A History of French "Warfare" (Surrender)

Conquer France! ^ | NA | Conquer France!

[zapiks44]

History of French "Warfare"

Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader) Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)

Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat.  Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks) Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D.  He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams.  Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?

Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D.  Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'.  Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....

Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D.  Again this 'empire'  fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh.  Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?   

Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass.  France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)

Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good.  This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin.  BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.

France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D.   Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow.  French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.)  Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same.  Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action.  Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English.  And we all know where that got her....TOASTY. France vs. World Culture - Renaissance starts in Italy circa 1200's, NOT IN FRANCE.  

France vs. World Exploration/Economics - Commercial Revolution starts - major players are England, Spain, and Portugal.  Notice who ISN'T on that list?

France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine.  She killed thousands of protestants and Jews.  Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells?  Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage? 

France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany) France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)

France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses)  Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!

France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time.  This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)

France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)

France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico.  Wow!  Amazing.  What an accomplishment.  Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.

France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?)  This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.  

France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out of France - without the aid of USA,  France would be speaking German.  France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in  France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans.  Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.

France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)

France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good.  Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)

France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh)  Nuff Said.

MORAL: Even before Jesus walked the face of the Earth, the French have been getting their asses kicked. The smelly, cheese eating, fu-fu dressing French can't fight worth a damn. You TOO can conquer France!

[shaggy eel]

Buy Australasian wines and be satisfied 100% of the time!

,,, true enough Brian. The Aussie reds and Kiwi whites are value for money.

[andy_card]

Dont forget the French lost Algeria. And Algeria didn't even have an army!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't know what you're talking about. I was in Marseille in 1968. I was caught in the middle of a three-way battle between the OAS, the Algerian nationalists, and gendarmes. And I have never been so-scared in all my life, and this was less than a year after I saw action in Vietnam. There was, for all intents and purposes, a civil war in France in 1968. So don't chalk up the loss of Algeria to "cowardice," because if they're anything, the French are some of the most ridiculously beligerant folks on the planet.

[andy_card]

In all fairness (not that they deserve it) the French did have a kick-ass army a couple of hundred years ago. But then again, Napoleon was technically not French.

The French have a kick-ass army today. The myth of French cowardice is as inaccurate as the myth of German efficiency.

[andy_card]

Us Brits weren't like that though and were nice to our colonies

Tell that to the Burmese.

[Twodees]

Sure, keyboard warrior. Let's see you say anything like that to anyone of the 10th Para. You'd have a French boot so far up your butt, you'd be tasting shoe polish.

What is it with you imbeciles that you think all French are cowards and queers?

[Junior]

You take, shall we say, "liberties" with the history you present here. For instance, France won the 100 years war (Britain was kicked off the continent, n'est ce pas?). World War I was a stalemate until the Americans arrived -- not a German victory. Napolean pretty much had unfettered run of the continent of Europe for the first decade or so of the 19th century; it took a coalition of British and Prussians to beat him.

Now, I can't stand the French any more than the rest of civilization, but I hate to see history distorted even more.

[Byron_the_Aussie]

[GATOR NAVY]

I know they've run it through some computer simulation and the computer has not been able to lose with the French.

All that says is computers are smarter than the French generals were.

[Byron_the_Aussie]

See post above. Your xenophobia and lies may remind any French who accidentally read FR that being US allies in the Gulf War, and in the Afghan war, earned them nothing more than ARVN-style contempt. They'd be crazy to buy into this one.

[GATOR NAVY]

Actually, all I was alluding to was the fact there is a human factor to warfare that can't be predicted by computers. The wargaming computers said the French manpower and equipment should have won. They didn't. What happened?

And I won't argue your pointing out the same computers would probably have said we should have won in Vietnam. And why didn't we? Politicians and generals.

[MARETHLINE]

You are so wrong, the British didn't need any help from you yanks in the First World War, you arrived to late on the scene to do anything; we had rolled over the German lines more than anyone else especially when in the end in 1918 us Brits captured more German prisoners (200,000) than the French, US and Belgians combined and the French had fours times as big an army as the British had, so it shows that the French were completely useless in that war!!

[MARETHLINE]

...Britain was saved only because of their best ally;The Chanel,their natural moat

Well perhaps you should build one yourself next time and stop letting the Germans in!!!.
Oh at least the British fought it out and and survived to fight another day and had an insignificantly small army who gave the Germans a bloody nose at Arras (the only real serious fighting done in the campaign!!!) compared to the millions of Frenchman who thought it better to surrender to the Germans than fight it out!!!
oh and what victories in the War of Independence we wooped your ass at the Battle of the Saintes 1783 under Admiral Rodney the greatest naval victory ever, French sea power was diminshed forever therefore French involvement was a farce!! Britian didn't want the American colonies anymore anyway it was finding more new territories of more value so they were going to give it up anyway.

