the wheelchair?"
"Because after my dad finds out I saved you, I gonna need it!

[Number57]

Another offensive joke:

Start: A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father" He goes to his dad in the living room and says Look dad, I'm a white boy. His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother. The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says Look granny, I'm a white boy. His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you black people."

[Dinsdale]

A {ethnic} guy a {different ethnic} guy and a {third ethnic} guy are walking along the beach when they find a brass lantern.

They rub it and out comes a Jinni.

He grants them each a wish.

The {first ethnic} guy gos first and ask 'I want me and all my {ethnic} brothers and sisters to be back in {ethnic homeland} prospering.' Bling. The {ethnic} guy is gone.

The {second ethnic} gos next and asks 'I want me and all my {ethnic} brothers and sisters to be back in {second ethnic homeland} prospering.' Bling. The {second ethnic} guy is gone.

The {third ethnic} guy looks to his left then his right and says 'I'll just have a coke'

[skr]

Good 'un!