The Official Weekend Singles Thread

My 'assignment' for this special weekend singles thread was to outline what I believe are the ingredients of a long-term successful, loving marriage. Obviously, in the 'it takes two to tango' spirit, I engaged my adorable life-partner/incredible husband in the task, and together we compiled a list of recommendations and qualities that we believe have made our marriage work so well. Neither of us is perfect (especially me........he's close!), but we went into marriage with commitment and thought as well as love, and after 30 years we are more passionately in love than ever before, and are each other's deepest and most trusted friend.

We have grouped our thoughts in two categories.......considerations before marriage, and goals as part of marriage. There is nothing new nor revolutionary here, but we believe these things together have worked to make our marriage incredibly close, and a lot of fun. They are generally applicable, with some specific illustrative examples of our own relationship.

I. Important things to consider prior to marriage

So............these are the things that we both believe have helped make our marriage strong. The details may be different for others, but we believe the principles apply for every couple wanting to make their marriage really succeed. Some people say a good marriage takes 'work,' but we both disagree. We think that being married and trying to keep our marriage alive is great fun. It's God's plan, and it's awesome to be right in the middle of it!

Kate and Phil's Story of Love and Marriage

Phil and I first met back in the teen years when I started working at a local drive-in movie theatre where he was employed. There was a "no dating coworkers" policy and we were both into following (some) rules and didn't want to get fired, so we were just friends instead.

Apparently, we were both interested in each other, but too shy/insecure/whatever...to say anything, but we became friends.

I remember going to his house and he to mine when we were still in high school, but he was older and went off to college. During a few of his weekend visits, we went on a few dates, but then I didn't see him again for a good four or five years.

By then I was married AND pregnant, but ran into Phil at work, so it was strange (for both of us apparently) in the wishful thinking at that time. From time to time, I would go by his work and say hi when we were in town. By the time my marriage was definitely over (but I still had hopes of it not being over) Phil had gotten married and although his marriage was heading for over...neither of us was willing to admit that we were

separated from our spouses and divorces were filed.

We each went about our lives and once he changed jobs, I had no clue where he was. (Prior to that, where I would visit was a place where I would also visit my bestest high school friend's father as he worked in another department.)

Meanwhile, he had been looking for and looking up former classmates and one in particular that I also happened to know. This mutual friend had lived away from where we are now and I had all but given up talking to him ever again, when on a whim I looked him up in the phone book (kind of a one last time deal, as I couldn't remember Phil's last name, I didn't look him up and even if I remembered, I probably could have never spelled it...)

So, lo and behold, our mutual friend was listed and had been for a few years and I gave him a call. Meanwhile, between classmates.com and a high school reunion, Phil and our mutual friend had been talking and e-mailing, and Phil asked him if he knew how to get in contact with me, and the friend gave Phil my e-mail address.

So, our real official long-term dating was cyber dating as Phil had moved to TX and I was in Phoenix. We went from the occasional e-mail to IM and phone calls and that evolved to a long distance romance.

I went to Texas and lived with Phil for a year, but knew my heart was with my children and family. Phil was adamant about staying in TX.

Every time Phil asked me to marry him, I asked if he would consider moving to Phoenix. He kept saying no, so I returned to Phoenix.

When I ran away to safety and Phil's care I knew he loved me and would take care of me. When he let me go and let me move back to Phoenix to be with my children, I knew he loved me enough to let me go and be where I belonged.

When he asked me if I would marry him if he moved to Phoenix, he got the answer I wanted to give him all along.

We have been married just over four months and are still working on getting into a life and a routine in Phoenix and still feel like we are trying to get settled in, but we have come a long way together and are looking forward to many years of happiness and joy with my children and grandchild(ren).

For how long we have been friends, and the things we liked about each other, are still there.

Getting used to habits has been hard (I am secretive in general and I also kept a few government secrets for a long time that I don't keep secret any more), but by nature I just have never been a "talker", so that is changing.

He likes reality TV, my reality is like the TV show, "Medium." We both like "24" and wouldn't want it any other way.

We both enjoy sports and look forward to the Cowboys VS Cardinals game later this fall.

We managed to attend the same three schools of higher education, just never were both at any one at the same time.

I think the biggest piece of advice we can offer the single crowd is don't put yourself above dating anyone with "baggage" as you have clearly got "emotional baggage" in the form of selfishness. I know that God didn't make selfishness, but He did make caring and compassion. A heart of gold is worth far more than a free lunch...

When a heart of gold is the heart within, you will find someone for you with that exact same quality.

Did I mention that Phil also is conservative and was busy advocating for Bush before we started to discuss politics? I just loved sending him links to caption Kerry two summers ago.

