Posted on 10/09/2020 9:43:28 AM PDT by Colonial35
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.” The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.” The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Cell phone message
A group of women were at a seminar on
“How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.”
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
“I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday
and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid
that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free.
It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t
know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask,
“Why, what did you hear?”
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing
on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things
and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,
makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Or my favorite.... When our ship comes in, We will be at the airport!!
Want some silliness? My Senior Drill Instructor drove a Fiero.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
Vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency Landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to
land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and
will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther,
did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment
check for the IRS this quarter?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that
one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”
Irish Sugar Test
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
“Could you taste this for me, please?”
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.
“No, not at all,” says the chemist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar.”
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me
to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me
to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would
think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
“What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb.
He said “You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
“And where do you think you’re going?”
She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”
Blonde & the Milkman
JUST WHEN I THINK I’VE HEARD THE “BEST BLONDE JOKE” EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS…
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her
milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to
leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”
13 Reasons to Smile:
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting
next to you saying, “Wow, that was fun!”
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping” but now I just “chunky dunk.”
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn’t you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher,
and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier.
“And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
Please pass this along to anyone who needs a reason to smile.
The teenager went to the doctor for a check up. He took a stethoscope and listened to her chest. “Take big breaths” the doctor said
“What?”
Big breaths. Big breaths!
“Thankth. And I’m only Thithteen!”
An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts
putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, Where are you going?’
He replies, ‘I’m going to the doctor.’
She says, ‘Why, are you sick?’
He says, ‘Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.’
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of
her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, ‘Where the heck are you going’?
She answers, ‘I’m going to the doctor, too.’
He says, ‘Why, what do you need?’
She says, ‘If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing,
I’m getting a Tetanus shot
It’s a dark night on guard duty and two soldiers meet.
“Gotta light?” Asks one.
The other replies “yeah, hold on a sec. Jeez, what a night. What sort of idiot is running this outfit anyway?”
He then finds his matches and ignites one.
In the glow of the match he sees the others’ three stars and quickly salutes.
“Oh, No! I didn’t mean that! I’m sorry, Sir!”
To which the General replies:
“Oh, don’t worry, Private. I know how you feel. Let’s just be glad I’m not a First Lieutenant!”
A duck walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer”.
The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”
The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.
And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could
be making millions in the circus?”
And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”
YOu have outdone yourself today. All very good jokes! My wife’s father who served for 28 years in the army used to tell a varient of the Marines in Fallujah joke with Hitler, Roosevelt and a few others featured.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision. Suture self. _,___
Documented conversations between Tech Support staff and (technologically impaired) seniors....
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... Tech support:
Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says
‘can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says he can’t find it..
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine.’
From the Pence-Harris Debate this week.
Google image search actively suppressed this meme (it was searchable Wednesday and not today but still online in the FR threads).
Seeing if Kamala goes viral this time.
I went to the doctor. After the exam, he told me I had an incurable disease.
“Oh, doctor! That’s horrible. I’d like a second opinion”, I said
He replied “Alright then. You’re ugly too”
Got 4 for y’all.
1. A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.
And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
2. A fellow in a bar is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, “What did you put in my mouth?”
He says, “Two aspirin.”
She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!”
He says, “That’s all I wanted to hear...”
3. Said one fisherman to the other,”I think there’s new species of crabs.
These ones itch a lot more than the ones I had last year.
4. Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.
“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
” U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
” U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
“The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
“Marine Sniper - You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775”
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”
“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”
“Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers”
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