New Thermostat Requires You To Relinquish Your Man Card To Turn The Heat On

BabylonBee.com ^ | Nov 19, 2022 | The Babylon Bee

[E. Pluribus Unum]

https://babylonbee.com/news/new-thermostats-will-now-require-you-to-relinquish-your-man-card-in-order-to-turn-the-heat-on

AKRON, OH — In order to properly shame the weak, newly installed thermostats will now require men to surrender their Man Card in order to turn on the heat.

"You sure you want to do that, you low-T coward?" asked the thermostat, as local man Daniel Miller reached for the heat button. "If so, hand over your man card and go enroll yourself in a birthing class, immediately."

Being a feeble namby-pamby, Mr. Miller has again considered turning on the heat after all of the house pipes froze, leaving the family without water. "I get that I will disgrace my family name, but we can only survive so long," said Mr. Miller. "And our poor goldfish is literally encased in a block of ice. It's really, really cold in here."

Though experts say real men never turn on the furnace, even if their eyes freeze shut, surveys show the young boys of the current generation have gone soft. "We hope these new thermostat controls will help push this pathetic crop of weaklings to shape up," said local handyman Art Rogers. "Grab a coat, build a fire, and amputate that toe you lost to frostbite with a garden pruner. You'll finally be able to respect that man in the mirror."

At publishing time, Mr. Miller's wife and children had lost all respect for him after he set the heat to 40 degrees.

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TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; satire

[gundog]

Just put on one of those pink J. Crew sweaters.

[JZelle]

Funny now, reality later.

[riverrunner]

Real men cut and burn their own wood.

[TigersEye]

LOL

This is why I’ll never surrender my 40 yr old mercury switch thermostats.
I control them, they don’t control me. And they don’t talk to me or to anyone else. :)

[AZJeep]

Ditto here.
Our utility is giving away free high tech thermostats.
I almost jumped on the chance, but then I did some investigation.
Yes, they can set your temperature remotely to whatever they want!
No way Jose!
The old one is just perfect!.

[Disambiguator]

Russian proverb:

A man who cuts his own firewood is warmed twice.

[Dr. Sivana]

I’m in Phoenix. If it gets chilly here a new Dual Xeon Workstation Computer with high-end graphics and an AI chip can heat as much as a typical heat pump.

[TigersEye]

My utility here has tried the same thing. They also send me “useful tips” from time to time. Useful tips that I applied to my house a long time ago or couldn’t afford, such as new windows. (old ones are double pane anyway)

Now those emails are deleted without opening.

My useful tip for them is ‘You supply me gas, I’ll pay the bill and apart from that we have no contact. Mmmmm kay?’ LOL

[Pikachu_Dad]

You have failed to grasp the most pernicious aspect of the new ‘high tech’ thermostats.

Years ago, I purchased one of those newfangled ‘high tech’ thermostats from the Apple store.

I thought I was safe from the machinations of google, only to learn that google bought out that brand six months later. So google can record all of my thermostat activities.

The company had been pushing to force all of us to switch from our original NEST accounts, and the final, final deadline arrived this year. So as of October, the thermostat can no longer be set remotely. It is now just a wall thermostat. Oh well.

The perniciousness of the ability to remotely set the thermostat means that one must have internet access. So after a major hurricane, such as Ida, that service may not exist for a month or two.

Now that I have been disowned, I find I rather like the device just as a ‘wall switch’. I had been considering switching to a simple model without the toxic company connection but could never justify spending the funds.