Posted on 06/08/2024 12:02:21 PM PDT by Twotone
So, you've decided to join all the cool New Yorkers who are moving to Florida? Congratulations! It'll be just like snowbirding, except it'll last forever! Unfortunately, it's been said that New Yorkers often experience a significant culture shock when they first arrive in the Sunshine State.
Fortunately, The Babylon Bee is here to help you through the adjustment with this helpful list of 10 things that you should prepare for:
1. When it's hot, that's called "summer": It's also called "winter," "spring," and "fall."
2. Tax dollars won't have to pay for immigrants to live in Marriott hotels: Instead, your money will be used to fly immigrants to Martha's Vineyard.
3. You're less likely to be shot on your way to your mailbox: And at the grocery store. And while you're getting gas. And while crossing the street. And at the beach. And at Disney World. Basically, you're less likely to get shot in general.
4. You'll now have to watch out for the roving gangs of murderous alligators: Often called the "Floridian Mafia," they are most often seen demanding protection money from local businesses under the guise of "running a trucking company." Just give them what they want, and you'll probably be fine.
5. "Shank" now means a mis-hit in golf: Not the makeshift weapon the drugged-up psycho sitting next to you on the subway is fixin' to stick into your chest.
6. It's so oppressively humid you feel like you're constantly being cooked in a microwave oven and on the brink of heat stroke when you go outside for 1 minute to get the mail: Don't worry, you'll eventually get used to taking an oxygen tank with you when you go for your morning jog.
7. There's someone strong, principled, and competent in charge of your state: This is what is referred to as a "governor."
8. The pizza is far inferior: The savages in Florida don't even fold their slices multiple times.
9. There is 100% less Robert DeNiro: This alone makes the move worthwhile.
10. You're geographically closer to Mar-a-Lago: You'll sense its presence at all times and will need to face in its direction when praying every morning.
Now that you know what to expect, you should have an easier time adjusting to moving from New York to the United States.
We call them immigrants from blue states. - Bless their heart.
We live in Georgia and despise these immigrants. I personally call them out when they refuse to register their vehicles in our great state.
I have no problem calling them out whenever possible. You immigrate to our state - conform to our standards.
I posted this the other day but it applies here too.
The timing for this article is just perfect. If it had come out a month ago I doubt I could have posted a reply. But I’m over dengue fever and my malaria is under control now. I have more time now that my wife has learned to walk on her prosthetic leg she received after the incident with a gator. Besides the recovery from some health issues we’re in better spirits now that we have finely gotten over the loss of our beloved dog, Scruffy, to the python. It was much harder to bounce back from than losing a cat or two...or five to a python or rattler. One thing is the pythons tend to keep the number of monitor lizards down.
With the weather being so hot, humid and oppressive I’m inside a lot and have more time to post. (I like AC and I sure wish they could keep the power on more than a few hours a day here.) But we have a big screened in lanai and its shaded. It keeps the swarms of mosquitoes at bay- for the most part- and I just use the leaf blower when the fire ants breach the door. Fortunately most of the fire ants are too large to get past the door sweep.
I would go to the beach, but it’s killer white tiger hammerhead shark season and swimming carries a few risks with the oozing sores I have on my legs from gardening. Other than humans I don’t know what they eat, but I think they may follow the poisonous jellyfish in from deeper water this time of year. BTW, the things you hear about flesh eating microbes in the water aren’t true...well not entirely anyway.
I live in one of the nicer neighborhoods in SW Florida. It’s a gated community, so we rarely get a naked, meth crazed, knifing wielding “Florida Man” holding anyone hostage. And when it happens the sheriff’s office responds quickly and has some pretty good snipers, so most of the time it only a short nuisance event.
So back to my reason for posting. Florida is not for everyone. It offers a lot of freedoms, unless you say “gay”. People are pretty tolerant here and I guess that is why there are so many white supremacists of all creeds and colors. But hurricane season is rough and many people will not want to live with the 50% chance each year of being swept out to sea in a storm surge. So my recommendation is for people to STAY AWAY from Florida and consider states further north if they want sun, surf and safety.
It’s like Waterworld except people are living on a limestone bridge over the water. Sometimes the bridges collapse and take part of a neighborhood with them.
They need to consider the horrifying fact that many around them are armed at all times.
“consider states further north if they want sun, surf and safety.”
They should consider New Joisy, Delaware. and Mary land
Lots of liberal kindred spirits and laws they like.
BTTT
Welcome to the normal world. Was stationed in Pensacola in ‘57 and loved the place immediately. Never crossed the Mason-Dixon line again. Spent too much of my time fishing, chasing girls and eating oysters in Apalachicola. When my Greyhound bus arrived at Fort Walton Beach it actually snowed.
Snakes are the squirrels of Florida,
Love it :)
Nice, and congrats!
In Florida, at least across the Orlando/Tampa “middle” section, it rains every day between 2 and 4 PM.
It’s heat related.
3 bdrm 3 bath $16300 from citizens.
Why do those statistics need to be age adjusted? A bullet is a bullet.
I wouldn’t doubt it. You know what I miss about Florida? The beach and fresh fish. That’s it.
#6 reminds me of summers visiting my grandmother in the south.
Haha.
There are boa constrictors that will swallow you whole.
Alligators that will have you for a snack.
Mosquitoes that will drain you.
Hurricanes that will wipe you from existence.
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