Barb's Two Cents on Being a Newlywed and Some Advice on Cyberdating

Ahhhh...the bliss of being newly married! What joy! The birds are singing. The bees are buzzing. The flowers are blooming...

Okay, for me our honeymoon was a little different from most. Actually, our wedding was a little different from most. You see, hubby and I eloped (with 40 of our closest friends and relatives) in Reno in 2003—four weeks before he was to deploy to Iraq. We were already engaged, and had planned on a summer wedding, but one cold winter day, hubby got "the call", and three days later we found ourselves in Reno tying the knot.

Our honeymoon consisted of phone calls, emails, letters between here and Iraq—and lots of insomnia. At first it was strange being married to a man who was suddenly 6500 miles away, and it was even stranger that I could talk to him only when he was able to call me (every two to three weeks or so).

And so it went.

Our "real" honeymoon came 18 months later. We spent a week in Vegas (yeah, I know some folks find it a tacky place for a honeymoon, but hubby's never been, and I love the Luxor). We gambled, saw some of the shows, gambled, ate at the various restaurants, gambled, walked the Fremont Street Experience, gambled, got SMASHED in Quark's Bar and harassed a poor Borg and Klingon at the Hilton where they have the Star Trek Experience (we almost got kicked out—but we snapped some hilarious photos), and we gambled some more.

All fun and games aside, our marriage (going on year four now) is a very solid one. Hubby has a heart of gold, and I could not ask for a better man. I would have to say that absence made our marriage grow stronger. We still feel like newlyweds. We are like “kids” with each other. We are the two most happy-go-luckiest-people I know, on the planet.

Some advice on cyberdating.

Back in the day, I was the Queen of Cyberdating. I started meeting men online as far back as 1996. Match.com was the ONLY online dating site (with something like, 200 local members). It took a lot of chatting, meeting bozo after bozo, and dating horrible men who were nothing like their profiles before I realized I was doing everything wrong from the very beginning. By the time I met my hubby in a Yahoo chatroom by total accident (most of you know this story) 5 years later, I had finally learned some very big lessons.

That said, here are some of my do’s and don’ts when it comes to cyberdating:

Be honest about yourself in your profile, and post an accurate, recent picture of yourself. By all means, SMILE. If you don’t, you’ll look angry and unapproachable. Trust me. You’ll want a pic (or several pics) of yourself doing some favorite activity, and at least one nice head-and-shoulder shot.
Be concise and to the point when writing your profile. Be eloquent, and don’t ramble incessantly. Poetry is big turn-off for a lot of people. Unless you are a master, avoid poetry at all costs. You’ll put people to sleep. List your preferences accurately and pick people to chat with who are close to what you’re looking for. Don’t fall for an ultra-liberal America-hating chick…just because she’s really hot.
Try and meet someone who lives within driving distance. Unless you have the time and money to travel, stick to meeting your potential future spouse within a reasonable distance from you. Don’t fall in love with someone you can’t afford to fly out to meet.
Don’t fall in love with the very first nice looking person (whom you know nothing about) who gives you the time of day. Stick to your guns. If you’re looking for your future spouse, keep in mind all of the qualities you are looking for in that person. Don’t ever lose focus.
Sell yourself. Tell your potential future spouse what a great person you are. Don’t be negative or down about yourself. Don’t appear pathetic. Be yourself and put your best foot forward. If you don’t appear to be a reasonably healthy, happy, positive person you’ll scare people away. Trust me.

GIRLS: Meet your potential future spouse in a very public place. For your very first date, only meet for coffee or drinks where you can chat for as long or as short as you are comfortable with. It’s easier to split the scene quickly if you are just sipping something, and not in the middle of dinner or stuck with a loser date in the middle of a 3-hour flick. NEVER leave your drink unattended. Before you use the restroom, finish your drink, or order a new drink once you’re back to your table. By all means, drive yourself to your destination, DO NOT EVER let your date pick you up on your first date. Tell a friend, family member, someone—anyone—where you will be and when you should be home. Take your cell phone with you. Park in a visible area.

This is probably the toughest part about meeting your future spouse—know exactly what you are looking for and settle for nothing less. Do not fall in love with someone's potential, but for who they really are. This was the one mistake I made over and over. Don't ever meet someone and try and fix them later. Also, be realistic. Unless you’re a super hot daddy, don’t go looking for a super hot mama.

It took me years and years of dating the same type of loser with a different name, and one failed marriage to a closet alcoholic, before I finally ‘grew-up’ and decided I would not settle for anything less anymore. Period. I literally sat down and made a list of all the attributes I had to have in a man. In fact, what had happened was I learned the very long and hard way about everything I did not want in a guy through my own personal trial-and-error. (Mostly error.) It was only after this personal epiphany that I met my true-love. And it didn't take long.

Thanks for the reply. You do have a flair for writing.

