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Keyword: satire

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  • CAIR Criticizes Trump’s “Extreme Vetting” Proposal [semi-satire]

    08/21/2016 10:41:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    The Council on American–Islamic Relations (CAIR) sharply criticized GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s promise to exercise “extreme vetting” of immigrants from terror-plagued regions of the world, calling it “unconstitutional.” CAIR spokesman Iman Aswad declared that “Trump’s vetting would interfere with the free exercise of our religion. Islam is not like Christianity or Judaism. Our faithful are bound to fight against unbelievers. Trump’s idea that the government can screen out those who are committed to this fight discriminates against one, and only one religion: Islam. As such it is unconstitutional under American law.” “It is also impermissible under sharia law,” Aswad...
  • Trump's Pitch to Black Americans Called Flawed [semi-satire]

    08/20/2016 7:00:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's bid for Black votes was labeled "flawed" by his critics. In a speech in Wisconsin this week Trump maintained that Democratic policies have worsened the plight of minorities. This view was assailed by Democrats and their media supporters. "Trump's contention that minorities are the foremost victims of the breakdown in law and order doesn't excuse his failure to reach out to the Black Lives Matter group," contended CNN talking head Carol Costello. "By refusing to bring BLM inside the tent he leaves them no option but to burn down neighborhoods, beat white folks, and agitate...
  • Trump Visit to Louisiana Disaster Area Panned by Dems [semi-satire]

    08/19/2016 5:07:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Aug 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's visit to flood ravaged areas of Louisiana was panned by Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest as "a virtual usurpation of President Obama's prerogative. Everyone knows that it is the President's right to visit and comfort the afflicted. That a non-office holder like Trump would ignore this right demonstrates a dangerous overreach." Earnest contrasted Trump's unauthorized visit with President Obama's 2012 visit to hurricane damaged New Jersey, which he characterized as "in line with the accepted protocols of such events. As we saw then, Republican Governor Christie welcomed the President's attention. In Louisiana, though, Governor Edwards...
  • There is no reason for Hillary to continue campaigning. "We've won, look at the polls" (Satire)

    08/16/2016 1:34:10 PM PDT · by GeorgiaDawg32 · 45 replies
    Liberal Lunacy ^ | 8/16/2016 | Liberal Lunacy Staff/REM
    An anonymous staffer with the DNC issued this statement today: "We have looked at the data and have determined the race is already over. Hillary Clinton has an insurmountable lead and will win the Presidency in landslide fashion". "We therefore see no reason to continue campaigning, giving Hillary a lot of time to rest and prepare for her 2 terms as President of the United States. Her relentless campaigning up until now has proved fruitful. Let Trump have his rallies with thousands of people. We don't care. We will win. Trump is the Republican version of Bernie Sanders. He can...
  • Muslims Test Intimidation Tactic [semi-satire]

    08/16/2016 10:40:52 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    Parishioners of St. Andrew Orthodox Church in Riverside California have been treated to shouts of "Allahu Akbar" from bullhorn wielding Muslims during weekly services. Inasmuch as Allahu Akbar is what Islamic fanatics shout while murdering unbelievers, the church goers are understandably concerned. Father Josiah Trenham called the shouted slogan "intimidating. We're trying to hold weekly services. The noise is disruptive and one fears worse. Will it be safe to leave church after the service? Will men with guns or bombs invade the church? What can we do to safely practice our faith." Local police officer Ryan Railsback held out little...
  • Surge in Guns Alarms Democrats [semi-satire]

    08/15/2016 9:46:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    The number of Americans with concealed carry gun permits has surged by more than 200% since Obama became president. There are now more than 14 million authorized to carry concealed firearms. Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) called this trend "frightening in the extreme. We ought to be reducing the number of people carrying weapons, not increasing them. Reversing this trend has got to be a focal point for Democrats in this election cycle. Ideally, only police ought to be carrying firearms. Making sure the right person is elected president will be crucial to achieving this goal." The notion that an increase...
  • More Top Democrats’ Emails Hacked [semi-satire]

