Posted on 06/18/2009 9:30:34 AM PDT by Retired Greyhound
Dear Fellow FReepers, moral clarity needed.
My stepson just graduated from college and has moved back home.
Twice now I have woken up to find them both sleeping in his bed.
I don't like it, but my wife doesn't have a huge problem with it, since they have been dating almost a year. However, she says she will back me up on it.
Am I being reasonable? I am planning on nipping it in the bud tonight, but just wanted to run it by my fellow FReepers.
Thank you.
That said, it's easier to draw a line now then when he's broken up with this young woman and he's bringing "dates" home from the club. When that starts, what will you say?
I assume they're not at "her place" because she lives at home - and her parents have drawn a line. They don't want an unmarried couple having sex in their home.
If this works out - and she's the one - you'll meet her parents - do you want to be the couple that didn't respect their values?
Hey Carley,
While the boy is a step-son, the fact the “kid” is doing it in his house is a much larger factor IMO.
It is never late to make a rule especially if it is an issue that is bothering the guy. Its his house, period.
BTW, I am a 47 year old male engaged to a similar aged gal. When we visit both sets of our parents, we sleep in separate beds. Neither of us would dream of putting our parents in that situation.
OK, now that I know you’re a Christian, I have another comment.
When I was a young married woman, my mother-in-law taught me an awful lot about being a good Christian woman. We had a good relationship, so I considered her advice and took much of it to heart. My point is that Christian parents should continue to advise their adult children throughout their lifetimes. They listen. I did and so did my husband. We are better people today because of my mother-in-law’s advice, and my adult sons continue to come to me when they struggle with moral issues (especially with women).
One more thing- I’ve found that with adult sons, it’s more effective to give them an almost idealized picture of who you would like them to become, rather than focus on petty rules. I would definitely prohibit their over-nighters, but would do so because you would like to see your son grow to be they type of man who “uses his superior strength to guard more vulnerable women from exploitation” or whatever applies in your step son’s situation. If your step-son is a Christian, you might ask how this sexual relationship helps bring the girl closer to Christ, or ask if he can envision this relationship with Christ as the center. (That would of course require marriage.)
You’re the step-parent. It is not fair for you to take the lead on this. I know what I speak of.
If your spouse isn’t bothered enough to say anything, even with you discussing it with her (and perhaps maybe you didn’t explain it well enough to her what you are worried about, and maybe come at it from you are worried about her son and the girl, point of view), it might not be a battle you decide is big enough to fight for. If you can re-explain it (without hammering the point too much to annoy) from the “I am concerned about the kids angle” it might click for your wife where it didn’t before. Trying different reasoning paths can work because it shows you’ve thought about it from more than one point of view, it’s not just for some personal reason.
One thing you could try to do is talk with the kid, if you’re pretty close to him, and just kind of talk to him and make sure they’re taking precautions and maybe tell him about any relevant things you learned in your own dating life as a young guy, that will help keep his head on straight (you know like I didn’t want ot go too far because while my girlfriend was great, we didn’t always click right, and then when we broke up, I was glad we hadn’t gone so far, etc).
Now if you’re not close with him that won’t work. But if you get along and you’re someone he’ll listen to and look up to, some of it will get through.
Apparently not if you live near Morgan Freeman.
Until I read that, I was going to not comment, being sort of indifferent-to-conflicted on the issue (torn between "she sleeps there or they both sleep elsewhere" and "unless he pays any bills, he should not be afforded any behavior which makes you uncomfortable in your own home", mostly leaning toward the former).
But if he is not serious (especially if she thinks he is), and has no intention of marrying her, you should do what you would want a father in your position to do if it was your daughter doing the sleep over. Definitely don't enable.
Not necessarily. I used to sleep with my girlfriend before we got married . . . but that is what we did, SLEEP. I don't see anything immoral about that. Do you know for sure they are having sex? Or are they just sleeping?
As a Christian, then you should confront.
As the parent and your house you should confront. Your house, your rules.
Even renters have rules to live by in most cases.
My wife is not bothered enough to take the lead, but she does see my point. So if she won’t handle it, I will.
The kid and I were very close when he was younger, but we drifted as he became older and I started calling him on his stuff. His mother is more naive, so he tends to go to her for things because she asks less questions. He can’t get away with as much with me.
So any talk I have with him won’t be well received. But I don’t care.
Yeh....we finally gave up...scheduled the wedding for january....but moved it up to November...It’s upstate NY...It’s freezin’ in January!!
That's all well and good...if he was 15-years-old.
He's 22, out of college, able to get a job, able to get his own place to live. If anyone is not being fair, it is this step-son by knowingly taking advantage of his step-father's goodwill and disrespecting him in his own home. That should that be tolerated.
If he can't handle the rules, he can leave any time he wants.
I'm all for parents helping their children to get back on their feet. But this situation appears to be that the kid doesn't want o accept responsibility for himself and his life.
You have a great idea to treat her like your daughter. I’ve found that when I talk to one of my own sons about not taking advantage of a girl, it goes down a lot smoother when I speak out of concern for the girl’s welfare.
After all my son likes the girl, too. He seems touched that I seem to care for her, too.
Thanks!
I think you owe it to both of them to take a stand, if not specifically from a moral basis (if that wouldn’t make any impact) then from a practical one. Assuming you just let this slide, what were you planning to do *when*, not if, she’s pregnant? Have her move in full-time, and all three of them living off you indefinitely?
I understand this is your wife’s biological child, but unless she’s also the sole owner of the house you’re all living in, you have plenty of authority to take action in the situation.
Have you educated her on the “free milk and a cow” parable?
Don't give the impression of impropriety. Be beyond reproach.
So, "you two can sleep together, as long as you're using condoms"? As I said, liberalism is poisoning us all.
Our jobs as parents are to teach independence. I had this same dilemma when my son returned home after his first marriage broke up.
Since his reasons for staying with me included getting back out on his own, I saw that by allowing too many ‘conveniences’ at home as a block to his independence. He quickly became motivated to seek better employment AND alternative living quarters when the desire for a sleepover with girlfriend was denied at home.
I believe that, too. Why would I make the place too comfortable for him when my goal is for him to eventually get out?
I have to do my best to replicate the real world for him.
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