"What're you gonna do, bleed on me?"
Posted on 02/18/2005 10:27:37 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE.......
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
No. But I have heard about the dyslexic insomniac who stayed awake all night wondering whether there really is a Dog.
What if someone slammed a stolen concrete-mixer into an Interstate overpass while returning from a Friday morning beer run? Is it a slam dunk that the guy is someone you would just have to hang out with?
Yay! Is it back? I can't get the site to come up now, and it's been down for the longest...
"What're you gonna do, bleed on me?"
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.
I don't think I saw the memo about this.
Owl_Eagle
"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in. I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)
Those are freakin' classic!!!
Do you have a ping list and if so, could you add me to it please!?
Cheers!
He doesn't have to be homosexual, but he does have to be gay... in the original intent of the word...i.e. Happy! It also depends on the region you live in. For instance, where I live we use the word "critters" often to convey "any fawna", from bacteria to rats and eventually leading to leftists. But I bet they don't use the word critters at UC Davis or Berkeley.
If someone pays $4 for a cup of coffee, is it a slam dunk they're an idiot?
Stop this thread immediately! It's silly.
Owl_Eagle
"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in. I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)
These are not the 'droids you are looking for!"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show up naked,
Bring food.
Did he pay for his *goodies* with a $20 a $10 and four $3's?
(Quoting from Monty Python skits has become tiresome. . . harumph!)
Here!!
http://i.a.cnn.net/si/features/2005_swimsuit/models/images/05_underwater_07.jpg
Did you hear that Jeffrey Dahlmer had his mother over to his apartment? They were eating lunch and she said "You know, Jeff, I really don't like your friends."
And he replied:
"Then just eat the vegetables."
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