Posted on 12/19/2015 6:54:31 AM PST by Kaslin
If you're a human American over the age of 2, I'm betting I know what you're doing this weekend: you're going to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
The seventh film in the Star Wars series, it had a banner opening night, raking in as much as $60 million. Rentrak projects it will end up earning more than $3 billion.
Which is all to say, the empire surely will not miss my $20.
That's right -- I'm not seeing "Star Wars." So, fans, you don't have to worry -- there won't be any spoilers in this column. I've gone 36 years without seeing more than five collective minutes of the movies and I don't plan to start now.
I have nothing against these movies I've never seen -- although, to be honest, I've never been much of a fantasy fan. Giant glow sticks, Yoda the Hutt and talking R2-3POs aren't my bag. But who knows? Maybe I'd love them. My political friends insist I'd dig their "overtly conservative" themes. Because that's why I go to the movies: politics.
But I'll never know. Peak "Star Wars" is ruining any lingering curiosity I ever had about the movies.
I don't fancy myself a rebel. I love to go with the crowds. Yes, I saw the "Entourage" movie, even though I knew it would be garbage. I didn't just see "The Hunger Games" movies, I read the books. Of course I love Adele.
I'm not above a bandwagon. But there's a time when "buzz" reaches a tipping point, and instead of surrendering to the gravitational pull of mass obsession and joining in, you decide: Nope. Not this time, groupthink. I'm out.
I don't remember "Star Wars" ubiquity ever being this unavoidable. For movies that take place in a galaxy far, far away, they sure have managed to takeover planet Earth. "Star Wars" is stuffed into every commercial crevice of the country. It's overtaking Christmas as the most annoying part of Christmas. Visitors from whatever planet Carrie Fisher comes from would think December 25 is when we celebrate the birth of Darth Vader.
You can't go into a store -- even stores you wouldn't expect "Star Wars" to infiltrate -- without being hit over the head with branding.
CoverGirl has a line of "Star Wars" themed makeup. I know when I'm getting ready I think, How can I look like I just fended off a stormtrooper on a dusty desert planet?
Adidas and Vans, of course, have "Star Wars" sneaks. And I'd love to meet the adult men with pictures of Han Solo on their shoes.
Coffee-Mate makes "Star Wars" character creamers. Something called a Chewbacca adorns the spiced latte flavor. Because, reasons.
But by far the most obnoxious branding effort yet is "Star Wars" themed fruit and vegetables, which Disney justifies by insisting that putting Harrison Ford on a bag of apples is a good way to get kids to eat healthier. (Did you know Disney has a "licensed fruit and vegetables portfolio"? I didn't either, but it really makes you wonder what a company can't commercialize.)
Not surprisingly, "Star Wars" porn is seeing a bit of a boom. Retailer GameLink says sales of "Star Wars XXX" have surged 500 percent in the last two weeks. I guess the force really has awakened.
Aside from annoying me, it would seem like the "Star Wars" marketing machine would anger purists. And yet I don't hear anyone complaining. I asked two of my biggest "Star Wars" fan friends, whom I respect and adore and hope are still my friends after reading this, if any of this saturation bothers them. Both said not even a little.
I don't get it -- I love "Seinfeld," but I don't want to buy Kramer creamer or Elaine-inspired lipstick. Nor do I want to know that, somewhere, someone's getting turned on by a George Costanza parody porno.
On a deeper level, the best part of fandom is the immeasurable joy of feeling like you're part of a special community of brethren, with whom you speak a special language. When your secret club is the entire universe -- and it's all on sale! -- it doesn't feel much like a community anymore.
I've got nothing against "Star Wars" or its fans. Part of me really wants to experience their world. But turning mine into one giant "Star Wars" strip mall is only ensuring I never will.
Just like an old cowboy movie. The good guys fight the bad guys, and the good guys win.
LOL! Thanks for the recap! I saw the first 3 as a teen, skipped the middle 3 on purpose, did not care. Thought it would be fun to see the original oldies but will give this movie a pass too!
The Smart Glasses look seems to work for her, but she was wearing them long before that State Department Blonde and Perry picked up on it.
She and Stossel are my favorite Libertarians.
That’s fine....I’m gonna wait for the cheapest DVD at Walmart if I’m still alive by then.
...
The libraries where I am have DVDs.
Either she likes it or she doesn’t. I don’t really care either way. But she’s definitely swimming against the current on this one. Anybody who spends 6+ paragraphs telling me about how much they don’t care about something as ephemeral as a movie tells me that they actually hate that thing. She shoulda taken advice from the late Freddie Mercury when he said “I don’t like Star Wars”. Clear, concise- okay we get it, back to our daily lives.
CC
it wasn’t even that dramatic a way, either, kind of expecting it at that scene, but, was a surprise, I expected it to be quite spectacular, heart throbbing, eye watering...
nah...but, sad...
One can only hope! And that the golf course was occupied by a certain golfer...
no, but they crash it several times in the snow, the sand, and the trees, but no damage for some reason
I won’t be going either. The local movie hub is a gun free zone. I ain’t going to some stinking theater where I will be a sitting duck. With huge crowds like this gathering around the nation, these are perfect, PERFECT targets of mostly unarmed people with even small children that can be murdered. Hopefully security in these places will be tight and prevent the AK47 toting muslim thugs will be kept out.
My county can’t even afford maps....we be poor.... You have to know where the hell you live. :0)
Probably due to the caring Politicians in the Imperial Senate passing all those Spaceship Safety Laws.
Airbags, 5 MPH Bumpers, backup cameras, ABS, traction control...
Oh , I would have been cheering out loud in the theater making an as of myself.
YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!! KILLED BY CLIMATE CHANGE NO DOUBT! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I won’t be going to see it.
My kids have a scheduled Star Wars Marathon to watch all the old ones on Monday.
Here’s the kicker. My son has been hospitalized for the last three days. We’re trying to schedule his release around the marathon.
Schedule as of now. He gets final treatment Sunday morning. I pick him and my wife up. We drive 12 hours to Grandma’s house in time for 9am marathon start.
Do anything for the kids I guess.
For a while, it was one of those movies I always figured I'd get around to watching but never did. Of course, it would probably make no sense seeing all those sequels and prequels having never seen the original movie, so I never saw those as well.
There is something that scares me about Star Wars. I see all these otherwise normal people acting like complete nerds when it comes to Star Wars. They wear the funny helmets and run around saying things like "May The Force Be With You" and "Help Me Obee-Wan Kenobee".
I don't want to be like these people. I really don't.
Furthering that notion, in my vast Christmas music collection is a little ditty called What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (If He Already Has A Comb). This song has to be heard to be believed so click on the link if you dare. Now do you understand why I don't want to be like those Star Wars people?
Did not read as soon as she said she is not a fan of “fantasy”.
Should I take my lobster recommendations from someone who is not a fan of seafood?
Should I take my reading recommendations from someone who doesn’t read books?
I really don’t give a s____ what someone thinks about something they are not a fan of. Talk about useless & worthless. She is just trying to be sensational and I’m not biting.
Spaceballs! Merchandising!
You can make that count 3, thank you very much
Ruined a franchise? Lucas did that all by himself with the utterly abysmal prequel movies.
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