Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Posted on 06/11/2004 11:34:12 AM PDT by Just another Joe
Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...
I forgot to post the joke with my prev post. Bear with me.
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Illinois mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The Minnesota mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Michigan mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Michigan mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Minnesota mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The Minnesota and Michigan mouse then turn to the Iowa mouse. The Iowa mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two,
"I don't have time for this crap, gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
Cute jokes-by the way, "Black Dog" is one of my favorite Led
Zeppelin songs from WAY back, so crank it up loud...
I don't think so......this particular one is located in St. Catherine's, although I do have a problem with one in Vancouver.
and the one in Vancouver has actually written an anti-smoker book............
I like Gauloises because they remind me of a tiny cigar. And I ordered them directly from Switzerland: one carton for $15 and change, delivered. Nice.
Of course, it also takes me a year to smoke a carton, as I only smoke them for the flavor. (Honest)
Those are terrific!!!!!!
Here's a question for all you smokers:
Is there some trick to smoking unfiltered cigarettes? I always end up with a mouth full of tobacco bits and a soggy wrapper. Am I just too juicy or is there something I'm missing?
Nobody else has hit the jukebox yet, so I'm going back again.
Amazing Grace, Ray Charles
Rock the Casbah, The Clash
Mexican Radio, Wall of Voodoo
Inagadadavida, Iron Butterfly
Helter Skelter, The Beatles
Lunch, Coiler
Fat Chicks, Madman
Eskimomalt, Mexican Power Authority
Love For Life, Iggy Pop
Psycho Killer, Talking Heads
Dirty Deeds, AC/DC
That ought to do it for now.
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is bigger than the barbecue!"
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yep, I was right...your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The wife chose to ignore the husband.
Later that night in bed the man was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?!"
Your stalker has definately gone 'round the bend and over the edge-he sounds downright certifiable-good thing he lives far away...
Could I please have one more Miller Lite before I have to go light the grill for supper, pretty please? Thank you...
I'm glad you liked it!
Here's one for my fellow Canucks
This little old lady calls 911.
When the operator answers she yells "Help! Please send the police to my house right away. There's a damn NDPer on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn NDPer on my front porch playing with himself, he's weird. I don't know him, and I'm afraid! Please send the police," the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a NDPer?" asked the operator.
"Because, you damn fool, if he was a Liberal, he'd be screwing somebody else!"
Cool! Could you please play "Dirty Deeds", "Rockin' the Casbah" and "Inagadadavida" first? Even the classic station here never plays any Iron Butterfly unless you innundate them with phone calls from noon to 1:00 PM.
OMG!
I am LOL!
That's terrific.
Wow! I didn't even see that jukebox. You'll have to forgive me. I just wandered in here from the Canteen.
Let's Dance, Benny Goodman
Siam, Spike Jones
Baby It's Cold Outside, Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting
Don't Be That Way, Benny Goodman
I'll Be Seeing You, Tommy Dorsey
Bei Mir Bist Du Schon, Andrew Sisters
We'll Meet Again, Peggy Lee with Benny Goodman
When I'm smoking rag-ends, I try to keep my lips as dry as possible. That keeps the paper fairly dry. I also only smoke them outside, as there is no way NOT to get tobacco out the end unless you squeeze it out and install a rolled posterboard (rolling paper pack) "filter".
Another snicker.
One day, an employee sent this letter to his boss to increase his salary:
Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$, the worker$, who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, he received this reply from his boss:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw, the newspapers are saying that the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember Presidential elections, things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
The Manager
I don't know any of those other songs, but my mom and dad loved "I'll Be Seeing You", and I remember the hostess of some variety show always closed with it-I knew all the words by the time I was able to sing coherently...
I believe the guy is certifiable..........and I actually do have his real name and address......
Nice choices! To them I'll add:
A Swingin' Safari, Burt Kaemfert's Orchestra
Pennsylvania 6-5 Thousand, Glenn Miller
Stairway to the Stars, as above
Metal Gods, Judas Priest
Mr. Saturday Night Special, Lynyrd Skynrd
Apostrophe, Frank Zappa
Sorry about the all caps:
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING ON HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE, AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.
THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN,AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT A DAY IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE THINKING,
"THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."
NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKE WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE".
BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING IN THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ,
"YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."
I'll be seeing you
in all the old familiar places
that this heart of mine embraces
all day through
In that small café
the park across the way
the children's carousel
the chestnut trees, the wishing well
I'll be seeing you
in every lovely summer's day
in every thing that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun
and when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.
Bwaaaa haaaa! Good joke!
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