Your husband doesn’t have to earn your respect

I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.

I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.

She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.

She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.

I’ve discussed at length how men should treat women. I’ve written about the lessons I plan to teach my son; lessons about how he should love, honor, respect, serve, and protect the women in his life. Indeed, men need to respect women, and we, as men, are far from perfect in that regard.

Those posts — the ones where I call on us men to improve the way we treat women — tend to be very popular. They’re popular when I write them or when anyone writes them. Proclaim that women, mothers, and wives should be respected, and a chorus will shout ‘amen.’ Every day on Facebook brings us another viral post excoriating men and supporting women. I’ve written a few of them myself.

But I’ve noticed that the corollary – a message about the respect women must give men, a message challenging wives and encouraging husbands – isn’t quite so palatable for many people. Disrespect for men has become standard practice. That scene I witnessed was sad but unremarkable; we’ve all watched that kind of thing play out a thousand times over.

Men are disrespected by their wives – they’re disrespected publicly, they’re disrespected privately, they’re disrespected and then told that they have no right to be upset about it because they aren’t worthy of respect in the first place.

Disrespect for men is a joke to us now. A little while ago I stopped on the way home from work to buy my wife some flowers. As she rang me up, the cashier quipped: “Uh-oh, what’d you do?” I wasn’t particularly amused, but I chuckled. She continued. “I don’t know if this’ll be enough to get you off the couch tonight!”

Ah, yes, the old “husband is punished by his wife and sent to the couch” meme. I’m not sure if this actually happens in real life, or if it’s an invention of 90′s “all men are fat, witless, oafs” sitcoms, but the popularity of the stereotype is telling. Is this how we see husbands now? A man gets “in trouble” with his wife, she scolds him and puts him in time-out on the couch. Now he has to placate his alpha-bride by showering her with flowers and jewelry.

Men are painted like children or dogs. They can be shooed off of their own beds by their wives and sent to cower in the living room until she permits him to return. This is only slightly less offensive than the cliché of the sadistic wife who punitively withholds sex from her husband. “You didn’t clean the garage like I told you. No sex for you, mister! Next time, follow my instructions!”

A worthless, grunting, Neanderthal of a husband instantly “evolves” when his wife plugs a contraption into his back. The ad caused a slight dust up when they released it, but nothing — NOTHING — like it would have if the husband and wife had switched roles in this charming piece of viral marketing.

But with men on the receiving end, a few people complained, some angry Youtube comments were posted, Samsung sales were unscathed, and everyone quickly moved on with their lives.

These cultural messages aren’t harmful because they hurt my manly feelings; they’re harmful because of what they do to young girls. Society tells our daughters that men are boorish dolts who need to be herded like goats and lectured like school boys. Then they grow up and enter into marriage wholly unprepared and unwilling to accept the Biblical notion that “wives should submit to their husbands” because “the husband is the head of the wife.” [Ephesians 5]

It is a fatal problem, because the one thing that is consistently withheld from men and husbands — respect — is the one thing we need the most.

Yes, need. We need respect, and that need is so deeply ingrained that a marriage cannot possibly survive if the man is deprived of it.

Often, people will say that a husband should only be respected if he “earns” it. This attitude is precisely the problem. A wife ought to respect her husband because he is her husband, just as he ought to love and honor her because she is his wife. Your husband might “deserve” it when you mock him, berate him, belittle him, and nag him, but you don’t marry someone in order to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.

This doesn’t mean that a man has a license to be lazy, or abusive, or uncaring. He is challenged to live up to the respect his wife affords him. If his wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing for which to strive. As the respect diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. Respect is wielded like a ransom against him, and he grows more isolated and distant all the while.

They both swirl in circles around the drain. He fails, so she gives him no respect, and then he continues to fail because he feels disrespected, and she continues to give him no respect because he continues to fail. And so on, and so on, and so on, all the way to the divorce attorney.

The same thing happens with love. If love is unconditional, then the light of love always shines in your marriage, even in its darkest times. But if your love is given in direct proportion to your spouse’s ability to “earn” it, then it will inevitably diminish and fade over time.

Love in a marriage is, as people often point out, a choice. But it’s also a duty. So is respect. I love my wife because I choose to love her. I choose to love her because that is the vow I made; it is my charge, my warrant. Luckily, it’s usually pretty easy to love my wife because she’s kind, warmhearted, and beautiful. But if she becomes less kind, and I withdraw my love because of it, then my love was never love to begin with. It was just a pleasant feeling; a natural response to her nicer tendencies.

