Click here for YouTubes's Folger's Happy Morning Commercial
Posted on 07/21/2006 12:04:46 AM PDT by sully777
Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.
Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.
Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).
Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.
Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'
Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.
Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.
Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.
Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.
Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.
SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)
GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.
Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).
Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.
Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.
Real Men of Genius - Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer
http://www.coolchat.net/rmog/index.php?play=20
I'm in one of those moods. Think I'm going to join a club of some kind. Will it be the Red Hat Society or Civitan? I can't decide.
It's just so flipping hot right now, and we have an alert for whatever it is in the air. Can't go outside. Cabin fever.
< rant >
Thank you for your ear. It was delightful!
There's no place that I'd rather be than right here,
With my red neck, white socks and Blue Ribbon beer.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind. By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.
Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"
Wellllll...I don't like coffee, so............
Tear Gas.
YOMANK
I can't let my hubby see one of those. Kitties don't even like to be crated. Ouch!!
* AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
* AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
* ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
* AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
* ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
* BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
* BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
* CARELESS : Farts in church
* CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
* CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
* CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
* CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
* CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
* DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
* DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
* DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
* DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own
* ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
* FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
* FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
* GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart *HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
* IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
* LAZY : Just fizzles
* MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
* MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
* MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell
* NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
* PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
* SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
* SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts
* SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
* SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
* SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
* SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
* SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
* STINGY : Belches to save his a$$-hole
* STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
* THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
* TIMID : Jumps when he farts
* UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but sh*ts himself
* VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart
* WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
* WISE GUY : Farts and asks who sh*t
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