****The Official Friday Silliness Thread****

[Lucky9teen]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

 Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

 Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


 The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 The women won.

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:    
    
1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the carmel ones.
2.  Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3.  Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4.  Any food item with the words "diet", "light",  or "high fiber" on the label.
5.  Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6.  Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10.  A gift certificate.
11.  Cash.
12.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.        
13.  An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

It'd actually be funnier if it weren't so sickeningly true...


Barrack Obama 2/14/2009 (Valentine Day) Schedule

3:00am Let voice mail pickup the 3:00am call

7:00am In attempt to get Republicans and Democrats working together, have Cupid costumed Biden hand out heart shaped candy on Senate Floor.

8:00am Send McCain a gag Valentine Day card from Sarah Palin

8:15am Send Hillary a gag Valentine Day card from Bill

9:00am Use BarrackBerry to text Oprah a 143 message.

10:00am Issue executive order for new Obama Girl video

11:00am Call into Limbaugh radio show; Tell Rush that new Universal Health plan will now pay for his pills

Noon Read 1432 message back from Oprah

1:00pm Have press secretary release new valentine videotape where Michelle states that she always has loved the United States

2:00pm Sneak Rev Wright in to renew wedding vows.

4:00pm Take Michelle onto Air Force 1 for romantic viewing of DC; With a wink in eye, request pilot to circle city at altitude greater than a mile

5:00pm Call Al Gore to ask for some Carbon Credits, because being Air Force 1 just exceeded annual allotment.

6:00pm Issue Valentines Day executive order removing North Korea, Syria and Iran from Axis of Evil.

7:00pm Tell Michelle that because you are now the president, you didn’t have time to get Valentines Day present.

8:00pm Spend night alone in Lincoln Room.

9:00pm Call Bush (W) to ask him where the pretzels are.

[Dead Corpse]

Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes.

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
Anonymous

“Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.”
Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.

“Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.”
Anonymous

“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.”
Hoosier Farmer

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
Erich Segal

“Love wouldn’t be blind if the Braille weren’t so damned much fun.”
Anonymous

“Falling in love is so hard on the knees.”
Aerosmith

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
Jules Renard

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”
Peter Ustinov

“Love is a grave mental disease.”
Plato

[Dead Corpse]

[ShadowAce]

Today's the day for a milestone in Unix Time!!

[Dacula]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says the man.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘Yes, she has,’ says the man.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re getting new countertops”

[OB1kNOb]

LOL! That’s great!

[OB1kNOb]

Two Reasons Why It ‘s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

[BenLurkin]

[OB1kNOb]

A blonde calls an airline and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute..’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

[girlscout]

[girlscout]

[BenLurkin]

[BenLurkin]

[Army Air Corps]

Does she have a sister?

[NerdDad]

bump

[Liberty Valance]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9J9rTZJBmw
Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield

[Monkey Face]

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.
A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people

Your flirting style: 100% natural

What turns you off: serious relationship talks

Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

[Jersey Republican Biker Chick]

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.
Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out

Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking

What turns you off: fighting and conflict

Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

[Rightly Biased]

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

[Eaker]

[fredhead]

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.
Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out

Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking

What turns you off: fighting and conflict

Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?