This is not to say that women should tolerate a man who fails in his duties, but that her intolerance for his failures can only be constructive if it is rooted in respect. Sadly, many women will approach their husbands and say: “You need to stop doing such and such or start doing such and such, because you’re a failure and I don’t respect you.”

She might not explicitly state this, but it is the message she implicitly sends. There is zero chance that this message will help to heal the damage; it only plunges another dagger into the already gaping wound.

A few months ago I wrote a post about pornography. I stand by every word I typed, but I feel like I could add another couple thousand sentences to the end of it. Ever since I published that piece, I have heard from hundreds and hundreds of men and women on both sides of the porn problem.

Men emailed to tell me that they developed a porn habit and it did great damage to their marriage. But they told me that they resorted to porn after years of being disrespected, shunned and belittled by their wives. They weren’t making an excuse — only offering some perspective and context.

And hundreds of women told me that their husbands developed a porn habit and it caused them to lose all respect for them. This inability to respect their husbands nearly, or in some cases completely, wrecked their marriage.

A vicious cycle. The men didn’t want to fight for a marriage if they weren’t respected, and the women didn’t want to respect men who wouldn’t fight for their marriage. He withholds his love, she withholds her respect. They’ve both set fire to the thing that needs to be fixed.

Respect is our language. If it isn’t said with respect, we can’t hear it. This is why nagging is ineffective and self defeating. This is why statements made in sarcastic tones, or with rolling eyes, will never be received well. We have a filter in our brains, and a statement made in disrespect will be filtered out like the poison it is.

Men are notoriously reluctant to share feelings or display vulnerability. Many times, we keep those inner thoughts locked away — our feelings guarded and hidden — because we know we are not respected. A man will never be vulnerable to someone who doesn’t respect him. Never.

A man isn’t satisfied or content if he isn’t respected. If he can’t find respect where he is, he will seek it somewhere else. This can have disastrous implications for a relationship, but it applies in other areas of life as well. A man is much more likely to stay in a low paying job, a physically demanding job, a dangerous job, or a tedious job, than a job where he isn’t respected.

I’m only emphasizing this because I think it might actually be news to some people. Society does not permit men to be vocal about their need for respect, so the need is often ignored.

I could sit here all day adding “yes, but husbands also need to…” disclaimers. I won’t, because I’ve probably written a dozen or more times on that subject. Every once in a while, I think we should talk about what wives need to do. And here it is. This, above all else. Respect your husbands. Even when he doesn’t deserve it.

He mentions a lack of respect and also porn, but the proximate cause for both is the same thing: children are no longer socialized to the other gender while growing up.

Girls and boys learn about the other gender by watching ridiculous comedies and dramas, and by looking at porn. What could possibly come of this? Instead, children need to be raised from a young age with children of the other gender.

And they need to be chaperoned while doing so. The purpose of this is for them to become socialized with each other, something that does not happen in school or church, because adults in both cases are compelling them to do other things that take up all of their time.

If you want a real life illustration of the problem, look at dogs that are not raised with other dogs, but with people. When they are mature, they still want to mate, but at the same time, the dogs they want to mate with are not of their “pack”, so are seen as outsiders, or even as enemies.

Most children are raised this way, strongly segregated from the opposite gender and kept busy, then at the age of 17 or 18 they are *expected* to spontaneously start dating, and a few years later get married, and have children.

In the vast majority of cases, this will NOT happen, or if it does, it will be a parody of a marriage that will fall apart. Which happens a lot. Resentment will exist on both sides, as well as bitterness, a lack of understanding or sympathy, and awful expectations.

Oh, yes, that is the “porn” part. Even married porn stars say that their real relationships at home are nothing like how it is portrayed in porn.

I hate to complain, but that’s my experience. My wife constantly complains that housework is too hard and that she can’t keep up with it and that I don’t understand. She offers to switch for a day so I can see how hard it is. I work M-F, but also take care of house maintenance, yard work, and cars. I suppose I have to keep house, too.

I come home to a mess every evening and rarely do I have a meal. Her friends tell her its unreasonable for me to expect that. We have 2 children, both out of diapers and pretty independent.

She always says, “I’m sorry the house is such a mess. I just couldn’t get it all done today. We just got home. I took the girls to the pool, then we went to McDonalds, then we went to my friends house so the kids could play. We got talking and I lost track of time.”

I’m a neat person and I’m at wits end as to what to do.

