Boy,.. are there!!
God Bless you!!
Posted on 06/10/2002 10:50:40 AM PDT by Redcloak
This is the most difficult post I've ever had to write. I've seen a number of people here asking for prayer from other believers. Scripture tells us that this is what we should do in times of crisis; pray one for another. I never thought that I'd be the one having to write a post like this. I need your prayers for myself and my family.
Thursday was the worst day of my entire life. My wife and I were expecting our son to be born next week via Caesarean section. It was scheduled for Wednesday the 12th. My wife went for a last checkup before the birth that afternoon. At that exam, the doctor could not locate a heartbeat. After a we got him out, we could see that he had gotten twisted and tangled in his umbilical cord. My son Forrest had died before he could be born.
I've seen countless news stories about people losing children. Despite having a daughter (She's 5) of my own, I could never imagine the pain that a parent would feel at such a time. I would tried to empathize by asking myself "what if" questions, but I'd find that my mind wouldn't want to go there. I'd shudder and slam that line of thought shut before I went to far and began to get an idea of what terrible things lie in that place. I suppose that the mind won't let you go there because subconsciously you know it's too awful to look at. Now I'm there in that horrible place. I never imagined one could feel such sorrow and pain.
However, in the midst of this great pain, I have had great joy as well. I know that my son is with the Lord right now. I know that he's experiencing joy and happiness far beyond what any of us can imagine. And I wouldn't begrudge him an instant of it. I know that God has a plan for each of our lives. We all have a role to play in His plan. Forrest completed his role and he's gone home. But still, the grief overwhelms me at times. I'll see something of his, a toy or a piece of clothing, and the tears return. I can't begin to describe how much I'll miss him.
There's something else I've learned in all of this pain. However much this hurts me, it hurts God worse. We cannot truly comprehend how much God loves us. And we do not realize how thoroughly he knows what we think and feel. He knows what's happening deep in our souls better than we do. God knows the true extent to which I am hurting. I know that the mind will play little tricks on itself to prevent some traumas from being felt full force and that these little tricks are dulling my pain. I'm not seeing all that there is to see of it. But God is aware of the pain's true magnitude and His love for us magnifies His pain.
I'm trying to keep focused on where Forrest is now; not how he was on Thursday. I need your prayers asking God to help me to keep in the right frame of mind; to not drift off into thoughts of the past. I'm also asking that you pray for my wife. As bad as my pain is, hers is worse. I also need God's guidance in how to help her. I keep remembering the look of panic she had in her eyes as the doctor searched in vain for a heartbeat and how awful I felt not being able to do anything about it for her. Lastly, I ask that you pray for my daughter. At times she talks about how her brother is with God. At other times, she talks how "the doctors are making Forrest better." I cannot tell is she is truly having trouble dealing with this or if it's simply a 5 year old's imagination at work. My wife and I both need God's help in guiding her through this.
Boy,.. are there!!
God Bless you!!
God bless you, your dear wife, and your daugther!
And thank you very much for sharing your daughter's story with us, despite the pain that must have been brought back for you.
God bless you.
I, too, find comfort with the knowledge that my baby girl and baby boy are with God now. It's the only way I got through the first year or so. I can't imagine trying to explain it to a five year old -- my heart would break. If it helps, I can tell you that sticking to the truth in ways she can understand is the only way to handle it. You'll need to tell her something like the doctors did all they could, but that God wanted Forrest with Him, and that Forrest is a special angel who will always be with her.
It is imperative that she is not misled because it would destroy her sense of trust and possibly even her faith. Tell her that if it makes her sad, that it's okay to cry. But also make sure she knows that being with God is the most wonderful and beautiful place to be. It's a tightrope, and it can be difficult, but if you can lead your daughter through this without causing her to fear doctors OR God, then you have done a remarkable job.
My heart goes out to you -- all of you. I will pray that your daughter is given the capacity to understand that no one was the "bad guy" in this tragedy. And I also pray that you and the rest of your family are given peace in the wake of all that has happened. The pain is easier to bear when you let God take most of the weight from you.
God bless you all.