    08/14/2016 10:00:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    The recent release of emails hacked from the Democratic National Committee may be only the tip of an ice berg of embarrassing revelations of secrets Party big shots wish would have stayed hidden. The FBI estimates that the email accounts of more than 100 top Party officials may have been compromised. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called the breach “as dangerous a threat to America as the Watergate scandal. The privacy of the leaders of the Democratic Party has been severely damaged.” Earlier disclosures from the DNC hack showed unseemly behavior by officials to rig the primary election in...
  • [Satire] McCain Assails Trump's Crediting Obama & Clinton for Rise of ISIS

    08/12/2016 5:03:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 August 2016 | John Semmens
    Arizona Senator John McCain (R) took issue with GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump's statement that President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were co-founders of ISIS. "President Obama may have given the final decision to back these guys based on Secretary Clinton's recommendation, but I was the one on the ground in Syria who met with them before they were big," McCain pointed out. "Were it not for my preliminary work the later steps taken by Obama and Clinton wouldn't have been possible. So, I think it's only fair that I receive some recognition for the historic rise of...
  • EEOC Orders Employers to Crack Down on "Anti-Social" Political Views [semi-satire]

    08/08/2016 12:56:15 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ordered employers to crack down on employees daring to wear t-shirts or caps with the "Don't Tread on Me" slogan. The slogan traces back to the American Revolution. "What may have been appropriate as an expression of resistance against British subjugation in 1776 is completely inappropriate today," claims EEOC Chairwoman Jenny Yang. "Our government is a democratically elected government. It is not treading on anyone. From time to time our government may have to guide people toward correct thought and behavior. There is no individual right of resistance against this guidance. There is no...
  • Hillary Latches onto Winning Issues [semi-satire]

    08/08/2016 11:24:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid to boost her post-convention momentum, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton latched onto two ideas her campaign believes will finally put her over the top. One idea is to appoint outgoing President Obama to the first Supreme Court vacancy available. "One of the things that has got to be depressing a lot of Americans is the prospect of losing the talents of the most extraordinary man to have ever held the presidency," Hillary observed. "While term limits may force him out of his current position the nation could retain his services for decades if we can get him...
  • CHRISTIAN TIMES NEWSPAPER BREAKING: Hillary has tongue cancer, doctor admits

    08/07/2016 11:34:17 PM PDT · by Secret Agent Man · 85 replies
    CHRISTIAN TIMES NEWSPAPER ^ | 8/1/2016 | ADMIN1
    After last week’s Democratic National Convention, new rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton’s health may not be exactly as she claims. New pictures suggest that the Democratic presidential nominee may have symptoms of Oropharyngeal cancer, and a world-class oncologist has agreed
  • Completion of I-22 could trigger apocalypse

    08/07/2016 11:10:27 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 22 replies
    AL.com ^ | April 19-20, 2016 | Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich
    Just as construction crews were putting the finishing touches on Interstate 22 this week, rumors began to circulate that the road's completion may set off a chain of events that could destroy humanity and bring civilization to it's knees. According to a Wikipedia article created last night, Interstate 22, formerly known as "Corridor X" and "Ye Olden Highway," is considered to be North America's very first construction project. Native American documents dating back to 800 AD show plans to clear a path from Memphis to Birmingham, giving Midwestern tribes of 19-22 year-olds the quickest route to destroying Alabama's pristine beaches...
  • Feds May Take Control of Elections [semi-satire]

    08/07/2016 10:49:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    In response to GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s concerns that the November elections may be rigged, President Obama moved to assert an unprecedented federal role in the voting process. At the president’s direction, Homeland Security Jeh Johnson would be tasked with ensuring that “the process is protected from unwanted manipulation by unauthorized elements.” “A tainted election process would undermine faith in the legitimacy of the outcome,” Johnson pointed out. “It would be a threat more severe than a terrorist attack. I have been granted a wide latitude from President Obama to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure a valid...
  • Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

