What happens when the woman of your dreams is a nightmare?

Apr 23, 2008 | By Lazamataz

[Lazamataz]

I've been trying to cope with life as it is today. It's different than it was, that's for sure.

About July of 2006, I met the woman of my dreams. Intelligent, very pretty, highly sexually-charged, professional, able to understand my offbeat humor, seemingly very compatible with me in every way. Soon after starting to date, we began to plan to marry. Our target date was June of 2007.

Some things began to bother me, however. She seemed to make major changes, quickly. She converted in levels of religious fervor, and seemed to change in core directions, too quickly. I began to see various, if small, lies.

Too, I had my problems. I was beginning to become judgemental about her. I wasn't accepting who she was, but who I wanted her to be. She was judgemental and controlling in return.

I noticed she had a huge low self-esteem, and I also have been cursed with that -- although I am working on myself, diligently. She admitted to me that she had bulimia, but then lied about individual episiodes. There were times she smelled like vomit, but swore she hadn't acted out.

Well, around about October of last year, she hooked up with the father of her child, a 5x convicted felon and currently-active crackhead.

She called me last week because she needed groceries. Apparently, she started using crack with him, picking up this habit at the age of 42. She lost her job. Her car's about to be repossessed. She has no electricity. She's fallen apart. Her skin tone, normally beautiful, is ashen. She looks about 10 years older than she did. Her hair was a mess. She had bruises all over her. She's gained 20-30 lbs, and has a big belly now, and fat legs. She wasn't attractive any more. She just wasn't.

Her house is trashed. There is damage to many of the interior door jams, like someone busted in. There is trash on the floor everywhere. There doesn't appear to be a clean dish in the house. The hallways had empty crack bags in them. The clothes they wore looked unwashed.

Ray had a big bite mark on his arm where she bit to the muscle. She's become an animal -- an animal who bites. She was spiritually vacant. Her eyes had no soul.

She's absolutely not for me. She hates herself. She's incapable of love. She doesn't even give a *** about her daughter. That's the toughest part to see. She says her daughter is a typical rebellious teenager. MAYBE it has a LITTLE to do with the fact that the house is falling into a pit of horror, and her Mom is high on crack, drunk out of her mind, fighting and biting her husband until he bleeds.

She's dangerously insane. I will never consider being with her for a minute. I cannot believe I almost married this nutcase. I need better discernment.

[Lazamataz]

On a more practical note, yes, change your locks.

I am! I'm losing weight, dressing better, gelling my hair, and eating right!

Oh, you said LOCKS!

[Lazamataz]

I agree, but if a woman isn't hot, she won't be compatible to me.

Cuz I'm dead-sexy, baby.

[Matchett-PI]

I was SURE you were writing satire, ie: quoting someone who has a total self-focus and then wonders why he always winds up so unhappy.

[woollyone]

oh boy...now you've so done it!

you are in SO much trouble!

but I do agree that single mothers require a HIGHLY cautious approach for the reasons that you mentioned.

[qam1]

You may get flamed for your post, but not from me.

I figured I would, but my purpose of my post was to help a freeper see a mistake and not make it again, not start a flame war so I'm not going to respond to any flames. However, if you look at those responses and what's in them and more importantly what's not in them they are actually making my case.

Another piece of advice that will likely get me flamed, is

Rule #3 - A Church is the worst place to meet a woman.

Again, not my intent to start a flame war just I've moved around a lot, and in my experience in every town/neighborhood I lived in there's been 1 constant and that is there is always a church where single people congregate and the doings & shenanigans that take place at that church would make any veteran Hollywood soap opera writer blush. So I would be very cautious with any woman I met in a church.

And when that child resents you for coming inbetween you and her mother; when that child openly rebels against you because her mother is now sharing her love....I’m sure there are other good reasons why you should not date a single mother,

True, and you always have to worry about false abuse allegations and in Washington and maybe other states if the child comes to see you as a father figure you could end up still be financially responsible for the kid(s) if you break it off with the mother.

but what about single dads. Should a woman date a single dad???

I'm not a women or a single dad so I don't know, I would think it's different though, yeah, yeah double standard and all but that's life.

[jellybean]

Cyber hug, Laz.

Ephesians 6:10-16

10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

[Fawn]

I see your problem now. You’re all about looks. You will never be happy or satisfied. Woman do get old...plan on trading her in every 10 years? Got money?

[SweetCaroline]

Been there done that Laz. The hurting didn't stop until I prayed for God to take him out of my heart. Soon after I thought about him less and less, and my heart stopped aching.Only then did I see a clearer picture of what my life with him would have been like and it wasn't at all what I dreamed it would be. It's been years since I thought about him and when I do, I thank God for his help.

[Lazamataz]

I see your problem now. You’re all about looks. You will never be happy or satisfied. Woman do get old...plan on trading her in every 10 years? Got money?

I was kidding, but here: Yes, I do like a good looking woman.

The neat trick is, I can turn 'attractive' into 'Supermodel' in my head.

To me, Karen was a supermodel.

My friends now feel free to tell me that, while she was attractive, she wasn't NEARLY what I made her out to be.

I want someone pretty, of course. But the key is, pretty to me.

[Lazamataz]

Starting this very evening, I begin taking care of ME.

[socialismisinsidious]

I got flamed before b/c I think the same but from the other end of things. If I were to become a single mother I would never, ever date until my kids were grown. For the emotional reasons (it is too difficult on the kids no matter how great the guy is) and for the predator reasons. Ever notice how many little kids are beaten or killed by “mom’s boyfriend”?
Not worth the risk.

[fanfan]

Bump to Talon DJ’s post!

Everything I would have said, but better.

*HUG* Laz.

My DH has a crazy ex, you dodged a big one.

[Grizzled Bear]

Good job dodging that bullet FRiend!

This is why it's usually a very bad idea to rush into marriage. Especially if the other seems in a big hurry to do so, so you're married to them before you figure out who they really are!

[fanfan]

Should a woman date a single dad???

If I was able to do it all over again?

No.

[Responsibility2nd]

This....

This is what I believe.

Single mom or dad... whatever. You only get one shot. And if you blow it, or even if the other party is at fault, then for the sake of the children you remain single until they are grown and out of the house.

No dating, no marrying, no way.

[The SISU kid]

Laz,

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Good-bye.”

8^)

[The SISU kid]

FF (Favorite FReeper) ping!

Please come on over and ping Lazamataz to help brighten his day!

8^)

[Mr. Jazzy]

Amazing that you should post this ...

... On my ex-wife’s birthday.

[Lazamataz]

I don't hear any wishes for hot, really obscene, sweaty sex.

(tapping foot)

I'm still waiting for the wishes for hot, really obscene, sweaty sex!!!

[Lazamataz]

Well, she never SAID she was married to you.

In fact, she only was married once, back when she was like 19.