This verse came to mind as I read your post. 1 Corinthians 7:14 "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy." The children of believers have a special place in God's covenant of salvation by faith, when they are young. You gave little Forrest the best gift, after a start on life itself, through your faith that covered him while his abode was on earth. God was with him in the womb when your son made the transfer from earth to His arms.
I know God is going to help you and your wife work through all of the emotions that come with this tragedy. I will pray for you.
I'm sorry to learn of your twins. I know what kind of pain must have been dredged up for you when you read this thread. I know that several people have been reliving their sorrow for their lost children while reading it. I'd like to thank you and them for responding despite the pain. You've all been a blessing to me and my wife.
As to my daughter, we're keeping a close eye on her. I get the feeling that she's trying not feel sad about her brother. It may be that she's simply concerned about upsetting her mother and I. She's been on "Kleenex patrol", as my wife puts it, bringing us Kleenex whenever she find one of us crying.
She's been hard to read. Most of the time she seems to accept that Forrest is gone. But she's sometimes talked about the doctors "making Forrest better" or asked when we would be taking him home. At one point, she told me that she had decided that she didn't want a baby brother or baby sister; that she was happy being an only child. But then about 15 minutes later, she was talking about "when Mommy has another baby". I got the impression that she made the first comment because she realized that Mommy having another baby at some point would run the risk of going though this hurt again.
I've been trying to keep an eye on her artwork. She loves to draw and she's been making drawings related to Forrest. Mostly they're lots of hearts to "show that we love Forrest". She even did one of these to have placed in his coffin. In the last day or two, she's started to draw pictures with people in relation to Forrest. One is of her mother with a tear falling from one eye. But opposite the tear is a heart "because Mommy loves Forrest". The most interesting drawing is of a classmate who she says lost a baby sister. I don't know if they really lost a child or not, but she's also talked before about how sad her classmate is about her sister. I'm wondering if she isn't using her classmate as a proxy for herself; talking about how sad her classmate is rather than how sad she is.
My sincere condolances to you and your family on the loss of your son.
I have spent the last 30 minutes trying in my mind to compose words to you that might help you make sense of your loss, to no avail. Years ago, when I was a cop in OK, I was tasked a couple of times to deliver death notices to families, and I feel now as I did then. What can I say that will ease the blow that is coming with the announcement I'm about to make? Mere words are inadequate. But, if it is any comfort, the words expressed in this thread about time easing the hurt are true. This I know from personal experience, as I was on the receiving end of a death notice delivered at two in the morning. Over 30 years now, and I still miss her, and at the time I went off the deep end. DON'T do what I did and try to drown your sorrow, believe me, IT DOESN'T WORK! You have a caring family here who will help you through it, use them instead. You've taken the first step. Keep marching in this direction, one step at a time. Believe that IN TIME, your pain will ease, although it will never completely go away. My thoughts are with you and your family in this time of sorrow.
Tonkin - thanks for the ping.
Toward FREEDOM
It sounds like perhaps you need to all have a talk together, and explain that you will all miss Forrest, and that it is okay for any and all of you to cry, including her. I truly believe that, if you give her "permission," she will let her true feelings out. She may go to another room to cry, and that's okay. If you hear her crying in her bedroom and she stops when you walk in, it's not necessary to press her to cry in front of you. Some children are not comfortable with crying in front of others, no matter who they are. You can ask her, "Do you feel funny crying in front of Daddy?" If she says she does, tell her you understand, but that you would understand either way.
In family dynamics, she is taking on a role of "comforter," and "comforters" don't cry or need extra attention. Their role is to make life easier for everybody else. It's quite common, actually. At the age of five, it's understandable, but I wouldn't let it go on for years. If she continues to take on that role indefinitely, it really needs to be broken. It's not healthy. It hasn't had time to become a pattern yet, though. (Just keep an eye on her!)
You're doing all the right things, watching her drawings and her mannerisms. All I would do at this point is make sure she knows that she has permission to cry if she feels like it, and support her in however she handles her feelings.
It is so thoughtful of you to be concerned about those who have had a similar experience. I'm sure that we've all dealt with it in our own way, and while the memories may be bittersweet, at least we know we have little angels waiting to greet us when we've taken our final breath.
God bless you, and if I can help in any way, please let me know? My prayers are with you all tonight.
Carolyn
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