Official Silliness Thread Salutes The World of Odd Humor

Southerners are sick and tired of hearing about how
dumb they are........ So they challenge any so-called
smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the
Georgia Tech Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford
Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac
GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how
many car radiators are required to condense the
finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut
down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out on
the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that the
truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd
shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

Guess you're not smart enough to be from the South

Subject: Comprehending Engineers
Stories only an engineer can find funny.

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a
word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone
else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in
the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on
a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. They got
it!!

One chalk mark $ 1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

This new element is found in rich veins at government buildings and nuclear power plants.......

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The new element was tentatively named Administratium. It has no protons and no electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice-neutrons, and 161 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together by a force that involves constant exchange of a special class of particle called morons.

Since it does not have electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction took less than one second.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, after which it does not normally decay but instead undergoes a complex nuclear process called "Reorganization". In this little-understood process, assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons appear to exchange places. Early results indicate that atomic mass actually increases after each "Reorganization".

You Might Be an Engineer if:

1. Dilbert is your hero

2. Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

3. You can name 6 Star Trek episodes

4. The only jokes you receive are through e-mail

5. You want RAM memory for Christmas

6. You introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife

7. Your wristwatch has more computing power than a p-90

8. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

9. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

10. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

11. Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

12. You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

13. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

14. You window shop at Radio Shack

15. Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

16. You have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area

17. You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

18. You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

19. You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

20. You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

21. You know the direction the water swirls when you flush

22. You own “Official Star Trek” anything

23. You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

24. A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

25. You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

26. You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

27. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

28. You have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”

29. You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

30. The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

31. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

32. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

33. Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

34. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

35. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

36. You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

37. You need a checklist to turn on the TV

38. You have introduced your kids by the wrong name

39. Your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

40. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

41. You see a good design and still have to change it

42. You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

43. You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

44. You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

45. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

46. The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

47. People groan at the party when you pick out the music

48. You have more toys than your Kids

49. You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

50. Your checkbook always balances

51. You've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

52. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

53. You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

54. Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

55. You know what http:/ stands for

56. Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

57. You thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers

58. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

59. You spend more on your home computer than your car

60. You did the sound system for your senior prom

61. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

62. Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

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