Posted on 11/19/2025 5:48:20 PM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
AKRON, OH — In order to properly shame the weak, newly installed thermostats will now require men to surrender their Man Card in order to turn on the heat.
"You sure you want to do that, you low-T coward?" asked the thermostat, as local man Daniel Miller reached for the heat button. "If so, hand over your man card and go enroll yourself in a birthing class, immediately."
Being a feeble namby-pamby, Mr. Miller has again considered turning on the heat after all of the house pipes froze, leaving the family without water. "I get that I will disgrace my family name, but we can only survive so long," said Mr. Miller. "And our poor goldfish is literally encased in a block of ice. It's really, really cold in here."
Though experts say real men never turn on the furnace, even if their eyes freeze shut, surveys show the young boys of the current generation have gone soft. "We hope these new thermostat controls will help push this pathetic crop of weaklings to shape up," said local handyman Art Rogers. "Grab a coat, build a fire, and amputate that toe you lost to frostbite with a garden pruner. You'll finally be able to respect that man in the mirror."
At publishing time, Mr. Miller's wife and children had lost all respect for him after he set the heat to 40 degrees.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
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Just put on one of those pink J. Crew sweaters.
Funny now, reality later.
Real men cut and burn their own wood.
LOL
This is why I’ll never surrender my 40 yr old mercury switch thermostats.
I control them, they don’t control me. And they don’t talk to me or to anyone else. :)
Ditto here.
Our utility is giving away free high tech thermostats.
I almost jumped on the chance, but then I did some investigation.
Yes, they can set your temperature remotely to whatever they want!
No way Jose!
The old one is just perfect!.
Russian proverb:
A man who cuts his own firewood is warmed twice.
I’m in Phoenix. If it gets chilly here a new Dual Xeon Workstation Computer with high-end graphics and an AI chip can heat as much as a typical heat pump.
My utility here has tried the same thing. They also send me “useful tips” from time to time. Useful tips that I applied to my house a long time ago or couldn’t afford, such as new windows. (old ones are double pane anyway)
Now those emails are deleted without opening.
My useful tip for them is ‘You supply me gas, I’ll pay the bill and apart from that we have no contact. Mmmmm kay?’ LOL
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