Posted on 11/17/2025 4:00:51 PM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
https://babylonbee.com/news/flintstones-vitamins-with-ozempic-now-available-for-fat-kids
MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids.
"This has been a long time coming," Bayer spokesman Scott Thomspon said. "For far too long, fat kids have plagued our country. Now, with an easy pop of one of our vitamins, these chubs can slim down in no time. No more awkward comments from Grandma, no more bullying, no more being known for doing the Truffle Shuffle."
Thompson said the chewable gummy vitamins taste great and help fat kids lose weight right away. The nation's obesity epidemic has hit kids and youth hard, with one in five kids under the age of 18 reportedly overweight.
"If you feed your darling little son Twinkies for breakfast and you're all out of ideas on how to slim him down, grab a bottle of our Finstones chewable gummies with Ozemipic and he'll be skinny in no time!" Thompson explained. "Try our new flavor, Slim Berry! Now with added calcium for strong bones."
At publishing time, your mom had eaten the entire bottle.
(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...
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This won’t be satire for long.
Hahahaha these guys are brutally funny...
I could see someone at big pharma reading this and thinking *What a great idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
I remember having to take Flintstones vitamins in the 1980’s. But since I was a free-range kid, I wasn’t fat, so therefore I wouldn’t have needed the Ozempic.
Yabba Dabba Dooooo!
And pretty much everything is “well, that might be true soon” or “whaddaya mean that’s not true?”
No Wilma, I think an order of junior velociraptor ribs will be enough. I’m not hungry enough for the bronto ribs anymore.
Funny, except for the fact that Ozempic is an injection (abdomen, thigh, or upper arm).
I know. All kidding aside, this marketing angle of pharmaceuticals just makes me want to facepalm.
I don’t even watch television, yet somehow, I keep seeing it every single time I pass a television anywhere that is on. My home. At work. An airport. A gym. It feels like every time my eyes pass over a television, it is some pharmaceutical ad on a pale blue background featuring a young black woman with a skin condition called CAPDS
(I asked Grok to make a pharm commercial script for some fictional skin condition, and what it gave back was kind of funny, because it frikking nailed it accurately!)
I have said that I can often accurately identify a Leftist article within the first sentence, if not the first few words. I used to have the same knack of being able to identify the great Jazz saxophonists after hearing only two notes of nearly any of their music.
I seem to have that same ability to identify pharmaceutical commercials. I can take an instant snapshot of a second or two of the video, and I can nail it! The inability to deviate from a woke scene template, the background colors, the races of the actors, the tone of the music...I can’t put my finger on it, but when I see it it instantly registers!
When I realized how much pharmaceutical advertising is on television, I admit it alarmed me a bit. It seemed completely unhealthy and ass-backwards.
Wasn’t sure this was from the Bee until I checked.
NARRATOR: (soft, empathetic female voice): Do you suffer from Chronic Aesthetic Dysmorphia Syndrome? Also known as CADS? Symptoms may include:
NARRATOR: [Cut to woman crying in Sephora bathroom] You’re not alone. Over 97 million Americans suffer from CADS.
SCREEN: Ask your influencer if Dermaperfectia is right for you
NARRATOR: Introducing **Dermaperfectia™** — the first and only once-daily topical serum clinically proven to reduce the appearance of having skin by up to 600%* Just one pump of Dermaperfectia™ floods your face with patented **Unrealicillin-9™** and **GlassSkinomax™**, tricking everyone into thinking you woke up flawless instead of doom-scrolling until 3 a.m. eating gas-station sushi. [Happy people now bouncing through fields, skin literally glowing like they’re ring-light dependent]. Dermatologist-influencer approved! Side effects may include: (Spoken so fast and low that it is completely unintelligible)
Dermaperfectia™ — Because having actual skin is so 2019.
SCREEN:. [Fine print scrolls at light speed] *Results based on a double-blind study of 12 Instagram models who were already perfect. Your results may vary. Or not exist. Not intended to treat real dermatological conditions. If you experience actual joy, consult your therapist immediately.
Ask your dermatologist for Dermaperfectia™ today!
Or just buy it online for $289.99 (plus shipping) like everyone else.
#Dermaperfectia #SkinSoGoodItsSuspicious
The script is the same for ALL of them, isn’t it?
Fred and Barney would make excellent spokespeople. Oh, wait! They’re both white. Need to Afrotize Fred to show more diversity. Instead of “yabba dabba doo”, the new tagline with be “sheeee-it!”
Not impossible. I can imagine all sorts of applications for GLP-1 drugs (including semaglutide and tirzepatide).
Pediatric use: Liraglutide (Saxenda, Victoza) and semaglutide (Wegovy) are the two GLP-1 drugs approved for weight management in children and adolescents 12 and older, while Victoza is also approved for type 2 diabetes in children as young as 10.
Military pre-induction. An unacceptable number of potential recruits are overweight. Despite insistence by many that “willpower alone” is enough to trim them down, the numbers don’t bear this out.
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