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Scandal: Historians Determine All Of George Washington’s Orders Were Signed By Auto-Feather
Babylon Bee ^ | 06/01/2025 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 06/01/2025 12:18:28 PM PDT by DFG

MT. VERNON, VA — In a massive scandal upending centuries of historical beliefs, researchers have discovered that George Washington signed the vast majority of his orders with an auto-feather device.

"After careful study and research of early American history, we've discovered a device called the 'Auto-Feather' that George Washington used to sign pretty much every one of his presidential orders," historian Fineas T. Barlow told the press. "We have even learned he used the auto-feather device to issue military orders and even to sign letters to his wife."

Historians discovered the auto-feather while looking through an old storage cupboard in Mt. Vernon. They then found countless numbers of documents Washington is thought to have signed with the device, including a few dubious pardons he made on his way out of office for family members and close friends. Experts are now calling into question the legal validity of those pardons.

"Washington signed the pardon for his son Hunterias Washington using the auto-feather, which may have been invalid," Barlow said. "If that's the case, Hunterias's corpse may be exhumed and charged with a litany of felonies. To be honest, I kind of want to see that."

At publishing time, experts had also discovered that Washington stored a large number of boxes of classified documents in his carriage house next to his vintage red buggy.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: alexthompson; autofeather; autopen; autoquill; babylonbee; dementia; georgewashington; godsgravesglyphs; hunterbiden; jaketapper; jillbiden; originalsin; pages; satire; thegeneral; therevolution

1 posted on 06/01/2025 12:18:28 PM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

Gotta love the 🐝


2 posted on 06/01/2025 12:21:09 PM PDT by AFreeBird
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To: AFreeBird

Indeed MSM offended most for taking their line of work.


3 posted on 06/01/2025 12:25:31 PM PDT by Vaduz
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To: DFG

I’ve heard King Tut’s handlers had an auto-chisel. This goes deeper than we know.


4 posted on 06/01/2025 12:27:09 PM PDT by A_perfect_lady (The greatest wealth is to live content with little. -Plato)
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To: DFG

Pretty funny.

In Jules Verne’s 1863 novel Paris in the Twentieth Century” ( “Paris au XXe siècle” he had a “facsimile telegraph” (as Verne called it) allowing for the transmission of images across distances. Someone could write and impulses sent out would allow a machine’s pen to duplicate the motions in the other location.


5 posted on 06/01/2025 12:52:37 PM PDT by frank ballenger (There's a battle outside and it's raging. It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls. )
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To: DFG

That made me really LOL....


6 posted on 06/01/2025 1:10:02 PM PDT by Sacajaweau
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To: DFG

😆That picture of George Washington sitting there with the contraption and the quill pen!


7 posted on 06/01/2025 1:11:36 PM PDT by FrdmLvr
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To: A_perfect_lady

🤣


8 posted on 06/01/2025 1:12:25 PM PDT by FrdmLvr
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To: DFG

Auto quill


9 posted on 06/01/2025 1:38:58 PM PDT by webheart (Notice how I said all of that without any hyphens. And only full words. )
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To: DFG

He never mentioned it on his Facebook page, which is exactly what a guilty person would do.


10 posted on 06/01/2025 1:41:53 PM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: DFG

The real shocker is that Hamilton was using the auto-feather to sign documents Washington wasn’t even told about. Revolution? What revolution?


11 posted on 06/01/2025 1:55:08 PM PDT by Chewbarkah
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To: DFG

Clapping wildly. Made my evening.


12 posted on 06/01/2025 2:39:41 PM PDT by mairdie
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To: webheart

Where can I get an auto quill?

Would be great tease toy for my cat, give me time to maybe even wash the dishes.


13 posted on 06/01/2025 4:28:12 PM PDT by Veto! (Trump Is Superman)
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To: DFG

It’s very funny BUT, the precursor to the auto pen was actually used by Jefferson in 1803. More like device that let him sign multiple documents at once.


14 posted on 06/01/2025 7:59:02 PM PDT by samkatz
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Babylon Bee.

15 posted on 06/01/2025 9:36:24 PM PDT by SunkenCiv (The best thing about a muzzie civil war is, everyone wins.)
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To: DFG
"Scandal: Historians Determine All Of George Washington’s Orders Were Signed By Auto-Feather"


16 posted on 06/02/2025 12:07:02 AM PDT by clearcarbon (Fraudulent elections have consequences.)
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