Posted on 12/19/2015 6:54:31 AM PST by Kaslin
If you're a human American over the age of 2, I'm betting I know what you're doing this weekend: you're going to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
The seventh film in the Star Wars series, it had a banner opening night, raking in as much as $60 million. Rentrak projects it will end up earning more than $3 billion.
Which is all to say, the empire surely will not miss my $20.
That's right -- I'm not seeing "Star Wars." So, fans, you don't have to worry -- there won't be any spoilers in this column. I've gone 36 years without seeing more than five collective minutes of the movies and I don't plan to start now.
I have nothing against these movies I've never seen -- although, to be honest, I've never been much of a fantasy fan. Giant glow sticks, Yoda the Hutt and talking R2-3POs aren't my bag. But who knows? Maybe I'd love them. My political friends insist I'd dig their "overtly conservative" themes. Because that's why I go to the movies: politics.
But I'll never know. Peak "Star Wars" is ruining any lingering curiosity I ever had about the movies.
I don't fancy myself a rebel. I love to go with the crowds. Yes, I saw the "Entourage" movie, even though I knew it would be garbage. I didn't just see "The Hunger Games" movies, I read the books. Of course I love Adele.
I'm not above a bandwagon. But there's a time when "buzz" reaches a tipping point, and instead of surrendering to the gravitational pull of mass obsession and joining in, you decide: Nope. Not this time, groupthink. I'm out.
I don't remember "Star Wars" ubiquity ever being this unavoidable. For movies that take place in a galaxy far, far away, they sure have managed to takeover planet Earth. "Star Wars" is stuffed into every commercial crevice of the country. It's overtaking Christmas as the most annoying part of Christmas. Visitors from whatever planet Carrie Fisher comes from would think December 25 is when we celebrate the birth of Darth Vader.
You can't go into a store -- even stores you wouldn't expect "Star Wars" to infiltrate -- without being hit over the head with branding.
CoverGirl has a line of "Star Wars" themed makeup. I know when I'm getting ready I think, How can I look like I just fended off a stormtrooper on a dusty desert planet?
Adidas and Vans, of course, have "Star Wars" sneaks. And I'd love to meet the adult men with pictures of Han Solo on their shoes.
Coffee-Mate makes "Star Wars" character creamers. Something called a Chewbacca adorns the spiced latte flavor. Because, reasons.
But by far the most obnoxious branding effort yet is "Star Wars" themed fruit and vegetables, which Disney justifies by insisting that putting Harrison Ford on a bag of apples is a good way to get kids to eat healthier. (Did you know Disney has a "licensed fruit and vegetables portfolio"? I didn't either, but it really makes you wonder what a company can't commercialize.)
Not surprisingly, "Star Wars" porn is seeing a bit of a boom. Retailer GameLink says sales of "Star Wars XXX" have surged 500 percent in the last two weeks. I guess the force really has awakened.
Aside from annoying me, it would seem like the "Star Wars" marketing machine would anger purists. And yet I don't hear anyone complaining. I asked two of my biggest "Star Wars" fan friends, whom I respect and adore and hope are still my friends after reading this, if any of this saturation bothers them. Both said not even a little.
I don't get it -- I love "Seinfeld," but I don't want to buy Kramer creamer or Elaine-inspired lipstick. Nor do I want to know that, somewhere, someone's getting turned on by a George Costanza parody porno.
On a deeper level, the best part of fandom is the immeasurable joy of feeling like you're part of a special community of brethren, with whom you speak a special language. When your secret club is the entire universe -- and it's all on sale! -- it doesn't feel much like a community anymore.
I've got nothing against "Star Wars" or its fans. Part of me really wants to experience their world. But turning mine into one giant "Star Wars" strip mall is only ensuring I never will.
I could have written this piece.
He could have added the Hobbit series as well.
Wow, where’d you hear that? Has an almost perfect rottentomatoes score, fans are thrilled. I guess you saw a few fr ‘reviews’ of people that hadn’t seen it and then go with that.
My next review after this will be “The Hateful 8” .
I love many fantasy films -- Lord of the Rings, Pan's Labyrinth, The Neverending Story, Chronicles of Narnia, etc., are all very engaging and rewatchable in my eyes.
What I don't like is putting an outer-space, futuristic looking setting in a fantasy film. It works occasionally for quirky films like Heavy Metal, but I always found the laser sword fights in Star Wars to be silly.
And I REALLY don't like ridiculous fantasy films being marketed as "sci-fi", which Star Wars has always been falsely sold as. The science in Star Wars is ridiculous. C3PO is not a "cyborg", he is an android. R2D2 is not a "droid", he is a robot:
Cyborg - Part organic lifeform and part machine (Robocop, Terminator, Cybermen, etc.)
Android - Robot built/designed to look like a human being (Data from Star Trek, Vicki from Small Wonder, Gunslinger from Westworld, etc.)
Lucas throws sci-fi terminology into his fantasy film but can't grasp the basic concepts.
Guardians of the Galaxy got HUGE favorables from the critics and audiences alike. I was looking forward to that film and came away very disappointed. I thought it was one of the weaker Marvel films. It was too jokey/childish for my tastes and the only character that connected with me was Groot (I suspect people may have liked Guardians because it reminded them of.... you guessed it... the original Star Wars)
Pixels got strongly negative reviews from critics and there was no "buzz" about the film at all, although the trailers looked intriguing. It had Adam Sandler in it, so most of us safely avoided it at the theater and waited for DVD. I came away pleasantly surprised. It had some ridiculous romantic subplots but Sandler WASN'T an obnoxious man-child in the movie and the film was VERY creative and funny. I recommend it.
