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Flockhart Vows To Start Eating To Save "Ally" An irate Calista Flockhart has threatened to go on an eating strike until Fox agrees to renew the hour comedy-drama "Ally McBeal," on which Flockhart stars as an emaciated attorney whose physical debilitation due to food deprivation leads to elaborate daydreams. Flockhart, whose starvation diet typically limits her to some 250 calories daily and never more than 1,500 calories in a given week, has begun stockpiling nutrients and high-calorie, low-protein starches in anticipation of a protracted consuming binge as a way of showing her disgust with Fox for dragging out the renewal...

KNIVES, TANKS, WHALES — AIRPORT SCREENERS NOW FAILING TO CATCH ANYTHING Federal Investigators, Meanwhile, Accused of Enjoying Work a Little Too Much Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a troubling sign that investigators may be getting bored with their success smuggling guns and knives onto airplanes, the U.S. Department of Transportation today disclosed that its agents have recently cleared airport security checkpoints with an M1 tank, a beluga whale, and a fully active South American volcano. Investigators also boasted that they have repeatedly slipped past screeners with a six-burner Viking stove, the Field Museum of Natural History, and actor Sidney Poitier,...

SCIENTISTS WARN OF GLOBAL COINCIDENCE Rising Temps, Oceans, and Greenhouse Gas Proof of Weird, Unrelated Happenings Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sea levels swelled, but they doubted. Temperatures soared, but still they questioned. Glaciers disappeared, yet even so, they refused to believe. But now, the sudden disintegration of a massive Antarctic ice shelf may convince even the most hardened skeptics that industry scientists have been right all along. The Earth truly is threatened by Global Coincidence. "I'm sure this disappoints the apologists, but there can be no doubt now that there is one very obvious reason why all these things are...

I posted this thread from the BETA site, and I think that it is about time that this place got a little color. The border is really tight, and I like what was done with the flag. I don't mean to sound like Martha Stewart or anything, but this place actually looks good now. Good job (about time), mr. Robinson. Now, can you get it so that we don't have to format every friggin' thing we post? This the only message board site I have seen that doesn't do that automatically.

Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down AUSTIN, TX—After 18 years of striving, Dell Computer finally reached its long-stated goal to be the worldwide leader in computing systems Monday and promptly ceased operations. "We did it," founder and CEO Michael Dell said. "Back when I started this company, I vowed that I would not rest until we revolutionized the way computers are sold. Well, at long last, that day is here. Bye." When he launched the company in 1984, Dell drew up a lengthy list of longterm corporate goals. These included making Dell Computer the world's most trusted name in computer systems,...

BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) #151; Microsoft announced this week that a version of its Windows operating system will be installed in BMW's new 7 Series cars, a move analysts say will dramatically increase the vehicle's ability to suddenly crash for no reason. According to BMW spokesman Gehard Voorst, the cars, which will now take at least five minutes to warm up, will enable owners to confidently cruise and compute at high speeds for several hours before the machine abruptly seizes and catapults the driver through the 7 Series' new quot;blue windscreen of death.quot; and... Hooked...

STUDY FINDS WOMEN WHO DRINK WAY MORE FUN TO STUDY Researchers Say Alcohol Affects Women's Blood Pressure, Researchers' Interest Cambridge, Mass. (SatireWire.com) Update #151; According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol. This woman reduced her risk of high blood pressure, and increased her interest among researchers, just by consuming a few drinks. Oh, and the report also found that women who have a few drinks each week are less...

I had noted an opus over on the quot;Serious Forumquot; and that Texaggie had made a good comment about how they are a version of Munchausens' Syndrome. Now even though some people around here annoy me, I don't want to leave, but I was thinking of posting a good opus or two just for the attention. I mean that thread has 127 posts! So, any good suggestions or comments on how to ctreate an attention grabbing swan-song? I am also testing to see just how far the moderators will go.