[MARETHLINE]

Not bad for a country that supposedly kept on surrendering.

Well thats the point the French keep surrendering and losing wars!!!

Oh and to add they were worse before Napolean too they lost Canada and India; massive territories, therefore massive defeats!!!

[weikel]

The thing is the British were still decimated and had to resort to massive levies of colonial auxillaries and Americans were essential to holding the line after the massive amount of German reinforcements came from the Eastern Front( following the seizure of power by the Bolsheviks and Russia's withdrawal from the war).

[weikel]

France did win the 100 years war but the only battles they won were when Joan of Arc was in command. The English won almost every battle. They only won the war really because Henry V's successor was mad.

[branicap]

#112

LOOOOOOOOOOOL

:Listen mate,I am not French!

Last time I checked my post I couldn`t find anything derogatory about Britain in it!BTW I live in Britain and have a British passport and am a little bit serious about history.Your "patriotic"! drivel reminds me more on drunken bravado of Chelsie fans than on a serious contribution to this thread!

But,if you want it you will get it:

everybody,and I mean everybody was simply "destroyed "by a German war machine in 1940-41!For various reasons:German tactics were new,and took all of Europe by surprise!Combibed assault of panzer divisions and aviation was a novelty.While British,French,Russians were debating the merits of cavalry v. tank,byplane or monoplane Germans had long established doctrine and well trained army,and weapons second to none!Britain didn`t have even a submachine gun,for God`s sake!?Sten was a emergency measure hastily introduced as a response to the excelent german MP-38!Americans were totaly unprepared!No army appart from Russians had anything to come even close to German tanks!Russians had the best tanks in 41 (T-34 and KV) but used them in a wrong way,just as British and French!Nobody bothered to read Hanz Guderian book about armored warfare published in early thirties!?Remember ,mate,85 % of fighting in Europe was in the Russian f Front!

About the Chanel: it is a great defender of UK,it is there not because Britain had built it,it just is!Further,British army had put a valiant fight but was ,almost ,viped out!If it wasn`t for Hitlers decision to stop the panzers 15 miles from Danquerque,against all military logic,Brits would be slaughtered on the beaches!But,we know what has happened.

France,as their general Gaufre had honestly said,had paid the price of "being victorious in WWI"!Niether British nor French were on the receiving end of tank assault(Germans were)and didn`t know the meaning of the word Tank terror!So,British invented the tank and Germans developed the best tanks in the world!French thought that their cavalry will master the panzers!We know the resoult!"Ardenes and their forrest is not a tank country" their generals claimed!They were in the same category as a British "genious" Gen. Haig who described machine gun as an "overrated weapon"!We,sadly,know the resoult of his evaluation!

Today,we all know what Germans knew in `39!I don`t think that this Anglo-Saxon BS about "French cowardice" should be tested by anyone,today!

The point is that USA can`t stand French because they are proud of their achievements,their history,art,literatury,science....deservedly so.And,their are reluctant to be American puppets and do everything that Washington says!It is called ;indenpendence,I believe!

But,with attitude:"With us or agains us" suddenly French are cowards,and Germans are Nazis,right!

Speaking of cowardice,90% of ground work in Bosnia and Kosovo was and is being done by French and British!Americans preffere to stay in their APCs,in their barracs!Ask Generel Michael Rose ,he knows!

[altayann]

You forgot one of the more important ones..

1066: Battle of Hastings. French Normans conquer England. In doing so, they do add several nifty new words to the Anglo Saxon language, which one day will generally be known as 'English'.

However, their attempts to teach the locals the art of 'cuisine' never really catches on. The game of tennis is a bit hit, though, especially in the hamlet of Wimbledon.

[ClearasaBell]

France is not our enemy one day we might need there help again. This thread seems more anti-american than anything.
what is your heritage lets bash that next.

[ClearasaBell]

sorry alta i meant to address that to all just an opinion , not intended to be directed at any one person , my bad.

[Darksheare]

Like I said, all the smart Frenchies left France long ago.

Besides... After having their backsides handed to them so often, it's a miracle that France is still a country.....
Just and odd thought.