    08/07/2016 9:10:36 AM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 48 replies
    Anonymous Mags ^ | August 7, 2016 | Anonymous Mags
    Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study report. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them. “These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have...
  • Pope's Contention that Islam Is Peaceful Takes Hit [semi-satire]

    08/06/2016 11:17:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    Pope Francis' belief that Islam is a religion of peace was expressly contradicted by Boko Haram leader Abu Masab Al-Barnawi this week in an interview published in Al-Naba Newspaper. The Islamic terrorist vowed "to kill every Christian and blow up every church until all are for Islam in Nigeria and the world." Al-Barnawi cited Christian charities as "the aggressors in this battle for men's souls. They prey upon the victims of calamities, seducing them with food, shelter, and medical supplies. They insidiously tempt them with kindness and mercy to turn them away from Allah's command to submit to Islam and...
  • Obama Disputes Iran Ransom Claim [semi-satire]

    08/05/2016 4:16:01 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 August 2016 | John Semmens
    President Obama disputed claims that a planeload of $400 million in cash sent to Iran was a payment for the release of four Americans held hostage by the regime. He dismissed the simultaneous arrival of the plane carrying the cash with the departure of the plane carrying the hostages as "coincidental." Brian Stelter of CNN cited this coincidence as "proof GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's claim to have seen a video of the exchange is delusional. I have it on good authority that the video of the so-called ransom payment doesn't exist." As it turns out, the "good authority" cited...
  • Anonymous Leaks Clinton Foundation Payoff to Khan

    08/04/2016 12:44:55 PM PDT · by TigerClaws · 52 replies
    Over the past weekend and for the past few days since asinine Khan spoke alongside his goofy wife Ghazala Khan about their son, U.S. Army Captain Humayun Khan, who was killed in Iraq in 2004, incompetent mainstream media pundit, editors, producers, and anchors have been hammer-bashing Trump over what should have never been a matter. Crooked Hillary and her merry-band of moron pundits thought they had a good one, a specific line of attack that pitted Trump against the military—and supposedly showed him as a big meanie racist in the process. However, as Breitbart News reported on Monday midday, that...
  • 'Deceased' FBI Agent Found At Trump Tower With Silenced Pistol

    08/04/2016 4:28:42 PM PDT · by Blood of Tyrants · 282 replies
    Get off the BS ^ | 8/2/16 | Brian Michael
    A source within the NYPD has reported that an armed 62 year old man tried to sneak in to the Trump Tower late Tuesday night. Interestingly the suspect who was found with a semi-automatic handgun fitted with a silencer has been identified as Barry Lee Bush, a former Newark NJ FBI agent who has been dead since 2007. A Secret Service agent discovered Bush after he had circumvented a security partition on the bottom floor of the Trump Tower. Questioned by Secret Service at the scene, Bush who initially identified himself as Barry Franklyn, remained silent offering no explanation for...
  • Obama Hails Economic Progress During His Administration [semi-satire]

    08/02/2016 9:14:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    In his speech at the Democratic Convention President Obama contended that "by so many measures, our country is stronger and more prosperous than it was when we started." Unfortunately, a number of key statistics seem to contradict that assessment. There are 3 million more people in poverty. Household incomes for those in the bottom 20% declined. Nearly 9 million more individuals are receiving food stamps. And 14 million have left the workforce. Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that "these statistics need to be properly interpreted. Before we leap to a hasty conclusion that the President's policies have been ineffective let's...
  • Clinton Campaign Disses Idea of Press Conferences [semi-satire]

    08/01/2016 9:57:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 July 2016 | John Semmens
    One tradition that has been notably absent from Hillary Clinton's campaign for the presidency has been press conferences where the media are invited to query the candidate. "We'll have a press conference when we want to have a press conference," Clinton pollster Joel Benenson said on ABC News this past week. "Our candidate is under no legal obligation to answer to the press. We will control what is said to whom and when it will be said. We acknowledge that this may be inconvenient from the media's perspective, but they'll just have to bear with it." Benenson also pointed out...