Posted on 01/08/2006 4:15:59 AM PST by ScubieNuc
Midlife Conundrum
How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?
I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.
Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.
Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.
I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!
Call Dr. Laura.
That b*tch knows e v e r y t h i n g .
< /sarc >
Ok now there is the problem. You may not mean it that way but you are saying that your pride in having a perfect facade is more important then your marriage.
Your wife and kids are less important then other people opinion. And you can bet that they know it.
Plus I live in a small community.
Then drive somewhere else.
Don't buy flowers every week.
That will become as BORING and habitual as buying them for Valentine's Day!
Roses after a night of great sex is a good start.
Again, don't buy flowers EVERY time. You've got to get AWAY from ROUTINE.
Someone else suggested a back rub. Great idea. Rub her back and say something like (even if it is NOT true), "Your skin is a little dry. Let me rub some lotion on you." DON'T have the lotion waiting by the bed, because then it will be OBVIOUS you had that planned. Do it expecting nothing in return. Foot rubs are always good too, especially when there is some good conversation too.
Do you watch "Everybody Loves Raymond?" Great show. Anyway, there have been quite a few episodes similar to your situation. Side-splitting hilarity. Anyway, watch the show and MAKE SURE you NEVER behave like him! He is a total idiot of a husband!
Not just when you feel like it but when you don't.
OK,
here are some questions for you...
What is your wife's favorite color?
How does she like her coffee in the morning?
What is the name of her best friend?
What is her greatest dream or desire?
Where does buy her clothes?
What is the name of her favorite movie?
What is her favorite kind of date/outing?
What is her favorite gift from you?
What would she want to change about herself if she could?
What would she want to change about you?
Granted, some are no brainers, but the more you go ?? to, the more you need counseling.
Good point.
I have watched some of "Everybody Loves Raymond." I agree, Raymond is a douffass!
But, then again, maybe I have been too in my own way.
Totally understandable from the male perspective. However, if you are the one buying flowers, if you are the one with an over the top compliment, if you are the one making her feel desirable by being romantic, then it isn't being fake: it's being you.
By changing what you are doing, you can change.
Be all of those "fake" things you have felt odd about and you will soon find out that those things will grow to fit you. Sentimentalism and sappiness can really turn things around sometimes.
But definitely talk to her about it, she may be having the same kind of apprehension about your relationship that you are. Ask her what she thinks will work that she feels "fake" about. This will give you both the permission needed to try these things without feeling that the other will laugh or be dismissive. Her knowing that you are trying, and you knowing that she is trying will give you common ground to work from as you move through this frustrating period of your marriage.
You have freepmail.
Sounds like you don't like yourslef, so why should anybody else lioke you? Try being a person you would like - maybe your life will change as well.
You and others have hit the common cord that I haven't been attentive enough to her desires. But some of the answers to your questions are that I know what her likes and dislikes are and I have discovered that they are not the same as my likes and dislikes.
How do people with such disimilar interests, stay interested in each other?
Faking it is not a good long term solution. IMHO
What did you do when you were courting her? Was there someplace special you would go just to talk? Something you did that always made her smile? Make a special date, but don't tell her where you're going. She'll be intrigued by the mystery and very pleased that you remembered.
Watch the movie "Don Juan de Marco." Learn from it.
Yes. If she loves you, it might actually be a wake up call for her...as long as you don't tell her in a threatening manner.
Nothing I listed is something she should have in common with you....it's just what makes her who she is. Do you really know her? Who she is? I mean, from what you've said, sounds like there are still a lot of secrets and unknowns.
If she has a need for demonstrative affection and affirmation, it still isn't about you. If you love someone and they love eggs for breakfast, yet you hate them...you still make them eggs. They still know you don't like them, but you get pleasure in making their eggs the way they want them.
Same goes for buying gifts, doing kind things, watching a sappy movie with her. It's a gift. And weirdly, you start to see why others enjoy such things.
Making someone else happy, showing them you care or seeing to their needs only makes you a better person. So it's a win-win for both.
Yeah. What she said.
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