Posted on 04/23/2008 9:56:59 AM PDT by Lazamataz
I've been trying to cope with life as it is today. It's different than it was, that's for sure.
About July of 2006, I met the woman of my dreams. Intelligent, very pretty, highly sexually-charged, professional, able to understand my offbeat humor, seemingly very compatible with me in every way. Soon after starting to date, we began to plan to marry. Our target date was June of 2007.
Some things began to bother me, however. She seemed to make major changes, quickly. She converted in levels of religious fervor, and seemed to change in core directions, too quickly. I began to see various, if small, lies.
Too, I had my problems. I was beginning to become judgemental about her. I wasn't accepting who she was, but who I wanted her to be. She was judgemental and controlling in return.
I noticed she had a huge low self-esteem, and I also have been cursed with that -- although I am working on myself, diligently. She admitted to me that she had bulimia, but then lied about individual episiodes. There were times she smelled like vomit, but swore she hadn't acted out.
Well, around about October of last year, she hooked up with the father of her child, a 5x convicted felon and currently-active crackhead.
She called me last week because she needed groceries. Apparently, she started using crack with him, picking up this habit at the age of 42. She lost her job. Her car's about to be repossessed. She has no electricity. She's fallen apart. Her skin tone, normally beautiful, is ashen. She looks about 10 years older than she did. Her hair was a mess. She had bruises all over her. She's gained 20-30 lbs, and has a big belly now, and fat legs. She wasn't attractive any more. She just wasn't.
Her house is trashed. There is damage to many of the interior door jams, like someone busted in. There is trash on the floor everywhere. There doesn't appear to be a clean dish in the house. The hallways had empty crack bags in them. The clothes they wore looked unwashed.
Ray had a big bite mark on his arm where she bit to the muscle. She's become an animal -- an animal who bites. She was spiritually vacant. Her eyes had no soul.
She's absolutely not for me. She hates herself. She's incapable of love. She doesn't even give a *** about her daughter. That's the toughest part to see. She says her daughter is a typical rebellious teenager. MAYBE it has a LITTLE to do with the fact that the house is falling into a pit of horror, and her Mom is high on crack, drunk out of her mind, fighting and biting her husband until he bleeds.
She's dangerously insane. I will never consider being with her for a minute. I cannot believe I almost married this nutcase. I need better discernment.
working....sigh.
Laz,
Let me ask you a question - what were you looking for when you met her? Did you give yourself enough time to get to know her before you started talking marriage, or did you fall in love with an image of what you wanted that prevented you from pulling the curtain back and seeing what was really there?
I’m not lecturing you because I have definitely been there and done that more times than I care to admit. Years ago, when a really bad “relationship” ended after 9+ years, I put myself out to pasture so I could take a long look at me and get to know who I was. After a long string of failed relationships, the one common element in all of them was me.
6 years later, I was ready to date again. I found my wife and we got married and have remained happily so for over 14 years. Sometimes, we create images in our minds that interfere with us seeing what is right in front of us because we don’t want to see those things. Fortunately for me, the image I had of my wife matched the reality.
I’m sorry your relationship ended the way that it did - it’s a bitter pill to swallow. By the same token, at least you found out BEFORE you tied the know with her.
Good luck.
Save the child, now.
We always flirted. Now that I am out of that thing, if you look even slightly cute in a thong, marry me.
Marry me today.
EXACTLY! I fell in love with the image of who she was.
RUN!
Don't look back.
Oh Laz, I am sorry to see this. I hope she gets help before her actions get her killed. I’ll send you an e-hug and keep your future happiness in my prayers.
R
I sent in the relatives. It's on them, now. They are responsible so I suspect the child will get protection.
OK.
Thanks for sharing. it's good to know that other people have been through something similar.
> I am an addict in recovery myself. The issue is not the drugs. The SYMPTOM is the drugs. The ISSUE is the incredible lack of self-worth and absence of any self-love.
OK, let’s say that it is as you say (it probably is). How much of that can you fix, without damaging yourself in the process? (the latter part being most important — “always put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” as the airlines say.)
If she does not value herself, you can’t make her do it.
I’d argue that the drugs exacerbate the problem of low self-esteem. Just possibly they cause it. One thing that I do know is this: the price you will pay for finding out is likely to be far too high.
Don’t toss her on the trash heap: definitely don’t do that. That wouldn’t be kind, and it wouldn’t be right. But her solution begins when she can set aside the drugs. From there she has a base upon which she can build.
But the drugs have to go. First. If she cannot do that, then you probably cannot help her.
Nobody can, in that case.
She must help herself.
You haven't seen my genitals.
Now you HAVE seen everything.
“A friend of mine is compiling a list of “get to know you” questions that he’s having his sons and daughters discuss with any future mate before they get emotionally committed. Sounds like a good strategy, in conjunction with group settings for meeting people.”
If you could post those questions please do...I and I’m sure others would appreciate seeing them.
Wow!. That's really a story to post. All I can say, is be glad you didn't marry her.
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS on overcoming your drug problem. May I ask how you were able to overcome your drug problem, when so many others apparently cannot?
Thank you for posting this. Although painful, it adds to the knowledge base, and promotes discussion.
I think you have just helped me understand my neice's situation. Hers is pretty much the same story about losing her job, getting her car repossessed, her house is falling apart and filthy, clothes that are beyond dirty, etc.
Of course her story is that she has fallen on hard times and has a lot of bad luck, and the family (including myself) has spent a lot trying to help her (give her food, pay for utility bills, etc.). Certainly seems like something she is not telling us (more to her story). So your story of your 42 year old former girlfriend's situation was really valuable.
I am sure "losing" someone in this manner is troubling. Almost like a suicide, but they are still alive as some kind of zombie.
Laz, just move on with your life, and (again) be glad you did not marry her.
That was too easy. Now I think you are too much like Karen. :) I’m scared and running again. :)
Laz, you were in love with an idea or impression of who you thought this woman was you were never in love with her.
Been there, done that with an ex-wife. Once I was willing to accept that it was the idea of who I thought she was that I was in love with and not the actual person things got very easy, very quickly.
Shortly you will look back on your time with her and thank god you saw her for who she really is and not who you thought she was before you married her.
If you think it’s hard now just imagine how hard it would have been to have that nightmare living in your home with you when she went bad.
I have not overcome my drug problem. That's the key to overcoming it; when you realize that you have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of your spiritual condition. That's the only way to make it -- one day at a time.
My old monkey is back on me, now that I am trying to experience through these problems, so I have to be especially vigilent right now.
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