Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Posted on 06/11/2004 11:34:12 AM PDT by Just another Joe
Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...
Thanks for the reminder of that lovely song.
Now you made me cry for the umpteenth time today...........
He sounds like he has had too much koolaide and his tinfoil hat is too tight...
That song gives me chills every time I hear it, and I've heard it thousands of times. I typed the lyrics from memory.
It is the mournful and bittersweet song of parting for boys shipping out for WWII and the gals they left behind.
You're correct on both counts!!!!!!!!
I must admit I'm on the weepy side today.
Hubby and I were out this afternoon for our normal Friday afternoon "date time." We were playing trivia and drinking a couple of beers.......ont of the TV's in the place is permanently on CBS in the afternoon for the girls who work there to see their soap operas. I totally lost it sitting at the bar when Nancy Reagan got to the top of the stairs and she turned and waved to the crowd at the door of the plane. CBS had a picture in the upper left corner of President and Mrs. Reagan doing the same thing.......I think it was the last time he got on Air Force One after GHWBush's inauguration.
Joe, might I get another round here? One bourbon, one scotch and one beer. Matter of fact, that's what I'm about to plug into the jukebox now. Lonesome George rocks!
T-5, for you!
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
Mmmm hmmm. Me too this week.
It's understandable.
I think that every conservative on earth has been deeply affected by the death of Reagan, and touched by the profoundly obvious love shown by Nancy and the kids.
I was working when RR passed on. I didn't log on here until after 4 that afternoon, after taking the dogs for a stroll. That was the first I heard about our loss, though on the way to work I heard he was ailing. I too have been a little bit easy to tear up this week.
That's enough maudlinism. Time for another smile|!
Birth Control Dilemma
A man visited the local clinic and filled out a form requesting an operation to make him sterile.
Under the heading for Reason Requesting The Procedure he wrote:
My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
Then a doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
Next a lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
When I asked the pharmacist about condoms, he was kind enough to demonstrate them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
Our neighbor, a nurse suggested we try the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
Then the sister-in-law told the wife about the Dutch cap and it seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and hell it worked cuz I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that just talking about sex is going to be any substitute for the real thing.
Another one, just for you!
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly,
also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of
the evening persuading him to come work for him as
his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they
were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll
catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered
the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the
general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the
bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK,
sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Guy's watching tv when the doorbell rings, and when he answers it there's a snail...a snail he's known since way back.
Snail say "Hey Joe! What's up? I was just in the neighborhood and..."
Without saying a word, guy picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Slams the door and goes back to watching tv.
A couple years go by and the guy has a knock at his door. He goes and answers it and it's the snail again:
Snail says "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"
Oh good grief!!!!!!
Now that's funny!
One back atcha:
1. A family is enjoying a day at the circus when the young boy
points at the elephant. He says, "Mom whats that long thing
on the elephant?"
She says, "That's his trunk."
He replies, "No mom, behind the trunk."
She says, "Well that's his tail."
Frustrated, he says, "No mom, I know what the trunk and tail
look like but it's in front of his tail."
She says, "Oh that's nothing."
He turns to the father and says, "Hey dad what's the long thing
on the elephant not his trunk or his tail?"
The father says, "Well that's the elephant's penis, son."
Puzzled the boy looks up at his father and says, "Well why'd
mom say it was nothing?"
The father puffs his chest out and says, "Well son, I spoil
that woman!"
Hey, c'mon now. You laughed... ;O)
This is off-color, but not too bad (Redd Foxx from way back):
Boy goes to his daddy and says "I saw sister naked. What's that, uh, between her legs."
Daddy thinks fast and says "Well, that's where your sister fell on an ax and got cut."
Boy says, "Well then Mama musta fallen on a Wilkinson sword!"
After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the Limo (and he doesn't
travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And
what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating
the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The
Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the
Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said
the cop. Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop:" Bigger."
Chief:" Governor?"
Cop:" Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:" What makes you think it's God?"
Cop:" He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys night out .
Being assaulted by your wife with a broom......and asking:
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
Joe, aren't you back yet? I'll give you another joke then. Just because I can!
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations."
"Why did (the applicant) go to college? His reply: "To party and socialize."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn '$25 an hour and not a nickel less.'"
"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later."
"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."
"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work, but insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear."
"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position,
although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."
"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."
"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume ... and two people."
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