HELP!! Insane Daughter-in-Law!! SWMBO! The Queen Of Death! (Vanity)

11/08/2021 | AZJoe

[Az Joe]

Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc

My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.

Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.

SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.

[PapaBear3625]

Sorry to say, the real problem isn’t your daughter-in-law, it’s your son. He has no courage. He is unwilling to try to handle the situation, for fear of what happens if she goes on a rampage.

[the OlLine Rebel]

So sorry to hear your predicament, Joe (not the bad Joe).

Sounds like you were a devoted father.

I have quite a bit going on right in these few days, but would like to read more.

In some ways, sounds like me! LOL But in many, sounds like my old sister-in-law. Or maybe my maternal aunt (yes, she’s a nut you’d better stay away from)!

Suffice to say my SIL did NOTHING for the kids, while my brother had to take them for their activities, etc. Meanwhile she did nothing for income (unqualified for anything but MW) and my bro had to eke out what he could with his difficult professional situation (long story in itself). On top of that, she had champagne tastes including insisting on the best from Rodeo Drive.

I pray you can get a decent conclusion from this. I’ll read more later.

[Louis Foxwell]

This is on the right track. You are absolutely clear that this female is irresponsible and a danger to her children.
Counsel with you son. He must grow a spine. He is a father which means smore than bringing home a paycheck. It means having absolute authority in the home and absolute authority in his children’s lives.
It is up to him to put her on notice that she clean up her act or get out and, no, not with the children for whom she has demonstrated no concern.
He needs allies, especially women. Where is your female counter part, sir? What have you done to demonstrate a proper, healthy marriage before your son?
You have substantial work to do as does your son. The pair of you need to grow a pair and start accepting responsibility for these damaged children. Get off your dead butts and start acting like adults.

[SheepWhisperer]

Boundaries.
Create your own.
Boundaries usually begin with “I”

...I don’t want to do this, or that
...I do want to do this or the other
...I don’t wish to be spoken to this way or that way

Fill in those answers and you’re half way there.
This will guide you where you should and should not be and conversations you choose for YOU. Boundaries are never about what others can and say and do, they have their own responsibilities.

The next thing I STRONGLY suggest is to do some serious reading about narcissist and borderline personalities.(NPD/BPD)

For a good book,I recommend this...
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
...read the description and reviews

My point in all this is this woman behaves as a (NPD/BPD).
When you understand them you can shield yourself with your own personal boundaries.

Hopefully, once you know more, you’ll be able to help him be strong also. One thing to NEVER do is educate her that you’re on to her games and NEVER call her a NPD/BPD. ...ever.

There are two outcomes that are most common. One is that nothing changes...everyone continues to play their “role” in her crazy world. The other is that the empath creates boundaries of self preservation and this usually results in what’s known as narcissistic abandonment...suddenly the NPD/BPD walks out of the relationship. “I never want to see you in my house again” ...sometimes spouses leave relationships.

What is most important to be aware of physical harm that is brewing and be safe.

Sadly, NPD/BPD is mostly not curable, the core of which is based on self-loathing. But while you can’t change her, family members can create their own boundaries.

[nesnah]

At both Home Depot and Lowes’s they sell 24” 2x4 cut-offs for very little. You need to tool on down there and buy you one.

Bring it home and plant it upside your nutless son’s temple.

He’ll thank you for it later.

[Buttons12]

she could very likely accuse you of sexual abuse with the kids to get you out of the picture permanently and to ruin your life in general.

Indeed. If she was herself abused or molested as a child, there is a better than even chance that she sees her father-in-law as a potential if not actual abuser. At first she'd confine herself to sharing this projection delusion with her husband, but one day something could trigger her to accuse him to the authorities. This must be avoided at all costs.

[sport]

Very muck so on Joe if he follows it. Both the husband and wife will end up on him. Seen it happen over and over again. Brother or sister tells married brother or sister husband or wife is unfaithful. Wife or husband denies it. Brother or sister gets mad at who told. Best if Az Joe stays out of it. He is playing a game he won’t win. He will end up losing son and grand children. But I presume he is 3X7.

[rhinohunter]

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Isn’t that what today is generally referred to as a KAREN?

[cgbg]

Good post.

I had this situation with a relative.

I stated my boundaries and asked if they could live with those boundaries.

They said “no”.

We have not spoken since (we are talking decades here).

It was a great move for me.

It is so important to get those crazy people out of your life.

[Quilla]

The incredible replies you have received on this thread is why I’ve been a freeper for over 20 years. I don’t have enough information - like how close you live to them, if you’re retired or have the free time, etc. But I would go over there every day, ask her what I could do to help - clean house, bring goodies/groceries/gifts, take her shopping, run errands, kiss her grits, do whatever it takes to become her best friend. Start slow.

You are in my prayers.

[griffin]

“....do whatever it takes to become her best friend”

Then take her out to the potato field, right?? :P

[SheepWhisperer]

Well played.
Be healthy =o)

[redcatcherb412]

I hear you. I’m at married 53 years and know quite well what rules the roost and keeps things peaceful.

[deport]

Boundaries usually begin with “I”

***********

There are at least to sides to “I”. I needs to think thru the
best ways to help, offer assistance, take the lead, don’t act
like you are correct one, etc. I may need to ask a few things
like may I help, what is your thoughts, can we do this together,
you take the lead and I’ll follow, etc.

JMO and we are all different for sure. So what may work for one
may not work for others.

[JudyinCanada]

What a lovely tribute to your wife. I have the feeling she could compose something just as sweet and meaningful about her husband.

[golux]

THE SWAMBO

I am so glad you all had the wisdom to seek my advice on this complex subject.

I am, after all, a member of Free Republic's illustrious and vaunted Pyjama Patrol, of the "old guard," as it were, and moreover am a trained ethnologist.

HER ORIGINS

One must understand, first, the genetic and anthropological origins of this curious breed. Raised by the mealy-mouthed Goodwill-scented prey of itinerant sperm-suppliers in such far-flung locales as the plains of Tibet, Uzbekistan, and Baltimore, The Swambo migrated overland, generally by bus, to America's northern cities, thence, seeking opportunity and a chance to get through the winter without the power being cut off, to the lazy, laughing south.

MORPHOLOGY

Seeking "a stable situation," the Swambo can lie in wait for decades, often exhausting only one perfume bottle in her brumation. In this phase she can be recognized by the faint smell of Chanel No. 9, or occasionally 19, emanating from her burrow.

SHE STRIKES

When she captures her unwitting prey, generally on a rebound from some other terrifying but less deadly burrow, she commences a cannibalistic mating ritual which can endure for as many as thirty years.

Exhausted and near death, her prey ponders but is too weakened to escape.

THE END

Finally, and generally in a stink of mould, dirty dishes, garbage and stale cigarette smoke, the end comes. The old perfume bottle is passed on to the unwanted daughter, where she keeps it near her perm-irons, and the cycle continues when the girl matures and loses her virginity. This moment has been captured on videocassette on a number of occasions; it is generally accompanied by a sound, emanating from her brassiere, of crushing cigarettes.

I wish your family the very best at this exciting time.

Golux

[ro_dreaming]

You can sue in court for grandparents visitation.

Other than that, you cannot live his life for him - and he will have to learn his own lesson.

[Az Joe]

Bravo

[Az Joe]

Thanks to all for your replies, suggestions, ideas. Each opinion was/is valuable. There are so many.

Thank you. Out of all the opinions a strategy can be formed. Please feel free to freepmail me with anything else you may have.

[Az Joe]

Believe me, I’ve thought about it! Thx.