I hope that you didn't take anything I said as endorsement of promiscuity. Personally, I think it would be wonderful if people remained sexually pure until marriage at a reasonable age and then remained faithful within marriage until death. I think that's a good model for what the "average" life should be. When I say that I wish I had been more active in pursuing relationships, I don't mean that I wish I had a string of sexual conquests. Instead, I mean that I wish I had developed the skills and employed those skills to find a wife when I was in my mid to late 20's. Given that I wasn't able to attain this ideal, I am willing to be more relaxed about some issues, but I'm not just looking for easy sex somewhere.

I don't think that living a pure, Christian life is a waste of time. I am saying that within a Christian life, one must still work to achieve those things that are "God's will." Do you believe that your having more "electronics/computer/science knowledge" is God's will? Do you believe that you need to read and study those topics in order to achieve that part of God's will or do you believe that this knowledge will just come to you one day while you are praying? I think that one needs to pursue knowledge in order to have knowledge. On everything but relationships, the church seems to understand this point. On relationships, the church seems to think that we should just expect things to happen by themselves.

I'm sorry that you've run into so many women who have been cruel or selfish towards you. That situation would be frustrating, but it's not the situation that I was trying to describe. For the most part, I've not been disappointed with the character of the women I've known over the years. There have been women that I liked as friends but simply couldn't return their feelings for me. There have been women for whom I had those feelings, but they could not return my feelings. My point is not to complain about the women who've been in my life.

My point is that maybe some of the women for whom I had feelings would have been able to return those feelings if I'd had more skill at talking to women and been more careful to let them see me in circumstances where I'm at my best. One of the big reasons that I wasn't able do these things is that the church had discouraged those kinds of pursuits. Instead, the church told me just to "wait on God" for the relationships to happen by themselves. I want to see this bad teaching broken so that others aren't harmed by it.

Maybe I have been spared some very painful times that I would have had in a bad marriage. On the other hand, the loneliness that I've experienced has been very painful as well. I'd like to think that there was at least one path in my life that would have led to a happy ending. The "pray and wait" strategy didn't put me on that path. I'm not saying that the "screw around like a stray cat" strategy would have put me on that path either. I'm saying that between those extremes was the way that I should have taken.

Bill

301 posted on 07/29/2006 11:33:40 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)

Nowdays, whenever someone, ESPECIALLY a kid, starts jabbering about global warming and needing to "cut back", I usually respond this way::

"OK-- so I guess you will give up your playstation, your Ipod, your computer, A/C,microwave, cellphone, dvd player, big screen, and no more running to the malls. After all-- you have to do your part, too!!

They usually respond with "no,. someone else can do that!!"

Then I say-- "the someone else's say that ,too!!. So, either do what I said, or just SHUT UP, and stop rambling about things you don't know anything about"!!

That usually takes care of things!!

302 posted on 07/29/2006 11:36:28 PM PDT by Rca2000 (I may be a prude, but at least I am CONSISTENT about my beliefs!!)

Wow. Cool. Welcome to our humble thread. Allow me to show you around.

(Fixing my hair, straightening my collar, checking my breath...)

303 posted on 07/29/2006 11:39:09 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")

I tend to find that the more guys 'look' for women, the less likely they are to find one.

I've heard many people say this. For many years, I tried to practice it. I now no longer believe it. I think that guys who are "playing the game" for the sake of playing the game are often more successful than guys who truly want to find someone worthwhile. In one sense, they aren't really "looking," but they are going through all of the steps of finding.

What type of things do you enjoy doing for fun?

I've traditionally enjoyed outdoor activities, but I had a problem with the heat in my kayak last year. I've found that the incident has put a pretty big dent in my physical confidence. Right now, I'm having a great deal of fun keeping snakes as pets. I've wanted a pet snake for as long as I can remember. I always put that desire aside because I thought it would be a little too much to ask a woman to adapt to pet snakes. Last year was when I finally decided that I'd never find someone, so I've been giving myself to this new hobby quite a bit.

Bill

304 posted on 07/29/2006 11:42:01 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)

LOL Thanks for the encouraging (and amusing) words.

305 posted on 07/29/2006 11:43:07 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)

(Fixing my hair, straightening my collar, checking my breath...)

I grabbed my mints too. By the way, you look great.

306 posted on 07/29/2006 11:45:26 PM PDT by iluvgeorgie (All great men are hated.)

I did. Nice country up there. Though there's not a lot on Madeline Island...

307 posted on 07/29/2006 11:47:02 PM PDT by rzeznikj at stout (ASCII and ye shall receive... (Computers 3:14))

Was in briefly to fix my phone...

Have to work tomorrow, so I'm headed off to bed...