CANADIAN WARSHIP SEIZES TANKER IN... WAIT... CANADA HAS A WARSHIP? Oh Right, and Switzerland Has Nuclear Weapons Arabian Sea (SatireWire.com) — Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading many to suspect that the report was a hoax. The Halifax Class frigate Vancouver. Honest. "You're kidding, right? Canada has a warship?" asked U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Like for war? "Does Canada know?" he added. "Nobody was more stunned than we were," said Kali Omari, first mate of the seized vessel. "We saw this frigate ...

Young bride burns husband for falling asleep on her An 18-year-old Romanian woman has burnt her husband with a hot iron because he fell asleep without making love to her. Fevronia Stoleru's 48-year-old husband Mircea Stoleru fell asleep when he got home from spending an evening with friends at the local bar. Fevronia heated up the iron and burnt her husband on his right shoulder. He needed hospital treatment but is declining to press charges against his young wife. "This should serve me right. I knew what I got when I married such a young and beautiful wife, and I ...

Man With Fetish For Fingers Charged Women Say He Took Hands, Sucked Them PioneerPlanet.com | July 14, 2001 By Amy Sherman FOR COLONEL SANDERS it's fried chicken that's finger-licking good. But Richard Lee Sanders, police say, prefers the attractive hands of suburban females. Sanders has got himself in a spot of trouble with the law for sucking the fingers of women in Burnsville and Apple Valley. The 38-year-old with no permanent address was charged Friday with three counts of disorderly conduct in Dakota County District Court. He had been charged with the same offense in June. Judge Timothy McManus ordered ...

Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Kanada A recent article by Brad Edmonds at Lewrockwell.com spurred me to finish my research onthe "rights" of Canadians; i.e. what the State will tolerate from the citizens, vis-a-vis self-defense. In Canada, as in the United States, the police, both federal and local, are under no legal obligation to defend citizens who are under attack either by criminals or other police. If one calls ‘911’, a decision is made as to whether or not to "respond", and in what manner to respond. Worse still, Canadian citizens are forbidden the means with which to defend themselves ...

The Curious Republic of Gondour Mark Twain, Atlantic Monthly, October 1875 As soon as I had learned to speak the language a little, I became greatly interested in the people and the system of government. I found that the nation had at first tried universal suffrage pure and simple, but had thrown that form aside because the result was not satisfactory. It had seemed to deliver all power into the hands of the ignorant and non-tax-paying classes; and of a necessity the responsible offices were filled from these classes also. A remedy was sought. The people believed they had found ...

Problems with the Program "Girlfriend" and Related Software Last year, my friend upgraded his Girlfriend 2.0 to Girlfriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0. He hates it. It's a memory hogger, and it has taken up all his space. More disheartening is that Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Due to DMA channel conflicts, this often causes older programs to be minimized so they can only run in the background, like Best Friend 5.1. And although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as ...

WASHINGTON -- Long considered our most valuable resource, children have dropped to fourth on the list, according to a recent study by the Bush administration, with oil taking over the top spot. "You can't put a child into your SUV and make it run," explained Vice President Dick Cheney, "That takes gas made from crude petroleum. The same stuff used to heat your home, power your TV, VCR and/or DVD player. Pretty valuable stuff to say the least." Following oil, is aluminum as our second most valued resource, with lumber at three and "a good cup of coffee to go" ...

Chandler cancels 'Bikini Open' golf tournament Associated Press June 22, 2001 07:40:00 A golf tournament has been canceled after city officials found out bikini-clad women would be prancing on their new public golf course. A Scottsdale-based, sexually explicit Web site was sponsoring the "Bikini Open" June 30 at Bear Creek Golf Course in Chandler. The tournament sponsor's Web site carries an "over 18" age warning and depicts naked women on a golf course. An advertisement promised "plenty of girls on the golf course." No city funding was used to build the $8 million course, but Lewis Keller Jr. and Dan ...