Most men are perfectly ok with the “sacrificial” death of themselves to save their wife. However, the majority of us are not called to do that. We are called to give ourselves up in little ways - not eat that fourth slice of pizza; not drink to excess, and if you can’t do that, don’t drink; not smoke; etc. That’s the stuff that harder to deal with.

And if ones wife has decided for the ‘no-sex’ thing, and the respect has dropped to near zero, the impact to a man’s soul is crushing. The devil rejoices in that marriage.

/speaking from experience

“She always says, “I’m sorry the house is such a mess. I just couldn’t get it all done today. We just got home. I took the girls to the pool, then we went to McDonalds, then we went to my friends house so the kids could play. We got talking and I lost track of time.”

I’m a neat person and I’m at wits end as to what to do.”

Sorry that you are at wit’s end. Reading your post made me conclude:
She couldn’t get it all done because SHE DIDN’T WANT TO GET IT ALL DONE. Too busy having fun. Pool vs taking care of things. She went to her friends house so SHE COULD PLAY
WITH HER FRIEND.
As a working mom of two (both now wonderful young adults), I taught them that we don’t play until the necessary family jobs get done. They learned to help so we could have fun.
Children have to learn that family chores are important. It’ll help them learn to manage their lives as they get older.

I know it’s hard but it’s time to have a long talk. Look to her upbringing...did her mom do everything for her so she
never learned to manage her chores?

good luck

If men did the first, women would do the second.

But, I see the failure even here. Men disrespecting their wives by ogling other women, guilty or not responses on FR. That woman let herself go, etc.

When men misbehave and fail, neglecting their roles and responsibilities, women will do likewise.

I think the most important part of your post is that it requires daily refreshment. Seek God’s support and guidance, daily.

That’s the stuff that harder to deal with.

Yes, it is. And it's certainly easier to be a good husband when your wife is being a good wife.

The devil rejoices in that marriage.

The Enemy despises marriage, and does everything he can to ruin it ... counterfeiting it with queers, sabotaging it with selfishness, poisoning it with contempt ... may God grant us all the grace to persevere in love.

the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.
She disagreed with everything he said.
She contradicted nearly every statement.
She nagged him.
She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.
She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.
It was excruciating.
It was tragic.

This is where a decent human would have calmly addressed them both, then told the husband and wife clearly that any sane person would divorce such an abusive spouse, and would stay clear of them henceforth and forever. It would be the same if the abuse went the other way, or it it went both ways at different times.

If men did the first, women would do the second.

Not necessarily. Either can disobey the Lord on their roles. There is no guarantee.

The point is that when one starts on their role, it is hoped the other will pick up on their role. Sometimes counseling can help, sometimes not. It depends also on whether the other is willing to listen and make an effort also.

Either the man or the woman can initiate to get their relationship out of the crazy cycle by going to the Lord to do their own role in the relationship. Doing so enhances their chances to get out of the crazy cycle but it does not guarantee it.

Not trying to excuse your wife, because I don’t know the entire story. Just sharing my situation. Hubby got laid off last fall, now pretty much retired. First time he’s ever not worked in his life. He has commented on how easy it is for the day to get away from him. And he’s not sitting around watching TV during the day. He’s said by the time he’s cleaned up breakfast dishes, done a couple chores around the house, checked email, if he has to run a couple errands, next thing he knows, I’m walking in the door after work, and he doesn’t know where the day went. I told him he should try it with two toddlers wrapped around your knees. He admits he now has a lot more sympathy for stay at home moms. Time management is a learned trait. Hubby is discovering there’s a need for time management even in retirement.

I don’t disagree that sin is going to cause failure in the process. But, if a man is wondering why a woman is not respecting him, what is he doing to show her he loves her like Christ loves the Church?

The command is to men first, and in their role as head of household they must lead.

How many men do you know that openly love their wives as Christ loved the church?

I can name them on my fingers. My dad did a wonderful job. My brothers do not impress me; one brother in particular was horrible to his wife, picking on her about the littlest things.

There have been a few pastors of churches I attended that are wonderful examples.

There are two men I work with here that I have no doubt treat there wives this way even though I have never met their families. Why do I know this - because of the way they behave at work.

How many men do you know that openly love their wives as Christ loved the church?

Sorry, it's a command and not optional. Since, it's that tough, we need to go to the Lord and ask out of our spiritual poverty.

The command to respect the husband is also not optional and just as difficult for the women. They have to go to God and ask for it, humbly, as well.

The Good news is that God hears these prayers said in His name and by faith and very frequently grants them.

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