308 posted on 07/29/2006 11:50:38 PM PDT by rzeznikj at stout (ASCII and ye shall receive... (Computers 3:14))

He wasn't going that route, he was trying to be scientific. I love replying like that too, but libs never seem to grasp the concept of 'cognitive dissonance'! They're our superiors afterall.

I love when the 'world traveller' libs get on their rant about SUV's. I don't even get into it with them, if I can avoid it. I'm thinking about starting an RNC Jar to put donation $$ in, for everytime I am fed their whining.

309 posted on 07/29/2006 11:50:47 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)

I think you have to be aggressive when you meet them, I was referring more to the 'bar going' crowd who seek gals.

Didn't know you were a paddler?? I'm not one for heat/humidity either. I'd prefer frostbite to sunburn.

What type of snakes do you have? I had a Colombian Boa as an undergrad.

310 posted on 07/29/2006 11:53:14 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)

Wow, thanks! We're off to a good start here.

Yes, I'm a hated man...and you know what that means.

311 posted on 07/29/2006 11:58:27 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")

Hi, iluvgeorgie!

Welcome to the Singles Thread!

312 posted on 07/29/2006 11:59:46 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)

Yes, I'm a hated man...and you know what that means. I once read a survey question that asked, "What would you rather be when you die: forgotten by all or hatefully remembered?" Guess what I chose. Lol.

313 posted on 07/30/2006 12:01:44 AM PDT by iluvgeorgie (All great men are hated.)

Anyway, allow me to be your official tour guide.

The singles thread is posted every weekend, starting Friday evening and lasting through late Sunday night. Because it's summer, the thread's been a tad slow lately. But I guess that's a seasonal thing.

Each week, we have a new person (a sort of guest host) post the thread and write all the stuff that goes up there. Usually we have "couples," or two people who post the thread together. Often it's a male and female, but we're having a bit of a female shortage lately, so guys have been paired with guys (myself included). We're assigned a theme each week, and as you can see, all the married people who come here regularly were the posters.

Mostly all that goes on in the thread is general chatting, but a lot of it has a romantic angle to it.

We have actually a real-life boyfriend/girlfriend couple who met on the singles thread, Rockinright and Hoodlum91.

Oh, and we have our own hot tub, too:

I don't know who those people in there are right now.

314 posted on 07/30/2006 12:05:26 AM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")

I'm guessing the correct answer is "Hatefully remembered." I'm with you on that.

I was referring to your tagline, "All Great Men are Hated."

315 posted on 07/30/2006 12:07:06 AM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")

Come now Phil, that's really you in the hot tub. Fess up.

316 posted on 07/30/2006 12:08:20 AM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)

You are correct.

That hot tub looks awfully cozy right now. Relaxing. Jumpin' in and making a splash. I think the last time I got in one was in October. I flew into Bismarck for a job interview, and I went to the pool room while taking a study break.

317 posted on 07/30/2006 12:13:55 AM PDT by iluvgeorgie (All great men are hated.)

To: Maximus_Ridiculousness

Well, I hope I wouldn't have that dorky of a grin.

318 posted on 07/30/2006 12:17:39 AM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")

Thanks for the clarification on the dating point. I now see much more what you were trying to say.

I first became interested in paddling in 1987. Unfortunately, I could never get into a situation where getting a boat was the right thing to do. Mostly, I could never afford a place to keep a boat. In 2000, I finally found that situation. I didn't paddle much until 2003, but I hit it pretty hard in 2003 and 2004. Last year wasn't so good for me, and this year is getting worse.

As a kid, I greatly prefered cold to heat, but I switched in the 90's. I was living in Oklahoma City and biking about 3000 miles a year. I'd come home from work with the temperature over 100 and get on the bike. I never had any problem with the heat. Strangely, I did start having some problems with being cold, but if I was able to prepare well, those problems never bothered me. Until last year, I never had that much problem with the heat while kayaking here in Louisiana. I'd go in the heat of the day and be fine. More recently, it's been more of a problem.

So far, I have only two ball pythons and a California kingsnake. I plan to get a thayeri kingsnake within the next month or so. I'm buying from an out-of-state breeder, and I don't think either of us wants to put a snake through shipping until the temperatures are a bit lower. Most snakes that die in transportation die of heat rather than cold. I also plan to get a crested gecko sometime soon. I know a local lady who breeds them, and they seem to be an easy species to keep.

Colombian boas are great snakes. If they didn't grow so large, I might have gotten into boas instead of ball pythons. What happened to yours?

Bill

319 posted on 07/30/2006 12:17:46 AM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)

And a complimentary towel will be provided, Ma'am.

Can't remember when the last time I got into a hot tub was. It's been a long time. I do remember turning as red as a lobster, though.

320 posted on 07/30/2006 12:20:46 AM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")

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