Posted on 07/28/2006 12:19:03 AM PDT by sully777
Phrases that sound innocent as well as dirty--depending on your mindset:
Petra told Ingrid, "You have a lovely rug."
Let's grab something at the golden arches.
St. Louis was once known as Mound City.
She was caught raising the flag this weekend.
The cavernous hole is wet with dew.
She favored wood as a golfer.
No one ever confused Lance as a wine sipper; hard stuff was his passion.
There was ecstatic joy as Marc Spitz lapped the pool several times in triumph, until he accidently fell into the mud.
We were in a tight spot as our camels' toes were stuck in the sand.
They sat silently, watching a Yankee game, when Bearnice cried out in delight, "Randy Johnson's pitches are high hard ones!" The girls nodded knowingly.
Shag was her favorite course in rug making at TCC's interior design class.
And the all-time classic:
If I tell you that's tight, will you hold that against me?
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
I've always liked that picture!
Where's mine?
>Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
>pals.
>
>He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid, and tiptoed as
>quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
>but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
>banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
>whiskey in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
>
>Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
>the mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
>
>He managed to find a full box of band-aids and using them as best as he
>could on everywhere he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid
>box and shuffled and tumbled his way to bed.
>
>In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and his
>butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
>
>She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"
>
>Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
>
>"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
>broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
>trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
>it's all those band-aids on the hall mirror.
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You scored as Navy. Accerlerate your life with the U.S. Navy. Not only will you find the most advanced ships in the world in the Navy, but probably the most diverse way of life in all of the Armed Forces. You could visit foreign ports, work on naval fighters, or even spend your term undersea in one the nation's numerous submarines.
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You scored as Marines. Semper Fi. You are a true Marine. You are the nation's most devastating fighting force, barring Special Forces. But your place was not easy to get. You endured the harshest basic training of any Armed Force to get where you are, and your reward is the respect and admiration of everyone else (except maybe the Air Force, who may view you as just a dumb grunt. Perhaps it's true, but you just want to fight).
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Jury Duty Dooty I am a criminal attorney, and was recently called to jury duty. For most people, jury duty is just an annoyance, but for young attorneys, it's a great chance to chat with lots of potential new clients, introduce myself to fellow attornies, and maybe even impress a judge that I could appear before in the near future. We were called into a fairly small but traditionally adorned courtroom for jury selection, with wood on all of the walls, wooden chairs, the whole bit. Were were each given the usual questions, introducing ourselves one by one, going down the line as we were seated in the jury box. When it came my turn, I suddenly had to burp, so I stayed silent for a second, hoping it would pass. All eyes were on me, waiting to hear me speak. Suddenly, a huge fart comes CAREENING out of my butt, before I could stop it, echoing loudly throughout the courtroom, amplified by my wooden oak chair!!! I turned red, gave a fake name, and was the first person dismissed by the panel. I went home immediately, without even completing my jury duty!
My wife & I were in Walmart one day & I felt a big fart building and rumbling in my gut. I looked around... saw no one anywhere and I let it rip. It was loud and smelled so bad it would gag a maggot on a gut wagon. My wife grabs my arm and pulls me a few aisles away and I ask her why she pulled me away. She has me turn around and look where we were standing & there on her knees by a clothing rack was this poor lady taking clothes out of a box & her face wasn't a fot away from my ass when I farted. Yes I was getting dirty looks from her.
The Sick Note
Listen to the song here: http://www.chivalry.com/cantaria/sounds/sick-note.mp3
Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today
While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.
Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.
So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below
Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.
Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.
The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
Yikes!
I had it ordered from a guy I know in Latvia...he had to do a little cutting, though...
ROFL! You bet your booty!
Hopefully it isn't a $2,000 booty...
A two grand double dog dare?
10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all."
9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'"
8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling."
7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party."
6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for."
5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes."
4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches."
3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state."
2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election."
1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."
The Top 13 Reasons to Go to Work Naked
Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
You want to see if it's like the dream.
So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
Because setting the nation's monetary policy and keeping Andrea Mitchell satisfied requires a delicate balance.
Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.
and the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...
Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town.
The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
You've got Windows on your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your dork is ajar.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
I can see your Gap dancers.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has left the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir.
Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I see you have an opening in senior management.
and the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
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