RE Star Wars Premiere:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RGohIKxc9M
Here’s Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog and his “review” of Attack of the CLones fans... froma couple years ago
Bout sums it all up....
Watch for the “surprise guest” near the end...
I’m not seeing TFA until Monday, but I wasn’t blown away by guardians or the rest of the marvels. We’ll see how Star Wars goes.
I like both but got into Star Wars before Trek. I don’t see need for rivalry between the 2. Trek has better science but still has some major problems with fake science and I don’t think either universe is a logical progression of technology.
The original Trilogy WAS epic, imo. Which is why people expected the prequels to be as well.
I’m unaware of anyone actually calling C3P-0 a “cyborg”. He says he’s in “human-cyborg relations”, whatever the hell that means. I only know of 1 “cyborg” in Star Wars, some Bounty Hunter who stood around in Ep 5, but anyway 3p0 never claims to be a cyborg. Lucas did make some silly mistakes, “12 parsecs”.
Both he and R2 are called “droids”. Which is just their own unique in universe term for robots in the movie. I’m fine with that even though it doesn’t make much sense etymologically speaking as it’s an improper back-formation of “android”. “Oid” means “likeness of”, needs a prefix, and the “d” comes from the “andros” part, man. But whatever I don’t have a problem with it, the unique name seems to have been good for the franchise.
Lightsabers are uber cool so I’m fine with that too. They can block blaster fire so they don’t not make sense as weapons for Jedi. Normal people wouldn’t be able to block shi* and would probably slice their own arms off, hence they don’t use them. The fight choreography is crappy though like most movie sword fights. Best fight is Luke/Vader in EST.
The local multiplex with regular, 3D & IMAX Star Wars in almost all theatres has caused a gridlock traffic mess on abutting major road where we live. FORGET IT!!!
I am a Lord of the Ring's man.
I love the theme of the ring having to be destroyed because it corrupts it holder. Think about the Senate and this theme.
The last Star War’s movie I saw in a Theater was Return of the Jedi in summer 1983. Of the first three I still think that was the worst.
The others I watched on cable TV.
The Force silliness makes no sense.
I have often pointed out here how many on talk radio have overused the word “conservative” just like that “force’.
It goes like :
“I am the real conservative, not you. its me. Conservationism always wins. And real conservationism is my opinion and mine alone. Only my views will win because I am the REAL conservative”
The Force= “sci-version” of magic powers.
Make that four of us:) I was around 5 when the first Star Wars movie came out. Never had an interest in seeing any of them.
When asked about a possible Beatles reunion, Paul McCartney replied, “You can’t reheat a soufflé.”
I sort of feel this way about STAR WARS. I loved the original, and more so THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. (Third, not so much.) But that was long ago in a galaxy far away. The era back then was more innocent. Trying to recreate that spirit now seems futile.
Obviously at my age now I’ve outgrown it, so I wouldn’t bother, anyway, seeing the new film. And with so many problems in the world today, an escape into total fantasy seems unhealthy. But I understand how others, especially kids, need some entertainment.
Nevertheless, this new film seems to strike a cynical chord in me. Although (judging from the previews) pretty and technically sophisticated, it seems like just a remake of the original trilogy. The whole thing leaves me cold — a corporate taste in my mouth. Also the PC thing as well, which is why I avoid most of the current Hollywood product nowadays. Maybe the whole show is over and it’s just time to move on.
Thankfully, with pretty good ad controls on my computers, the lack of cableTV, a dislike of most stores generally, with the exception of Youtube (which still shows ads on my tablet), I haven’t seen any Star Wars ads at all. TADA!
I can’t tell you the last time I saw a Coke advertisement, or Viagra, and etc. ad-infinitum.
And I won’t be going to see it either... maybe long after the masturbatory aggrandizement is over... when I can rent it somewhere for a buck... I guess I might watch it, if I get bored enough.
I can’t tell you how freeing it is to be rid of all that silly craptastic pimping.
It should be better than pseudo-Star Wars.
Not very respectful to put your feet up on the furniture. I am however a forgiving person, so I’ll let it slide heh.
It’s crazy what we do for our kids heh.
Is your son ok, I sure hope so.
God bless and have a merry Christmas.
I can take some fantasy films in small doses, but LOTR to me was boring as can be. I started watching the first film and I just gave up. The famous scene in “Clerks 2” summarized my feelings for it.
I didn’t mind “Legend” (though Mia Sara and Tim Curry were what made it watchable).
“Heavy Metal” remains one of my favorites, the mix of fantasy/sci-fi and an excellent rock score all in a cartoon.
The weakness of the “swordfights” in the Star Wars film is that in an era of that level of technology, you’d more than likely dispatch your enemies from afar. Otherwise, it’s just a tool to get your heroes and villains together.
The Ewoks ruined ROTJ. I saw that one in the theater when I was 9 and I couldn’t stand them. As some critics pointed out at the time, it was like Lucas had grown bored and burned out with his own creation.
I saw that some time back, but that was gut-bustingly funny.
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