Subject: Comprehending Engineers
Stories only an engineer can find funny.
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
This new element is found in rich veins at government buildings and nuclear power plants.......
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The new element was tentatively named Administratium. It has no protons and no electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice-neutrons, and 161 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together by a force that involves constant exchange of a special class of particle called morons.
Since it does not have electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction took less than one second.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, after which it does not normally decay but instead undergoes a complex nuclear process called "Reorganization". In this little-understood process, assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons appear to exchange places. Early results indicate that atomic mass actually increases after each "Reorganization".
You Might Be an Engineer if:
1. Dilbert is your hero
2. Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
3. You can name 6 Star Trek episodes
4. The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
5. You want RAM memory for Christmas
6. You introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife
7. Your wristwatch has more computing power than a p-90
8. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
9. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
10. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
11. Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
12. You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
13. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
14. You window shop at Radio Shack
15. Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
16. You have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area
17. You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
18. You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
19. You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
20. You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
21. You know the direction the water swirls when you flush
22. You own “Official Star Trek” anything
23. You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
24. A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
25. You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
26. You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
27. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
28. You have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”
29. You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
30. The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
31. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
32. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
33. Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
34. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
35. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
36. You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
37. You need a checklist to turn on the TV
38. You have introduced your kids by the wrong name
39. Your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
40. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
41. You see a good design and still have to change it
42. You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
43. You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
44. You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
45. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
46. The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
47. People groan at the party when you pick out the music
48. You have more toys than your Kids
49. You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
50. Your checkbook always balances
51. You've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
52. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
53. You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
54. Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
55. You know what http:/ stands for
56. Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
57. You thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers
58. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
59. You spend more on your home computer than your car
60. You did the sound system for your senior prom
61. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
62. Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate