Posted on 07/28/2006 12:19:03 AM PDT by sully777
Phrases that sound innocent as well as dirty--depending on your mindset:
Petra told Ingrid, "You have a lovely rug."
Let's grab something at the golden arches.
St. Louis was once known as Mound City.
She was caught raising the flag this weekend.
The cavernous hole is wet with dew.
She favored wood as a golfer.
No one ever confused Lance as a wine sipper; hard stuff was his passion.
There was ecstatic joy as Marc Spitz lapped the pool several times in triumph, until he accidently fell into the mud.
We were in a tight spot as our camels' toes were stuck in the sand.
They sat silently, watching a Yankee game, when Bearnice cried out in delight, "Randy Johnson's pitches are high hard ones!" The girls nodded knowingly.
Shag was her favorite course in rug making at TCC's interior design class.
And the all-time classic:
If I tell you that's tight, will you hold that against me?
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You scored as Marines. Semper Fi. You are a true Marine. You are the nation's most devastating fighting force, barring Special Forces. But your place was not easy to get. You endured the harshest basic training of any Armed Force to get where you are, and your reward is the respect and admiration of everyone else (except maybe the Air Force, who may view you as just a dumb grunt. Perhaps it's true, but you just want to fight).
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David Letterman's Top Ten expressions that sound dirty but really aren't
10. Frosting the Pastry
9. Shooting Hoops
8. Jumping the Turnstile
7. Checking Your Oil
6. Tethering the Blimp
5. Sending Out for Sushi
4. Picnic on the Grass
3. Quarter-Pounder at the Golden Arches
2. Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
1. Wind-Surfing on Mount Baldy
This one had me LOL!
US PGA Commentator "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God !!! What have I just said ?!!!"
Metro Radio "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
And finally from a newsroom...
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"
"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
"Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Sorry about the mess..."
"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
"You've got something jammed in here real good."
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"
"And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
"Possible he came in through the south entrance."
"I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
"Hurry up, golden-rod..."
"That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
"But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
"Control, control! You must learn control!"
"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"
"Rise, my friend."
"Open the back door!"
"Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
"It's just a dead animal..."
"Not bad for a little furball."
"How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
"Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
"Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
"I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
"I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."
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You scored as Marines. Semper Fi. You are a true Marine. You are the nation's most devastating fighting force, barring Special Forces. But your place was not easy to get. You endured the harshest basic training of any Armed Force to get where you are, and your reward is the respect and admiration of everyone else (except maybe the Air Force, who may view you as just a dumb grunt. Perhaps it's true, but you just want to fight).
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Confucious say: "Man with hot rod burn rubber!"
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy curtains, a pair, in pink."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print fabric. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room -- they're for her computer monitor.
The astonished salesman replies, "But miss...computers don't need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! My computer's got Windoooooows!"
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your arse look fat.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic !!
Poor old Johnny Ray
Sounded sad upon the radio, he moved a million hearts in mono.
Our mothers cried and sang along and who'd blame them.
Now you're grown, so grown, now I must say more than ever.
Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye
And we can sing just like our fathers.
Come on Eileen, (I swear, well, he means...)
At this moment you mean
Everything,
With you in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Ah, come on Eileen.
These people round here wear beaten down eyes
Sunk in smoke dried faces they're so resigned to what their fate is,
But not us, no not us we are far too young and clever.
Remember Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye
Eileen, I'll hum this tune forever.
Come on Eileen, (I swear, well, he means...)
Ah, come on, let's take off
Everything,
That pretty red dress,
Eileen (Tell him yes)
Ah, come on, let's,
Ah, come on Eileen,
Please . . .
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You scored as Air Force. Cross into the blue, soldier, because you belong in the U.S. Air Force. With technology that is years ahead of anyone else, your service has reigned supreme and undefeated in the skies since the late 60s. But you tend to be looked down upon by other branches as elitist and even a little cowardly.
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You scored as Navy. Accerlerate your life with the U.S. Navy. Not only will you find the most advanced ships in the world in the Navy, but probably the most diverse way of life in all of the Armed Forces. You could visit foreign ports, work on naval fighters, or even spend your term undersea in one the nation's numerous submarines.
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try this for instant double meanings.
http://walkingdead.net/perl/euphemism
Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd-shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish.
"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't think of anything that I really need," says Igor.
"Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."
So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can't find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could p**s Vodka."
"Very well," says the Genie, "P**sing Vodka you shall have."
The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to p**s in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.
"This is the best Vodka I've ever tasted!" Igor exclaims. "Thank you."
The Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses and p**ses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself.
"This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him.
So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, p**ses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night, he comes home from work but only p**ses Vodka into one glass.
When he enters the den, Raisa asks him,"Where is my drink dear Igor."
"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."
Kevin Spacey has nothing but good words for oversized African poultry. He loves big black cocks.
Michael Barrymore is going to dress up as the robot from Futurama for Hallowe'en. He's a total Bender.
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