Click here for YouTubes's Folger's Happy Morning Commercial
Posted on 07/21/2006 12:04:46 AM PDT by sully777
Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the
hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
HOLD IT............there's More....................
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,
"What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of TEXAS !!
Que Velvet Underground
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
Time for some engineer jokes....
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
Yikes!
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE CONSTIPATED MATHAMETICAN WHO
"WORKED IT OUT WITH A PENCIL"
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."
What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?
Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
Not here, it's 100%. At 98% your sweat never evaporates, you just steam in it. So you feel like a batch of steamed vegetables.
Is that a true quote? I knew Nugent is funny and sharp, but that is priceless.
An optimist says that the glass is half full.
A pessimist says that the glass is half empty.
An engineer says that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
Think I'll be happy to just stay here in the desert (oven). Must be hard to breathe underwater??
Sounds like him though.
Cosby said,
Those of you with children, you'll understand....
As Adam and Eve were being kicked out of the Garden of Eden, God said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply."
This was not a blessing, this was a curse.
Because children all have BRAIN DAMAGE!!!!
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